An invite.
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Tag: self-love
This is a day of days.
7:07 and Jackie already up, playing a game on couch behind me.
Not sure I’ll be running today with this cramp or muscle thing, tightness on left side. OH well, can run for 30 and do weights, maybe. Light run.
Still no sales for month but like an old friend said yesterday, nothing you can do. OR, only so much you can do. He shared his belief that two months out of the year’s 12 are just going to be bad. “Complete shit” was the way he descried those two months. And when that happens, “I don’t give a shit.”, he decreed. Wouldn’t say I have quite the same attitude as him, but starting to be something similar.
Not going to HQ today. Stony Point instead. Said I’d only bring one laptop, but I’m bringing both. It’s what I do, why fight it.
Jackie tells me he made an account for me on one of his games, my account name being “Awesome Dad”. The tears are still bubbling and threaten to spill any second. Hold in, hold in….
Emma still asleep, as is her 10 month old brother. How is he 10 months already? Trite questions to ask, almost like when people say shit like “Heck, the grow up so fast don’t they…” I’m studying, all of this. How I want to live the rest of my life, that’s where my thinking goes. How do I want my babies to see me, read me, how do I want the shared reactions of my life and work to sound – to my kids and myself.
Coffee not going to be enough. Make another cup after this. Find that my thoughts …
I’m going for a drive, no idea to where. Need thoughts, that’s it. No writing, no screen, no sitting in a corporate coffee house. Just Road, me, quiet… told earlier by the department admin that it’s not just me, that it’s slow for everyone. So why the fuck do I let it bother me?
No idea.
Inward jots helping a little, but I need a break even from these writing breaks.
Driving, slow, music. Rock, like the Stones or Doors, or Floyd which always reminds me of Dad.
The shift, on my mind obviously. Cutting it out, NOW. Bye….
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Note
Now
EVERYTHING can be solved by the current scene
Gathered some new leads and was reminded of old ones while walking. On drive down, thought about being past what I immediately do. The bigger picture I guess you’d say. Happiness, Health, Mental Health, many of my usual tags on a blog post.
Stopped at Del Valle for lunch but was so preoccupied with the shift and AE story, and the fact I’m not running today ‘cause in my rush to get out the door and on the Road I forgot my running shoes. Not a valid excuse, but the truth. Though of that as well, the Truth. The most truthful sentence one can write, or book one can put together. Why lie, why embellish, why evade any specifics?
Writing in one of the side offices. First time I’ve done this. Have this table completely mind, set up like a desk.. business cards, phone cord, 5×7 notepad, pen. This room is mine, the day is… EVERYTHING. Thinking of driving downtown, working somewhere. Not yet, say to myself. Stay in mood, mode, here. The quiet, reassuring.
Everything is material. Everything I see walking around this building, in this new room for me.
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notes time real
Up early, went back to sleep for about 90 minutes or so and have been here at desk since…. Early 7-something. 7:47 now. Sent flight plan to director and reports from last week. Planning on going to Field, handing out cards, being seen. No sales yet this month and it’s dominating my thoughts. Not going to prospect, but just say hello, enjoy a walk and the town of… wherever I go.
Couple calls planned for day, concerning the shift. Running as well, speed work on belt again. Day is planned and more or less set in stone or marble or some wall of Mike Madigan’s attitude Architecture.
9 hours Ito fast and on first coffee made here in home. Forcing this day to do what I want. Get out there, I remind myself. In the Field, office time is beginning of day and toward EOD. Writing only about sales today, the AE story, how I turn the month around – being at $0 TCV as of 7/12/21 @ 07:58.
Think about it, I say to myself, “How do you generate your own leads… what is the most sensible and straightforward way?”
More realtime notes.
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Note
For self.
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Drive to Sonoma.
Little under two hours I leave. May take off a little earlier for coffee on Square, and slower drive.
Busy week. On several fronts. Organized in attack. Like a real war, and it is in some respects, but how I approach… notes only, no time for full sentences in journal.
Emma up, Jack walking down stairs. He arrives. 7:56. Emma tells me she has breakfast plans this morning. Caught off balance by her remark, but move on.
Nearing halfway through July. Guess I’m teaching in Fall. Fine, I say to myself, thinking about the books I’ll order. Sedaris, Lawson, then Crosely. Then the students themselves and their stories.
I look at Jack and Emma on the couch next to me and feel ravenous, intended, more ire in my writing. No more waiting, for anything. The image of…. Reminding self while reading my own story.
Kids watching show, not bothered by my typing. Quiet morning, aside from the show they’re watching which it disturbingly corny in writing and acting. They like it though, so….
42. I know, stop obsessing over my age. Hard to when you feel it so much.
No run this morning. No time.
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((((((((
12:07 Just did my timesheet and expenses, which I should have done yesterday. My Sales Engineer and another do theirs as they go, in “real-time”. I’m doing the like, with everything. More notes, jots int he moment. Especially with the shift.
Kids upstairs cleaning and doing various chores assigned. Me itching for the run., be on that treadmill and test myself today. Was researching training schedules for marathon training. Didn’t find one I really liked. I’ll keep looking.
Aim today is to run a light and eased hour. Note run’s spec in Holy Contour when back. Still need to log Thursday’s 3.25 miles int he heat around Sonic HQ.
I’ll be ready by then, 10/31, easily. Starting a streak today… running everyday. Yes, everyday. Even if it’s only a mile. I’ll go down to six days a week, eventually. Then five. But to be the runner I want to be, I need to do 7 days a week. Starting today.
Looking at running blogs, different styles and people, life stories. My running story, starting today, and with this impending divorce. Running will get me everything I want, need, have thought about pursuing. Literally, EVERYTHING. And I am About EVERYTHING. This morning I see running differently. I see myself as a runner much differently. Cannot bloody wait to get to the gym, be on the belt, running at whatever speed. Just running. 10.5 hours into fast. No plans to break it in this hour, or the next, or the next.
In this running declaration, the Holy Contour, I will only be a runner. Not a writer, not a business bloke, certainly not a wine writer or geek or anything-wine. Just a RUNNER. Music much of what running is, and what it entails.
Music, Running…. New playlists, tracks…. I’m reborn as a runner today. Yes I’ve said that before, written and posted to blog. Today it’s real. It’s just… real.