knowing now, FREED
riding around the half-block loop twenty times, counting each lap to me. His only priority right now, his world, his only sight and sense. Envying everything in his life right now from this porch, sitting in this cheap plastic chair.
You should see him. Relaxed, composed, sure. He stops, comes in for or a break.
LOVE.
My sandwich game is prophetic.
Keeping me sane.
Composed.
Moving.
They make everything better, happier…. just universally better.
Is not just physical, what you lift or what mile time you put up, what you do on some field or court.
It’s much more the composition and consistency of your mood and collective Equilibrium.
Stay calm, consistent with your creative.
Enjoy your in-place reality. Seize it as a time to scribe.
Thinking of you all during all of this, and always.
Stay well,
#professormikey
You work through it. Work bizarrely hard. Don’t stop in reaching, in experimenting and trying new methods in approaching business. Focusing A LOT on blogs today, and every day going forward. Same way as Sales Engineers have their KPI’s, I set mine before me… 2 entries a day for bottledaux and #professormikey blogs, then one a piece for ‘u-sentence’ and ‘vinovinevin’. Check budget and balances. Cash on-hand….
I’m not letting this mood overtake or even talk to me. Preparing a talk for tonight, for class… Nothing to do with essays or essay writing, being a student or being in school… it’s a direct address of character composition and how to maintain it, make it a distinct.
Working at a Starbucks, which I hate, in Novato. Town of Novato’s nice. In fact I want to spend more time here connecting to community and more than just making connections. I want to start my own echoes and visibility here in Novato, talk Sonic, walk around and introduce myself…. More speaking, more smiling, more introductions.
I HAVE TO wake earlier. Now, it’s about dire, really. Have coffee made night before, iced coffee. Laptop out, journal page exposed. Sorry, just a Monday, and Monday’s used to never get to me like this. They used to not register at all. So why do they now? Is it my age?
Finally the music works. Funny, or not so, some Starbucks have shitty wifi. Either way, Coltrane and his notes in ears, and my mood fades. I write faster, think with much more poise and personality. And this gives me the thought of the coLAB, devoting more money to it. Cancelling the gym, and yes even after going on Saturday and tallying 6.8 miles. Huh, could I fit in a run today? Not sure that would work, after promising Jackie I’d swing by his school in the afternoon, and take him to the bookfair. “You promise?” He said, looking up at me like I determined whether his world continues or crumbles. “I promise, buddy… I love you.” I said, tearing. He made it specific, his targets… a book on gems, and a shark tooth(?). Whatever he wants, that’s what I want him to have. What is his interest in gems? The other day on the patio, he played with this kit that had little rocks you dig into and find some mock-jewel. “I’m a scientist.” He told me. I smiled, playing catch with his little sister.
Everything I do today, with them in mind. Sending prospecting emails, the meeting at 9:30 in BMK, then with the Architect in Berkeley… Skimming through his website now, reading his blog, his story, seeing that I want THAT. Just that. Everything creative, from my thoughts, my mind and curiosities, from my children. When they play, they just play. There is no measure, there is no forethought, there is no obsession with results or feedback. Movement, as I’ve stressed.
9:01. Should head to car which is parked in back of this building, in a sec. In Berkeley, after Architect initial, find somewhere to work, I’m now thinking. Where. OR, prospect… walk around, say hi, be VISIBLE, communicative. No, find somewhere to follow up on prospects from last week, organize. Ditch this backpack. Tomorrow, when out leaving house… only phones and little journal I bought yesterday in Windsor.
3/2/20
Starbucks down the Road from Sonic’s HQ. I feel more Zen in all molecules and movements than I have in some time. From being honest with Self. You have to be, finally… about certain things. If you deny, or interpret it conveniently, then only more trouble compiles. I’m not going into specifics, and I don’t have to…. The specifics aren’t the intention of such a note… it’s the pattern, the habit, and practice. Diving into Zen practice, Zen ideology, and habit, mind, more than just some trendy mention of mindfulness, more than even me being here physically acknowledging certain realities, and behaviors. Knowing your Now entails so much beyond the Now itself… but what brought you here, to where you are, where you’ve been… why you’re doing what you’re doing, why you’ve done certain things and traveled in particular directions.
This morning, waking around 5:30 and heading here, to this same Starbucks where I’m not sitting and working and thinking about the past couple days…. Here I am, like this, in this sense and mind. A mind and way I love, where the Zen envelops me and teaches me about the directness of life, directions in one’s story…. There are choices, then there are circumstance possible given from some other being or force, or collective individualized intent.
Not sure what I’m writing, or even why I’m writing, but I know there’s a trajectory I want to avoid. For all sakes, for all pages. So, honesty. This Monday has tested me in certain arenas, then encouraged me in others. Realizing that there need be a shift with the ship. One step, I guess…. Sales Meeting in 1 hour, 11 min. Then class later. Then home.
One jolt in my world, anxiety… separation anxiety from my kids. Writing it makes me tear, but I know fortitude is the only electable echo and forward. Eating carrots with ranch, part of some lunch box that came with a sandwich, and a sparkling water. Collect, I tell myself. Wait for more connectedness from the day.. more instruction. Think about your kids… how you want them to see you, study your actions. Be deserving of study.
My age, and having these realizations. What does that mean. Where am I going. What more can I do. Well, I finally know. So no attaching self to past. No more in-place holes or ruts, stalls or cells. I’m here, I’m doing it… re-writing the character. Writing the entire story. Me, where I am and what I’m doing… knowing my Now and its entire composition. Sonic provides more composition, more than a platform but specific composition of a bridge to get me from one reality to another. What I put into circulation, how I treat my bones, veins, brain. Staying on the page, the first motion to line dividing sky and sea. Music.. all of it. I’ll make it all music, musical, a healing composition. No matter what happens next. Unafraid, eager, writing more, clear images and steps… a renewed beat and beauty in my promised truth-speak.
2/3/20
Lots of writing in journal still to be transferred. Haven’t had any time with as sped and busy, sent by self I’ve been. Class tonight, and haven’t seen this section in two weeks as last Monday was MLK. Going in light, free, only carrying a role sheet and journal. Tomorrow morning going to coLAB, to write letters, conduct business through communication.. more emails and just quick notes, I’m finding are most drawing and effective.
3:55. Still sipping coffee. Could be final cup, I’m thinking. Yes. Make it. Water after this. Starting to pack, to leave office… friend of mine said to me after telling him today was the last being stationed in office, “Yeah, what the fuck are you doing here?”
Yes, NOTED. Even if I weren’t canvassing, I could meet someone, talk to someone about Sonic, about myself, about them and their business, or someone they know with a business. This is more than mere referral marketing… OH, drop off a bottle of vino at tech office in Bennet Valley. I’ll take one of the bottles from home. Or….. Yeah, nothing too elaborate, or pricy.
Taking a break from wine, and yes I’ve said that before but this whole day I’ve been thinking about what I’ll get done tomorrow if I actually do wake at 4am, how much I’ll write, how much I could plan for day, or workout which more than anything I’m eager to do. Will write and work and plan when back from gym.
Just made another call. Not so much a cold-call, but a follow-up to when I stopped by an office.
Need to find a place in Berkeley to station self. Know where I’m going tomorrow in Berkeley, just not sure where the nearest coffee shop is. Well, wait.. I’ll be around 7th, 6th streets, and there’s that one café… I’m overthinking. When “canvassing”, don’t canvass. Go for a walk, I keep telling myself. Enjoy the town of Berkeley, enjoy the varying business types.
Today, a day off one could say or see, but me wanting to further push into the AE story… starting with getting up earlier, the god hour of 4am, every day. Abraham telling me yesterday that he wakes all seven day at 4-something and works out. Last night, me staying up late, posting some story but mostly relaxing after a long day, or not so much a long one but one of production in many arenas and atmospheres. Today’s aims, only production… a run at some point after Jack’s baseball tryouts which are in three hours. Think I’ll launch after that… or, run on treadmill. Yes, the latter for speedwork intentions. Feel stuck in these types and not sure why. I’m thinking excessively. No more writing aims, find that’s a curse. When you put it there, it’s there to look you back in the face and taunt you, somewhat agitate you that you haven’t done it till now. Only option is to plainly do, just do what you need do.
Will hit that study/course guide for the certification, for connectivity and telecom work. Not that I want to be a Sales Engineer, but I want to get as close as I can. Associating it with winemaking, oddly. How I know enough to make win, e but not enough to be a professional winemaker. Some won’t get this analogy or association. A sensible note or corollary to me nonetheless. Maybe I do want to be a Sales Engineer, but without the title. An AE that’s more SE than AE. Thinking…..
Need to get a run in at some point. I’m anxious, not having woke when I wanted, not racking 8 or nine miles like I have a couple mornings in the past. Production, the word dominating the semester for me at the JC, and here I am grappling with it. A new blog project, ‘a productivity practice’, revolving in my thoughts driving back from San Rafael yesterday, methods of intensifying and amplifying, diversifying production and principle productivity. One, don’t let anxiety envelop you. If you can’t do something RIGHT NOW, because you have family to-do’s or some other appointment, push to side in your head knowing it’ll be later appeased. Second, bed early wake early. More and more I’m thinking this is the most obvious realization of production. IF I’d shot from the sheets at 4, I’d have a sizeable run in by now as well as a thousand or so words. And that’s my third point, no shoulds or woulds… only dids, or doing.
Studying production this morning in my own thinking and with my own narration…. Oh, another staple ideology is to travel light. Always. No heavy bag or collection of something under your arm. Be FREE, and free of things. Free of clutter and ancillary anything. Production so often is impeded by what we collect, and in my study there should be less of the study itself and more of a directedness of the productive pulse. Knowing all of this, in expanding and heightening production, your work accrual, is autodidact.