3/3/19

This.  This morning.  This is for you.  This is yours.  You have the morning, day, week, month, everything you want by deciding so.  Candle going, at laptop’s side.  Meditation with latte.  Wife deciding on snow gear for kids, upcoming trip.  Me, with the candle, something never near me when writing, seeing more Newness.

Fire, tempting me to try new avenues and expressive streams.  Morning, a bit sluggish from last night going to bed late and after dinner and wine with wife.  Melissa on couch listing prices to me for their snow trip approaching.  Tahoe.  Morning telling me to write faster, morning telling me to write more in Germany Journal, map how you get There.

Kids should be home, soon.  More photos of them.  Their steps in life, my story, the story itself.  More thoughts and considerations this morning than I forecasted.  What do you want? I keep asking self.  Above everything, not citing health of me and all near and loved, travel.  It has to be travel.  Every continent.  As many cultures as I can see, feel.

What’s the plan, wife asks, for day.  Good question.  No plan.  And maybe that’s what needs to be.  Life isn’t excessive deliberation, but deciding more in what’s already present.  Yesterday, not in Field with sales squad, I replayed repeatedly the walks on all streets.  Blocks.  Districts and meta-districts.  Truly wanted to be out there with them but couldn’t as that would’ve been day 6 in a row.  Which I don’t at all mind, but is against Sonic’s stances.  No quarrel, only putting myself there with them, imaginarily.  People in San Francisco, the battle to find a parking spot and the daily inner-problem solve of where for lunch. The plan for today is today, to not plan but to live, talk to both babies, ask them questions, learn from them.  Being with them is the demand satisfied, wanting them to teach me, instruct me how to get to those travels.

 

They already have, but I need more.

1/23/19

End of a day long, or just a day I perceive as long, on a repeat cycle unintentional but amusing, at least to me.  Up at 5-something writing on phone, get kids ready or help then get them in car which my son little Kerouac was more than intent on doing so that helped, then the drive.  Drop off little Kerouac at his morning daycare then take Ms. Austen, little Emma my love loving loves, to her schoolery.  Then to work… meeting, then another meeting after prepping all morning for both meetings and day in field then drive to Berkeley.  Walking streets with Sales Reps, then lunch, then a little more walking then drive back to Santa Rosa office.  Need to write about my drives, the Road, the commute, more.  I know.  Tonight, I have less than what I had when walking through door back home.  In just that small give of time, I lost a tremendous amount of beat.  Why.  Who knows.  I don’t.  Now with a glass of the red blend I bought the other day from Sanglier, during my short walk and saunter if you could call it that around the square.  Already 9:57.  I’m not giving in to my exhaustion, or this tired.  I won’t.  I can’t.  I’m closer to 40 now than I was this morning, goddamnit.

Done with dinner, at kitchen island counter, in my studio home.  No way I’m running tomorrow morning.  Will tomorrow night, seen in head right now looking at clock and wondering if I should just surrender and give in to this tired, what I now feel.  What if I didn’t.  What if I embraced it.  Write exhausted and a little sculpted from the wine.  I come home to sleeping babies.  Haven’t checked on them, but they’re up there, in their respective dreams and visions.