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#blogeverythingnow HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Event day.  Kids relaxing in loft, me at loft kitchen table.  

Everything, all action, with intent to generate revenue.

Henry indicates with hands he’s hungry, wants breakfast,  Piece of the cinnamon bread, cheerios and his sipping cup, milk.

Dangerously motivated this morning, me.  I feel I shouldn’t have booked this event, 4 hours is a lot of time I could be gathering story, details and experience, but… said I’d help a friend.  Us it, for what you just said Mike, I telly myself.

Event is all club members, certain tier of Swift’s set.  After that back here and quiet, trying to figure out the situation I’m in.  Noted in journal but not here.  Keep pressing on, like Dad said yesterday.

One idea, but can only give it adequate address tonight when back from the event.  Leaving a note on my desk so I won’t forget.  Don’t think I will, but just in case.

Henry swings at Jack I tell him to stop, he then points out the window toward my neighbor Jenny’s house.  “Where’s Miss Jenny?” I ask him.  He points again.

Categories
#blogeverythingnow HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Telling self to relax again.  Couldn’t nap, too much in thoughts’ composition.  Diet Coke, shower in a bit.  Everything measured, EVERYTHING.  Shorter posts… staying up tonight and working while little Henry sleeps, big kids too.  Everything now is about ‘ben’, #blogeverythingnow.  Has to be.  Singularization and consolidation.  Focus…

How to make a story from anything.  Today, the ups and downs of it, useful turbulence.

2:07, little over two hours till I have to leave and get Henry… using everything.  Old pictures, old journal entries, quoting my loved authors… writing self a quick poem – 

The sky has the color I determine

Doesn’t have to be what they want for me

And it won’t

They’re chosen gray, no brightness or light

What they draw for me

Not accepted, I have a sheet already

My colors my tone my voice

Not theirs

They’ve only proceeded comedy

Thinking their order can lock onto me

My mind now.  Back to AE story, About EVERYTHING.  What will come from this, the latest draft of New Mike Madigan, they will not be prepared for.

Kerri texting “Mike Madigan is a fucking badass.” Need to believe, see that.  She always raises this writer’s way and day.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

10:28 call done.  90 outside.  Huh… What now, a break?  Moving those weights back in here… 4 sets of 20, curls.  Then reverse, I don’t know if you’d call them curls, to hit triceps.

Got them in here, the weights or bells, whatever they’re called.  20 reps, biceps.  Rest a minute.  Diversifying health and workouts, but again for sakes of being a runner.  One well-rounded.

No fast counter clock set last night, so just pushing till noon or one then I’ll have something for lunch.  Something light.  Last night had the rest of Emmie’s sandwich I made Saturday for our beach picnic.  She didn’t take a single bite as Jack mistook it for his and  took a couple gnaws.  Saved it and it was clutch for last night.  That didn’t appease so then made self a quesadilla which wasn’t that bad to be honest.

Thinking about that Chinese place I had lunch at for the first time last week after meeting with my attorney. Hmmm…. Looking at the wall again.  Thinking only about love and loving the moment… missing my kids, but not getting down or too emotional.  Staying entrenched and committed, to this.  The moment.  So much to say about this and how I got here…. What it took, all that’s transpired and how my character has been affected.

Life, fragile and inviting, and too fucking quick.  All I’m going to say.  Nothing I can do.  Another 20 reps.  Tired of the current playlist…. How about some Coltrane.  He always makes me more productive and think differently.

Decide something else, some Chill Lounge playlist.  There’s like a million of them on Spotify.  Which is great for me as I use them often.

10:50… break from desk.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

More and more the morning I see as a speaker to me.. not a barrier or obstructor.

But a postmodern mentor… poetic and kind.

An adventure.. that’s what I’m on.  LIFE, is the adventure.  I already have it—  WE, already have it.  No need to wish, ever.

Grateful for THIS… this line and sentence and morning, hour, even the evil heat outside.  NO— It’s not evil, but gifting and kind.  A rearrangement of perspective… communicating more, with my self and other, with you as readers and the room itself.. this brick and the coffee cup.

Guess you could call this spiritual… YES, it is.  MY spirit, it being elevated and brightened, glossed in new thought and understanding.

…..

9:56 about to get on a call.  Would be a small sale, but I don’t give a shit.  I really don’t. Long as I don’t goose…. Too happy this morning to let anything bend me one way or another.

Happiness… the definition and philosophy while on this call, while the client and SE talk… my only aim and priority.  The kids are the EVERYTHING, and the happiness is elemental and integral.

The wall, becoming a meditation relic and alter.  New, healing…

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6/18/22

Saturday.

Kids just picked up…. Playing out in the area between condo buildings before their mother got them.

Told myself that the first thing I would do is clean, but then I just thought after closing the garage door and sitting here at desk (the top of which is finally 100% clear by the way) that I deserve some quiet.  Like Chris and I talked about over the phone, what makes me happy.

Picture of Paris Mom bought me leaning agains the brick.  I’m going back next year, no fail.  My only aims are to write and run, blog the whole thing.  Me back in Paris.  How long have I been thinking that and for how long was I discouraged, or was there something, some objection always brought up.  Now is different.  Now I’m going.

Has espresso shots earlier but want to walk to Noto, if not for coffee then a sparkling water.  Just to walk, enjoy my morning.. no hassle, no waiting for someone to call.  This is all for me. My minimals context for the poz loft extend for what I now have as reign for self.  Simplicity, singularity, brevity…

Quiet house, keep thinking about cleaning.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Think I messed up the dates earlier in this journal.  Shit… oh well. Focus on the peace

of this room, the quiet after a crazed morning with all 3 – take Jack to camp then Emma and Henry to my parents’, then dealing with that ex and all her harassment and back-and-forth, and banshee-ness…

Off the phone with Chris, talking about anxiety and what causes it.  Tired thinking of anxiety and tired, exhausted and annoyed more like it, in feeling anxious and nervy …. Another message from her over that stupid app, but I’m ignoring it.  Not letting that voice in my head.  Not saying I’m blameless, but…. Find the funny in this.  It has to be seen as humorous.

It’s all humor… the divorce thing, the AE story, me stressing.  Come on Mike, I say to myself right here in front of the screen while the LoFi beats speak to me, try to calm me down.

Pushing those energies out of my head.  Thinking of tomorrow, more quiet to me… and the power nap I’m about to take as soon as I finish the latte and the caffeine beam is broken and feel no shakes …

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6/15/22

Get Emma at 11:30, meeting at 1, then Jack at Baseball at 5 I believe…. How will I get Henry at 4:30?  It’s all going to sort itself, I tell myself.  Believing in my own words is the challenge.

Up earlier than normal, couldn’t sleep later no matter what I did, what I tried.  Walked to Noto, treating self to a quad shot, no LoFi and trying to calm myself.  The single dad story is catching up to me, no matter how prepared I try to be or what I do to get ahead of it.

Trying to distract myself… with work.  But there’s another source of stress for this writer.  Wrote out every province of attention and stress yesterday in the Paris journal.  Somewhat helpful, making it visible and see the areas that need to be addressed, psychologically shrinking them to squares on a page, written and drawn by me.  I don’t know, there’s an aspect of control there or something which makes it less anxiety-enacted.

8:05 can’t believe I’m down here this early.  Thinking about relationships and how they change, and they do.  One in particular.  Specifics don’t matter…. 

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6/13/22

8:47 in office.  Have to submit time sheet.  Do I have a meeting today?  No.  Thanks EVERYTHING.  Thinking about going into the Field today, but then I remember gas and gas prices and what they are and no.  No Field today.  So then what am I doing for the next EIGHT hours here in the office.

Running and fitness friend Mannie send me a shot of his workout, tell him I will be getting out later and I will.  Thinking of 4 miles.  Want to do more short runs so at least I get out there and do something.  Just run… and 4 miles isn’t short for me anymore, shamefully with how I’ve lost pace and range and conditioning.  Trying to change that…

Stay at the desk, I tell myself.  Let the ideas find you.  For the AE story, and everything else…. Quick bathroom break and back.  Yesterday with the kids, going by so fast I feel like I failed in some way – second-guessing myself and replaying the drive out to Bodega, wondering if I did something wrong with it being as foggy and misty as it was and unable to take them to the actual beach …

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

95 outside.  Quick lunch here at loft, now what.  NOTHING moving in the AE story. 

Thinking about going for a drive, but it’s going to be hot everywhere, and I don’t want to just drive around in my car with AC blasting. Well, that, and the goddamn price of gas.

So looks like I’m stuck here.  That being said… music.  Chill beats to fight off this anxiety…. Finish AED’s site, or landing page at the very least.

Little more done to site, but I need to devote REAL, uninterrupted/obstructed time to it.  Back later…

1:13 now 97 degrees.  Don’t even want to get the mail, honestly.  Okay… so I’m stuck here.  What I’m writing about, my topic.  Going to post in AE chat something like, “HEY!  Anyone wanna FOS today?” FOS meaning ‘Feet On the Street’, or door-knocking.  Can’t wait to see what the responses are.  Here I go…

Office starting to feel free, like a minimalist writer’s space.  Caught self overthinking again, and stopped it.  Not sure how.

97 still—  Oh shit, no, 99. Yeah, no interest in even taking a solitary step out the door.  Did a couple small things to site. 

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Promised Kerri this morning on our coffee date that

I’d have my landing page done, domain for About EVERYTHING Designing (no longer ‘Designed’) done by the time I see her tonight.  I asked her again about her business, and how she does it, and how she arrived at a place and point where she doesn’t have to prospect.  Told her I have this idea for AED but haven’t acted on it, asked her WHY.  She drew the parallel between talking and doing, and when you stop talking you start DOING.

If I could have AED bring in even an extra 2k per month, after setting aside the same amount for taxes, my story would change.  I could do more for the kids, take them more places…. I will be in Paris in Feb ’23, and back in Maui later this year by myself for some running and writing and self-care.

Running… feeling yesterday’s 3.51.  Can’t run outside, even this early as it’s already I’m guessing in the mid-80s.  Felt uncomfortably hot walking back from Noto with Ms. Kerri.

Submitted small contract just now, drafted email to Director Mark.  Nothing serious, just that I’m still trying and…