Tag: Mental Strength

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

One of those mornings where you don’t know how to start, want to do everything but overthink that first step.  

More coffee…

Brought cup downstairs from loft, the cup that boasts on side “Yes, I speak Kerouac.” Bought it at the beginning of covid, when still living with kids and that ex.  Seems like another life, another person. Need to speak more like Kerouac and write like him as well. Think the way he did, perception and response – live more and write after… 

Last night having dinner at Himalayan restaurant down the street with winemaker friend, talking about wines we’d make and if they had their own label what would its intention be, varietally.  Then about their mother and how she passed last year I believe, how today is her birthday.  Can’t imagine.

Life and how fragile it is…. No words.  Why not SELF-care everyday, I reason.  So true.

No plans tonight, keeping it that way.  9:03, sipping coffee slow and about to send numbers to a prospect.  What’s next for me in this story, the AE pages.  Can’t slow down, allow self to be disconnected or disenchanted.  My own music, today made and concurrently played.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6/8/22

…..

8:32

Starting day.  No Noto.  Everything here.

Hear from an old prospect only to be told I’m too expensive.  Great…. Sip espresso and forget about her.

Mind in every corner and structure… not sure where to start.  Nothing nay-saying or bitter, just wandering.  Could use more sleep, honestly.  Early power nap, penned.

This new freedom, reminded of its richness yesterday, walking back to the pot loft from the Green.  No specific detail, but I felt free, I knew I was and am… I’m alive.  Like, actually alive.  LIVING, not just existing.  How did I do it for so long.

Sending out a proposal in a sec, for that small deal.  Not excited about it, in fact bitter.  Talking to my AE buddy yesterday, about this game, this story of the AE.  Can’t bring myself to go over it all, exhausting and frankly disinterested.

Need a self-care day, like the Monday after my birthday, Memorial Day.  Perhaps this coming Monday.  Why not.  I’ll message management about it shortly.

And why wait till Monday, and why take a day off?  Why not have today be one of SELF-care?  Or, EVERYDAY.  Good point, I say to myself.  Decided.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Uber back to Windsor, had driver Bobby take me to Noto for a 4-shot latte.  Walked home. 

Bobby, sweet human, a manager at Safeway later in day but starting his day driving folks.  First thing I notice getting into his ride, coffee.  He later told me the strong smell is much attributed to him spilling a bit on passenger side.

Music last night at a place in Santa Rosa, Perch & Plow, somewhere I used to take Melissa to dinner, often.  Was our spot, if I had to say one was.  Told friend Mel that, not sure it landed with her.  Certainly not as it did me.

I do miss her, my wife….  Some reading this will have their comments, I don’t care.  Mother of my children, the kids seeing us together… and here are tears.  Topic next.

Messaged her, had to.  Life is incredibly brief I realized this morning again in the unusual June rain outside my friend Mel’s house waiting for Bobby, then again walking from Noto to the 228 loft.  Looking back, I shouldn’t have gone out last night but delighted I did and needed music.  This morning, LoFi beat, right before sprinting to “the 3rd floor” as my son Jack calls it to brush teeth, freshen for day at Michel.

Missing my kids, talked about them quite a bit last night with Mel, about Henry and Emma taking the bed from me the other night, then Jackie sleeping on the mattress beside the bed Friday night because he was scared for some reason.  They just get bigger and bigger, continue to grow.  Jack no willing to hug or talk too much to me around his friends, that pre-teen embarrassment.  Emma too but to a lesser extent – One day a couple weeks ago she wouldn’t;’t hold my hand walking her to class so I said, “Okay, I guess you don’t want the surprise when we get back to the Daddy Loft…” She grabbed my hand so quick you’d think that she thought I’d vanish right there if she didn’t.

The EVERYTHING in AE is them.  Simple.  My kids… 3 topics, three live, three narratives and walks…. Little Henry yesterday at Emmie’s game grabbing onto his mother’s hood, pulling her backward.  She telling him no and “Henry, gentle…” which didn’t work, then me stepping in trying to help which worked even less.

8:35, upstairs in 10…. Thinking of Bobby and his coffee-wafted car, his fuller than full day of work.  Manager at Safeway later, but not before driving dizzy and dazed, glazed writers like me back to their desk.

Second-guessing self for taking this winery assignment.  I could be writing all day today, prepping for the AE story tomorrow.  What do I want with this assignment?  Learned yesterday my sister Taryn left… so why am I there?  For the $23/hour?  The tips?  The free wine?  Is that more valuable that writing time?  Just calm, stay put for the time being.  See what happens.

5 minutes left….  Today, the wine, the drive, this 4-shot latte Bobby unknowingly shove me to get.  The life of a writer, blogger or whatever… at a desk.  Quiet house except for the LoFi… Happy, but missing kids.  Can’t wait to be back in this very chair later.  Going nowhere tonight but to WORK.  

My parents, all their help, sister, Aunt Denise, Uncle Tim, less than a handful of what I’d discern as friend…. Characters in my story.  Telling Bobby about the Maui trip— People like Bobby, that you meet then drive away, onto another interaction.  There’s something there… what. More than me, more than my perception.  THE KIDS.. what are they thinking reading this?  Have to consider that with every collection of paragraphs.  8:44 and 17 second… upstairs soon.  3rd floor.  Brush teeth, freshen… new shirt, new day, new sight and consideration of my life.  Life of my kids’ dad… wow, that’s me.  I’m their father…

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

5/27/22

7:10 kids awake and fed breakfast, teeth brushed and dressed ready to launch.  Just have to comb Emmie’s hair.  Good sleep last night for them and even me.  Running today, 5k, and hoping this starts a new running story… like, a REAL running story.  

Espresso and soon another before coming Emma’s hair.  7:11, surplus of time which isn’t common on my mornings.  Must be ‘cause Henry isn’t here.  The little 20 month old is consuming and demanding, sassy and challenging.  And I love it.  But, the little barbarian’s absence assists ce matin.

Running Conde Lane again I think.  Just 2.5k out and back.  Simple.  Easy start to being the runner I need to be – healthy and alive forever for my kids.

7:14, okay go get brush and bring it downstairs, comb while Emma plays.  Make things easy on my princess, and me, and all of us so we leave on time.

I feel the dad role this morning, closely and consumingly.  This is my story… everything, even wine and tech, running especially, realize from my parenting story..

More awake than I have been in recent mornings….. more espresso, let’s keep this Beat complete, loud Now.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Wake with nerves, ones that tire me as soon as I leave bed. 

Couple emails to answer but haven’t touched them.  Call at one with Sales Engineer and prospect, this one I’m not so hopeful.

Consistent characters lining different reactions for some reason.  Can’t explain it, and not sure how to gauge it.  Just lay low, I suggest to self.

Quiet morning, and don’t plan on writing as much initially as I did yesterday.  The nerves stay put… meeting at 3:30, the recurring one I deplore.  Jackie’s baseball game… no game on Saturday thankfully so we can have an eased and enjoyable morning and day.  My birthday Sunday which I keep forgetting.  Why is that.  Seriously it’s not even a priority or registering.

No mood for the AE pages, at all.  Email lands, even less mood.  Take me back to Maui… that waterfall I’d listen to while writing, sipping latte and sparkling water.

Taking self away from this desk…. Vineyard, travel, writing, coming back with presents for the kids, and stories like Dad’s yesterday over a beer about “The Flight to Raz”, about when all the instruments went dead and there was no contact with ATC and he and the captain had to rely on their basic training.  Maybe not that intense, but still rich stories for the kids.

Thinking about them all day yesterday and this morning, now typing… they’re getting bigger, older, more aware of everything.  Nothing I can.  And I shouldn’t think that way, I should celebrate my healthy babies.  Jack’s game today…. Emma with me and I know she’ll want to play on that playground in right field as she always requests.  Their wants and attentions are enviable, seriously.  So simple, innocent, no contamination.

Sent one email… already feel like I need more coffee, I mean espresso.  I’ll make coffee in a minute.  Trying to change the shape and hue of my perception and attitude.  Harder than it sounds.  Or maybe it’s not.

Thinking about too much.  How do you get tot he point of not giving as many fucks as you should or need to?  Sent another email, and I’m bored…. How to light up day, the question as well as statement, thesis.

10:16

Looking around this office, feeling a direct dose of gratitude and humility.  All the good and positive in my story, and it’s a lot.  Paramount being the babies, next my health, family, this condo, this new story….  Didn’t work down here last night after dinner as I’d hoped.  I’m here now. I have to stop doing that, citing what I didn’t do or what I plan to and rather what’s transpired.  Past tense in the present – waking close to 8 this morning and slow to start, tired, recognizing how I hate the lack of energy.  How do I find more… coffee is one way, running another.  How and when can I fit in a run today.  Easy, 5k before 3:30 zoom.  Done.  Make it happen I tell myself.  No excuses, no outs.

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just writing

Kids at school.  The big kids I mean, Henry at Mom and Dad’s.  

He was tired, not happy so I had to lay down with him till he fell asleep and then slid out.  Hope he wakes in better spirits.  Me not sleeping well for a number of causes.  Emma’s bloody nose at 3-something, and Henry head-butting, kicking, slapping me.  Waking me up several times then me repositioning him but he goes rick back to his fighting stance.

I’m tired, and unmotivated for the AE story.  I was unmotivated before the kids got here.  But now….  How am I going to make it through the day?  High likelihood Henry will wake irate and I will have to drive all the way back to Skyhawk to get him.

Nothing exciting to write, except for this latte from Noto.  Had my first breakfast sandwich there as well.  I need to figure out something with incredible speed, in so many regards.

Going back to the #professormikey project and blog, all efforts with that idea.  Starting now, in this chair, here, and in this mood.

Call done with lawyer, feel better.   Put on some Coltrane, and I think I’m ready to work.  You know, do the AE thing.  Feel like I could take a nap, even after the latte sips.  Just say something on LinkedIn that read “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” Story, mine, where it’s going, the somewhat tough spot I’m in now with the AE story and ‘other’, which is all I’m calling it now and forward moving.

Honestly, more honesty.  TRUTH.  Maybe I shouldn’t say ‘other’, and just put to page what I’m addressing and defending against.  Certain monsters… explain more later, maybe.

11:12

Dinner at Mom and Dad’s later then back here for some hangout with kids then bed.  Can’t forget to get something for Emma’s poor little nose.  Last night and especially this morning, feeling the Dad role.  And in the best of ways.  Centered, knowing what I need write about and what’s the anchor in my atmosphere.  Emma this morning asking me, “Dada…. How do you build cities and houses?” I told her the question is fantastic, but not answering with an specificity trying to ready and make lunches, keep Henry appeased and clean in the same set of back and forth glides across the kitchen’s wood.

2 runs in Maui, and that’s it.  Unacceptable.  Running tomorrow after cleaning, just around here.  Maybe 5k, then clean house, then write.  Time to self.  No humans, no social, just me with me.  So needed after the trip and frankly time with my little humans.  This is just the tired talking.

In college, those pictures and room and voices reappearing for the first in…. Alicante, then Colombard, my then I guess girlfriend… ugh.  She did a fine job of ruining that last semester for me.  Or rather, me permitting her occupation and terror.  But more than that, living on campus.  Other students…. Writing with them – fiction, poetry, personal essay.  The pages printed which reminds me I need ink here.  Want to print, and print, and build books.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

5/11/22

6:02

Up before 5:40 alarm or whatever I set.  Suitcase full ridiculously.  Espresso… may need another shot after this double.  OOO message written and posted.  Well, used a past version and edited a bit.

Ready for trip, wouldn’t say excited.  This escape needs to be an incubation of sorts.. running and writing, learning from colleagues.  When back, quota will be attacked as it never has been.  Could get a call for a contract, so brining AE laptop in case I need scribble a contract.

Maybe Starbucks on the way out…. Spent a little money yesterday, not much.  Keep budget in line over next 6 days, or try.

Maui…. Last time I was there, 1996.  This is unbelievable.  And astonishing, what I did last year sales-wise.  Those two big accounts, one of them being an inbound.  Thinking over and over about the rest of the year, my birthday in 18 days.

Look right, on desk, my Sonic badge over the AE Notebook 1… opportunity.  No sales goal or slump will sop Mike Madigan.  EVER.

6:08, have a banana, take one for road, then leave.  Should load things in Ravé then do a quick walk through to see if anything missed.  Restroom, then departure.

This is it… the trip that will change everything.  Beyond grateful, open to the Newness of the island, and the AE life beyond this morning.

Ciao…

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6:28, finished small salad.  Laundry running and much more to go

from my procrastinating ways.  Turned off news. Bored with it.  More into the trees moving one way then another then some unexpected dance that appeared to be circular, just outside the deck or balcony as Jack calls it, window.

Jazz… Spotify list I think called “Background Jazz”. Not bad at all.  Feeling love and gratitude tonight, zen… Pinot I opened I think four night ago, last night I was childless, still showing fervor and tell, a jazz slow-stepping personality and flirt.  I’m more than happy now… some will want to chasm this.  Expect to be unsuccessful.

Missing my babies… little Henry asleep on the bed Saturday, taking a nap before his big brother’s baseball game.  The kids are the answer to everything… EVERYTHING.  They are the everything in AE.

I get it now.  Fuck why did it take me so long.  I mean, from a business spacing, sight.  Who knows and that’s a futile entertainment.

Get a message from Mom and course I start tearing.  But from joy…. Finally. That’s all I’m going to say.  FINALLY.

Pinot telling me more – more about myself and the Now, the wine, Sonoma County.. think this one’s from he Old Camp Vineyard which of course I know from the Sanglier days.  Another reminder, and message from time – “I’ll catch you.”

No you won’t, I answer.  I’ve already caught you, DEVIL.

6:52

Thank time for actual dinner.  One of the tortellini bowls.  Reminds me of her… mother of our children.  Melissa.

She needs and deserves place on page.  Some will dispute, I don’t care.  I’m writing respect, and yes love.  I’m not here to battle and tuck into a trench.  This loft is about LOVE, and togetherness, family.

New world, newly written.

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Health/Wellness

Anxiety rides my concentration and persona this morning, my Personhood or any sense of it. 

Missing the kids and feeling pressured by certain entities… it’s all in my head I say to myself in attempts to reassure.  But nothing.

Coffee first, okay.  Still so much to do with this condo… what I want to be doing the rest of my life.  Foremost conception and perception, meditation.

No music on yet.  Not ready for any additional sounds.  Quiet, what I dream about often…. Stillness of Room, just me, no other voices.  What I now have.  Urging self to enjoy and not stress over matters that are so distant from control it’s laughable.  The AE story and how shitty sales are this year so far.

SO FAR?  It’s fucking May.  This is the year I’m looking at I think.

Now I’m emotional.  This has to end, NOW.  Writing the whole day….  Dinner planned for self, no eating out.  Treated self to that Asian place around he corner but I thought I did a fine job daddy-ing, so there you go.

And not thinking about what and how to write anymore.  May even be quitting the thesaurus and looking for synonyms, or even searching new words.  Why do that?  Some weird obscure utterance isn’t me, and I’m to boast my honesty in an essay, right?

Feeling a little better.  Cold finally going way but you can tell when I fucking sniffle that the tail of it still pats and hits me when it wants…

Envelop, need deposit it today.  Need all the financial weight I can find, as the savings for this house is now eroding noticeably.  New assignment should help, with wine… details of course kept OFFBLOG and in book.

Have to hop into the AE pages… don’t want to.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Sleeping plenty last night but still a bit drained from yesterday.  Just Emmie and I in the loft, she playing a game and me noting what there is to note – groceries later, of course cleaning as the three little humans stained, disheveled, and just ran through the condo.  It’s going to happen, I have to understand, over and over.  Find myself turning into a complete neat freak since getting this place.  Not hovering over the kids by any means, but making sure they clean up after themselves in a collection of contexts.

Wash going, dishwasher as well.  Dreamt about my fucking quota last night, and sales, telecom and fiber paths.  It’s infecting my inclination and written delineations.  Single dad, new home owner… Dad reminding me a couple times this past week and the ideas and characters sprout like rising zombies, or old ideas that were dead now stepping in newly sped steps.

What I want to do for the rest of my life…. The revolution that keeps pestering me pleasurably.  Writing everything that people say… everything.  Myself, then ‘some people’, my family, sister, buddy Rony at St. Francis the other day doing a tasting for a retired couple from FL, I think selling them on the club and shipping them a case or more.

Return to wine… not that I ever left—  Just too much in this writer’s thinking this morning.  How to write, what, when to finish the book by, which I think I’m again re-titling.  Realizing that there may be a sunset tot the AE story, if things continue as they are.  So I need put more into this.. THIS.  This goddamn blog, all entries regardless of length, wine writings, the book… writing about being this new homeowner dad single.

8:32… still early.  Woke kids at 6:40, or that’s when my alarm went off.  Jack up earlier, knowing I needed to get him to his mom’s by 7:30 for some run I for some reason agreed to – of course taking away from my time because being diplomatic and agreeable is my flaw.  Now some people try to capitalize more on my character composition, well aware of it but then eager to point out flaws.  Not getting into it even though some of you know exactly what they fuck I’m talking about.

Told, “You should write about the divorce and everything that’s happened…” Why?  I’m bored of it.  Was months ago.

Write EVERYTHING.  Same way Chris Rock uses his life for material… his divorce, I think his daughter getting expelled from some boarding school or something.  Everything… this coffee, Emmie not wanting to go out to breakfast with her daddy instating wanting to rush back to condo so I can make her breakfast.  My sweet Emma…. No human traps and tells my heart like her.  Not one.  This morning, while at first frustrating me has me smiling like one of those monkeys you see in comedic or blooper clips or memes.  That’s the Now-me.  Eased.