Tag: Mental Strength

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Slow and stuffed up.  Cold not letting me free. 

Pushing through it as best I can.  Friday, so calls needing to be made.  Manifesting money… sounds like hooey.  But, worth a try.  Comforted in office this morning, not frigid like yesterday.  Writing out ideas and what I have to do for kids this weekend, shopping ahead of time… Oliver’s then a couple other stops.  Not sure why I get nervous before they come over, stay the night.  Each time, I swear.

Idea for article….  Will write the first one Sunday night.  Not sold on the first idea or prompt, premise if you would.  Don’t need to decide now, just caught by the idea of attitude building composition, “decidedly”.  Like manifesting, but more specific.  And not bullshit.  Not some human smiling in a picture walking along the beach and all vocal like, “I manifested this, and you can too!” Just doesn’t seem true or real to me.  And, that’s just not me, PERIOD.

8:38…. One month from today I’m 43.  FUCK.  Time to start manifesting.  There I said it.  After his coffee, walk to Noto and get a small late and that does it for caffeine this morning.  Have laptop in room tonight, so when little Henry falls asleep I can either wake up and work or work right when he falls asleep.

The book… Daisy.  That’s the title I didn’t want to give away.  But now I’m thinking ‘Daisy Obsidian’… the two symbols speaking to me recently, and showing me aspects of self I maybe didn’t know were there, or just chose a certain attitude over.  

My attitude is my biggest problem, I was told years ago.  And it’s still true.  HAPPINESS… choosing that.  Not manifesting, but deciding.  Little tin plaque from sister’s garage now pinned upstairs in the loft, the breakfast nook I call it more specifically bordering the kitchen, reading “CHOOSE HAPPINESS”.  Just what I’m doing.  It’s that simple.

15 minutes till calls…. Who am I calling though? Oh, and inbound from yesterday…. Focusing on me, my connection and reaction to everything.  Every day is Day 1, I remember.  So true, so actualized, so encouraging.

Sip of coffee… morning. Friday, kids, getting older, new house….  Designing life, redesigning.  That’s the movement, the motion of this character, MY character.  Like an arrowhead cutting through air till its destination.  Spring, Newness, life, purpose.

Cold slowing me down a bit, but not allowing it go gain any more momentum.  Freely writing and living… not liking this coffee, so spend the $4-whatever on a latte. Make yourself happy.  Happy early birthday, I tell myself.

The vine leaf picture, sin through branches, me waiting at a Starbucks… old visuals I came across.  Time moving and me at times complaining.  What does that do.  Why wait, for anything…. Time will keep doing its duty, unconcerned and more accurately unaware of our reaction.

Noting to myself what has to happen, where I want to go and what I need do.  That simple.  HAPPY, this morning and always.  No voices allowed to cut into or dilute my happiness shares.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

You hear people sometimes say ‘take a step back…’

Just what I’m doing this morning, today.  Tuesday, my favorite day of the week recently as I’ve told you.  Coffee to start, a couple emails, some receipts and I notice I’ve been misspelling my new café’s name.  Noto, not nota.  Think I called it nota because it reminded me of writing, notes.

Have to get out revised contracts today.  That has to happen.  No more procrastinating.  And, work offsite.  Maybe at Noto for the first time.  Why not.  Start new conversations.. use the contacts you already have, I remind myself.

Clearing my throat again, about to send contract.  Need something new, something different and never before touched.  Like what….?  No idea.  Keep writing till I find it.

Enter another receipt…. DONE.

Now more coffee…. Run at 11, just 5k.  Have to do that everyday, I tell myself and have before but of course failed, deflated with distraction.  DONE, as well.

Restarting computer, again…. The AE laptop I mean.  Getting sick of doing that.

9:06

First contract out…. Taking step back, with prospecting.  What do I want, what am I after… if there’s a chance of me defeating quota what Road is the most rich.  Try them all, I remind self…

Another receipt.  Pile shrinking, somewhat.  New route for today’s run.  Start at Green and head north, or is that west.  Whatever, that way, toward Old Redwood Highway.  5k, that’s it.  Would to hit 5 miles, but I’ve lost significant conditioning.  My fault.  Nothing nor no one to blame but Mike Madigan.

9:27, running, a new story.  Today, I swear to myself.  Even if I have to walk part of it which I hope I don’t.  The AE story…. Everything.  Simplified, singularized.  Go after the businesses I have, then more – technology, startups… creative… seeing more in this new scene and vision.

Quick break, then back at desk…

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Herd Piles On Floor

8:52

Woke and cleaned kitchen a bit, not that I did yesterday as I planned, as you can guess.  Yesterday was more a ‘get more or whatever I can remember for the loft’.  Think I got everything but who knows…

Leaving for Caddis, my last day, in just over 30.  Coffee, no espresso.  First time I’ve done this, actually write in the office first thing in the morning, on a “day off”.  Realized that I’m rarely down here except for the weekdays.  Shame I said to myself taking out a sparkling water can I left on the desk, out to the recycling in garage.

Miss the kids and them in the morning here.  Nearly makes me chocked up but I have to not think about them now, this morning, in this sitting.

HOW DO I GET TO WHAT I WANT OF THIS CONDO?

Me here as a writer and that’s IT.  Nothing else.  Of course, my own company, but all from being a character like this.  Waking and writing, first thing, before ANY “thing”, or action, or priority, or task.

First contract in I don’t want to think how many days landing on Friday.  Now what… a hunt for the next one.  A march against quota, that number, what I’m to do because I’m to do that as a sales person.

Thinking this morning of where I am and how I arrived.  Realizing I’m complicating so much just with thought.  Action solves that, some movement, any direction, just ACT rather than perception and excess or even normal measurement.  Freestyle living, just as much as writing.  Composition liberated, MINE is.  Finally, after years of…..

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

11:27… finally a contract coming in.  FINALLY.  Ending as you know the longest dry spell in my AE story.

This picture with Henry when we still gave him baths at the sink, looking at Jack and Jack trying to either make him laugh or just play with him teaches me everything I need to change in business.  EVERYTHING.

And, in writing… the Now and how I read it.. where I go from here, in this Writing Loft which I’m now calling the TGWL.  Town Green Writing Loft.

11:55 – Oh my god so many distractions here.  Projects I want to start, re-organizing, consolidating, some papers and other articles I just want to toss, is Jack’s baseball game happening today ‘cause the little league site still says all fields are CLOSED, yes in all caps.  Then I check again and they’re OPEN.

So, now watching time closer.  Should leave here at 3, get Jack by 3:23-ish, then get his baseball stuff….  Dad mode, and I’m loving it, like the AE story mindful of the calendar and where to be when.  Like a game, or story, or puzzle.

Feeling sleepy and needing more espresso – 1000 words today, and everyday.  Just hit noon.  Feel like it’s getting cloudy.  The day becomes still… I look around the office and see if there’s anything I can move or rearrange.  See?  DISTRACTIONS.  They’re everywhere here.

Not mention how far behind I am, AGAIN, on receipts.

Forget about all that.. this picture with Jack and Henry.  The innocence yes, of course, everyone would say that, but it’s more the functionality and purposeful expression of their faces giving an observer an estimation of their moods and intentions. Apply that to business, I remind myself.

When I can’t think of what to put to page, I lean into self, where I am and what I’m doing.  How I got here, then the kids. Not that they’re secondary, but here with me in all this.  Their language last night and this morning, Jack and Emmie, having me in giggles and a renewed classroom.

Bottle Kerri gave me, still on the floor.  Like the way it appears, alone and solo, emblematic of Mike Madigan’s Now.  Nearly distracted again by something money-related.  Dismiss it, it’ll always be there.  Advice I’m voice to myself more and more now, in this period.

This fucking desk is a MESS.  Why do I always let this happen?  Just take everything off it… and having two laptops def’ doesn’t help…. Moved the receipts, to the floor.  Not sure that helped or did anything, but… move that shit to the floor.

Need a break from he office and these laptop screens.  Contract still not in yet.  Oh well….

Jack and Henry here… obvious the message, so obvious I’m frustrated with myself that I didn’t see it earlier and am only now deconstructing it this way.  Took the pic one year ago, yesterday.  4/21/22… definitely a differently time.  All of us under one roof but life changes and the character becomes someone else while remaining thorough in his thesis.  Especially as a writer…

Happiness, purity, rebirth.  Ideas recently cartwheeling in my meditations, and thoughts in the AE story especially, and especially in this goddamn drought.  So…. Henry reminds me to stay connected, stay curious, OBSERVE closely and connectedly.  While Jack, just tells me to laugh, be silly, celebrate careless Composition.

YES.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

4/21/22

……..

Leaving for the peninsula in a few minutes.  Burlingame, then SSF.  Not sure what this will produce.  Doubtful, if you can’t already tell.   Still moving slow from yesterday and everything that came up.

Told friend last night I need to make some MAJOR changes in this AE story, if it’s to go on.  New good luck charm in pocket, something she gave me last night.  Interesting symbol.  Won’t talk about it or elaborate now.  Interesting, just note.  To me, how I find and read it.

Well rested, going to bed early last night, or earlier than I usually do.  Sipping coffee…. The day is new.  And promising.  Shake it off, yesterday… everything that it was and did.  Again, new morning.  Going back to part of my old neighborhood today, seeing the kids later.. today will be amazing.  More than amazing, it’ll turn the momentum around with sales and my AE story.  It has to.

Make sure I have enough business cards.  Shit, they’re on the 3rd floor.  Eye-roll….  Then smile.

I’m here, I’m home, in the loft… where my life as a Sedaris-like writer starts.  I do have to laugh at some people and their language, and their explanations, and then me with how much I’m stressing over sales and goosing last month and so far this month.  What can I do… laugh at it, every piece and scene.  Hard to do, but I’ll bring myself there.

Should check in with the other AE’s I’m meeting out there, make sure we’re still a go.  Leaving anyway, even if we’re not.  I need to be out in the field more, I know.  Seen, heard, introduced by self.. a sales person, though I’m starting to deplore that term.

What’s the travel time…. Two hours and six minutes..  Shit… okay…  should leave sooner rather than later.  

You know what, stop writing.  Go… drive, be On The Road. Meet people, change this story.  NOW.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Starbucks taking forever.  About to get on phone

for Friday calls here in loft for first time.  Wines last night at Katie’s making me think more about wine and writing about it, now the next morning sipping a 4-shot latte for the first time in a while – what I do to this office and this house.  My own coffee and wine bar here, for me and family and only a few outside family.  That same feel at my own bar, small business… how do I get there. Where would it be…. Here, Windsor?

9:01.  Let people settle into their offices, businesses.  Cold down here again… need a space heater.  Upstairs to get sweater, bring something with you for archive… file box, obviously.  I want this office to be as spacious and open, minimalist and low-profile as possible.

A new idea, then another… writing, the page, filling it.  New day and character… going into call with only a comedic curve.  First call, NOW…

Left message.  Salesforce acting funny, AGAIN, so restarting AE laptop.

10:56

Latte done.  Time for one of those hazelnut coffees.  Decent amount of calls made.  No sales, but followed up on and touched all leads and promising conversations.

In love with this office, thinking about writing and instruction, Composition and teaching myself again about it.  Have to get kids in just under 6 hours.  What can I produce in that time, or do to this new writing base.  How Ir each to it, what it makes me think of…

Writing in a new location is like exchanging minds with yourself, I’ve found.  It’s a restart, a renewal… starting a new story yes but becoming a new diarist, new writer, new thinker and human.  This brick wall to my left, the view out this first floor…

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Think I found something.  Not sure

how to explain it.  Another sight or theory, business idea, predicated on brevity.

And, just not caring as much.  Freedom but with a fang, maybe you’d call it an edge.  More madness and whim-in.  I really do think I’m seeing the answer – right now, back downstairs in the office.  Friend on their way, then to dinner, but need this recorded.  Posted two notes, somewhat poem-like..

More than found, but connected.  More presently with one of my own ideas.  Why care, why react when some people just propel nonsense and vile hilarity.

Not focusing on it, addressing it, certainly not letting that shit into my head.  More madness – true Beat speak.  Getting it now, today… for specific delineation and elevations.

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just writing

Thinking about everything this morning, after writing Mark and someone else. 

This condo, going over budget last night and certain realities becoming even more real.

Sipping that new coffee I bought, waking slowly.  Sonic installer should be here between now and noon.  Had to reschedule yesterday since he couldn’t get into the MPoE.

Opened an AXR Cab last night at Skyhawk.  Amazing, just like I remember.  What I want to produce one day, that same style and speed of Cabernet.  Slow but insistent, loving and rich, dynamic.

Text from tech, he’ll be here around 8:40.  Time to self… happy I woke as early as I did.

What music is playing?  New chill tracks I’ve never heard before.  Is that….  Nope, never heard before.  Letting it go, relaxing me.  Ready for the day uneventful as it may be sales-wise.  Only stating the obvious, and if not the obvious then the current state.

8:27 distracted, but not letting it last.  Not worth my time…. 

He should be here soon, hopefully.  The internet now with this hotspot I’m using with my Sonic-issued iPhone is infuriating.  Detracting from any urge to prospect.  Literally no interest right now.  None. Know I have to snap out of it and I will… seriously, I HAVE to.  It’s a necessity.  Realizing where I am and the condo I just bought… Jesus.

No prospecting.  Networking, genuine connecting.  Focus on the humans, not the businesses.  PEOPLE… their stories.

Coffee in quiet.  PEACE…. collecting.  The peace I speak of is all in mind, re-shaping it.  Not stressing about quota or monies owed to people that in NO way deserve it.  The coffee, my mediator, mentor, masseur of mind.  Attitude… not caring, but caring intensely.

Writing break while the hotspot/AE phone charges.  Why does this year challenge…

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just writing

Everything downstairs.  Now to clean up, or not.  

Thinking just get rid of shit as I see fit.  Two wine bottles in corner in front of me, the speakers and Sonos equipment Chris gave me Saturday, then boxes of business cards which I should probably excavate before too long.

Try everything to stop this dry spell.  Trying to connect to people over LinkedIn, but even that isn’t doing anything.  Told the director I’m discouraged of late.  Not wanting any sympathy or special treatment, just communicating where I am mentally.  Then I remember what that other AE said about that book ‘Art of Not Giving a Fuck’.  How I have to be.  Feel like the harder I try the less likely I’ll fly.

So…. Start over.  Again.  In more ways that one of even two or three.

Need another Diet Coke.  Keep energy up.  Much more today obviously than yesterday.  More and more, I’ll do anything for more rile, more electricity about me.  So…. Laptops and wires, journals on this makeshift temporary desk.  One of those old Costco tables, that you’d buy for a birthday party or some dinner at your house, or a garage sale.  That’s actually what it reminds me of, a garage sale table where you’d find old ashtrays or tools, stuffed animals or kitchen stuff.

Arranging everything into books.  Literally everything…. This office, condo, second floor with which I’m OBSESSED.. the books don’t have to be long, in fact I’d rather they weren’t and I’m sure readers to. What’s that saying about human attention spans lately…?  Like twenty or thirty seconds, a minute tops?  Can’t remember.

Tried Googling an answer, and I gave up.  My span was spent.  

Distracted by all the stuff behind me… old business cards, receipts, DMV papers from Prius.  Eyes on screen, I scold.

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autre

Sent email to director, checking in.  

Ready for the day and prospecting.  Just checking in on businesses, not selling but seeing if I can HELP.  More later….

Sipping coffee, a new kind I’ve never bought before.  Makes me think of someone….  My mood and feel, everything is different this morning.  Internet installed later, getting a temp desk and chair and can FINALLY use my office downstairs.  Have only been in that room like 3 or 4 times for any extended time, yesterday being one as I was shuttling items upstairs to my and the kids’ rooms.

Sales is all numbers, yes a GAME of numbers and it needs to be capitalized because it should be fun, and humorous.  

Not used to this quiet, in the kitchen.  Me, my coffee…. Pulling up a business on AE laptop, my first target of the day.  8:51, starting in 9 minutes on the dot.  Hate that expression, on the dot, but I’m starting right then and there and won’t stop till 5:30.  Take a quick lunch, some fruit, crackers… Dinner at parents’ tonight.

More ideas flood my sight and synapses…. Connecting for the sake of…. Don’t write it here, don’t think about it so much.  Need to get out to the field, at some point.  Be seen, hand out cards…. Being in front of this screen is not working, at all.  So… to the Field, tomorrow.  All day.  Thinking Berkeley, much as I don’t want to drive that far.  Or maybe the Peninsula, walk Laurel Street.  Save that for next week.  Need write on calendar more, little notes and objectives, musings.  Example, “Sonic installing internet today 10-2.” More notes, not so many sentences and long poundcake-ish paragraphs.

Coffee’s delicious.  Time to prospect.  9am.  Already feel the nerves and defeatist in me.  SHUT UP, I say back.

Layering…