Tag: sales

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just writing

…cyberattack training.  Ugh…. Not in the mood.  Two leads from yesterday’s canvassing with David..  Will email them later, if I remember.

Yawn… not listening to paying attention to this training.  It is giving me some ideas concerning prospecting and conversations, but otherwise—  Oh it stopped, click Next.

9:41…. Stepping away for a bit.  Training due in 6 days I think I saw.  So I have time, no rush.  Good, ‘cause I’m still annoyed.  But the guy’s British accent and how he emphasizes some words has me a little entertained.

Listening to Emancipator station on Spotify, letting my mind go wherever it wants.  No focus this morning, none needed.  What I really want to do…. Not sure.  My sister Katie posts that she’s at the Fairgrounds going some extensive tasting, wines from Sonoma to Slovenia as she put it.  More than jealous, I’m curious.  I start thinking of ways to crash it, somehow find my way in.  Wine and what I want with it, shit like this… little missions and at time mischievous adventures.

Now Coltrane…. An idea pummels me, orders me away from the nap trap.  Emailed HR lady Bridget at SRJC to start my resignation process. 

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

One of those mornings where you don’t know how to start, want to do everything but overthink that first step.  

More coffee…

Brought cup downstairs from loft, the cup that boasts on side “Yes, I speak Kerouac.” Bought it at the beginning of covid, when still living with kids and that ex.  Seems like another life, another person. Need to speak more like Kerouac and write like him as well. Think the way he did, perception and response – live more and write after… 

Last night having dinner at Himalayan restaurant down the street with winemaker friend, talking about wines we’d make and if they had their own label what would its intention be, varietally.  Then about their mother and how she passed last year I believe, how today is her birthday.  Can’t imagine.

Life and how fragile it is…. No words.  Why not SELF-care everyday, I reason.  So true.

No plans tonight, keeping it that way.  9:03, sipping coffee slow and about to send numbers to a prospect.  What’s next for me in this story, the AE pages.  Can’t slow down, allow self to be disconnected or disenchanted.  My own music, today made and concurrently played.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6/8/22

…..

8:32

Starting day.  No Noto.  Everything here.

Hear from an old prospect only to be told I’m too expensive.  Great…. Sip espresso and forget about her.

Mind in every corner and structure… not sure where to start.  Nothing nay-saying or bitter, just wandering.  Could use more sleep, honestly.  Early power nap, penned.

This new freedom, reminded of its richness yesterday, walking back to the pot loft from the Green.  No specific detail, but I felt free, I knew I was and am… I’m alive.  Like, actually alive.  LIVING, not just existing.  How did I do it for so long.

Sending out a proposal in a sec, for that small deal.  Not excited about it, in fact bitter.  Talking to my AE buddy yesterday, about this game, this story of the AE.  Can’t bring myself to go over it all, exhausting and frankly disinterested.

Need a self-care day, like the Monday after my birthday, Memorial Day.  Perhaps this coming Monday.  Why not.  I’ll message management about it shortly.

And why wait till Monday, and why take a day off?  Why not have today be one of SELF-care?  Or, EVERYDAY.  Good point, I say to myself.  Decided.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Sent in reports, they’re both pitiful.  Going 0 for 3 in forecasted deals last month,

and the two deals I have forecast for this month – one is a long shot, and the other is puny.  This stress isn’t healthy, and the constant rationale of “It’s a tough time right now…” isn’t helping.

Decide something.  But what….  Seriously at a loss.  Call at 1 today which should close the small deal, but who knows.  Have some calls lined up for day, emails, going out to territory for a bit, see what that does.

Nerves everywhere, already needing a break from the office.  Thinking about walking to Noto, getting a latte, doing something for myself that’ll make me smile and kill some of this stress, make me forget about quota and sales…

8:47…. Latte, definitely.  Wallet in kitchen drawer with keys.  Up the stairs again.  No eye-roll ‘cause it’s not the third floor.  Listen to me…. Old and cranky.  Rubbing the obsidian turtle, hoping it does something….  Scared of the year’s remainder and sales.  Idea and I’m running with it.  Patience…. I hate waiting.

Back.  Love that walk.  This town.  Happiness, part of my definition.  What I hold to.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

6/6/22

Monday, but more than a Monday for some reason.  Woke well before 8 and here I am in office, at desk.  Tonight, cleaning and throwing shit away… MASSIVE declutter.

No Café Noto this morning.  Tempted, but not doing it.  Budget last night teaching me that there is a significant amount of cash I could be saving.  So, that’s what I’m doing.  Coffee and espresso on desk, ready.  READY.

Fruit for lunch… planning meals more. Running at EOD.

Started a new AE diary on AE laptop.  I’m going to log every step and piece of this quota fight, even though I’m not really fighting anymore.  Accepting it for what it is, and learning from everything.  Have a call scheduled at 10, and a prospect I need to follow up with concerning pricing.  Pricing on resold AT&T fiber, so I don’t see it going anywhere, but it’s worth a try…

Thinking about my vineyard walk yesterday, what I said on camera about making yourself happy and being a fan of yourself, being your best friend… truth, but something I need do more of.  Especially when it comes to being an AE, writing, and other fields.

8:48, tempted to clean the kitchen but I’ll save that for after my run.  Speed work today on tread, calendared.  Will try and do an hour, should be able to.  Run last week not hurting, felt like I was back in that running grove or habit but I have a ways before I am as you might guess.

Thinking about dropping any winery involvement… tasting room or otherwise.  Build MY brand first…. Yesterday at MS was thinking a lot about life’s work and what I want to be known for now and remembered as….  You could say a grim inner-conversation but no, it’s one that we all need to have at some point.  I’m 43, why not now be the ‘point’.  Why not now consolidate… why not now completely STOP dreaming and just like Kerri says manifest.  Force fruition, as I say.

Pictures of the vineyard, then five I’d take right where I’m standing in the winery’s kitchen…. There’s a story in wine and I’m not stopping in my love for wine, just winery involvement.  Eight hours is A LOT of time to not be writing on a Sunday, or running, or blogging, or building a site.

List of to-do’s for day…. The landing page for AE Designed.  Still haven’t done that.  Goddmanit—

OKAY… AE time.  First thing, clean and restart computer.  Focus on build network…. Stick to lawyer and law firm vertical.  Had a couple ideas thrown at me last week, need to write them down.  Networking possibilities or conversations…. See where they go.  One of them, an even my buddy Davin, an attorney, told me about.

8:59, emailed Davin back asking if it’d be odd if I went to that event by myself, not being a lawyer.  May just go anyway.  Why not.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Restarting AE laptop.  No making list of aims for day, but rather what I’ve done, what’s been forced to fruition or manifested.  How do I see myself… what do I want to be, like RIGHT NOW.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Uber back to Windsor, had driver Bobby take me to Noto for a 4-shot latte.  Walked home. 

Bobby, sweet human, a manager at Safeway later in day but starting his day driving folks.  First thing I notice getting into his ride, coffee.  He later told me the strong smell is much attributed to him spilling a bit on passenger side.

Music last night at a place in Santa Rosa, Perch & Plow, somewhere I used to take Melissa to dinner, often.  Was our spot, if I had to say one was.  Told friend Mel that, not sure it landed with her.  Certainly not as it did me.

I do miss her, my wife….  Some reading this will have their comments, I don’t care.  Mother of my children, the kids seeing us together… and here are tears.  Topic next.

Messaged her, had to.  Life is incredibly brief I realized this morning again in the unusual June rain outside my friend Mel’s house waiting for Bobby, then again walking from Noto to the 228 loft.  Looking back, I shouldn’t have gone out last night but delighted I did and needed music.  This morning, LoFi beat, right before sprinting to “the 3rd floor” as my son Jack calls it to brush teeth, freshen for day at Michel.

Missing my kids, talked about them quite a bit last night with Mel, about Henry and Emma taking the bed from me the other night, then Jackie sleeping on the mattress beside the bed Friday night because he was scared for some reason.  They just get bigger and bigger, continue to grow.  Jack no willing to hug or talk too much to me around his friends, that pre-teen embarrassment.  Emma too but to a lesser extent – One day a couple weeks ago she wouldn’t;’t hold my hand walking her to class so I said, “Okay, I guess you don’t want the surprise when we get back to the Daddy Loft…” She grabbed my hand so quick you’d think that she thought I’d vanish right there if she didn’t.

The EVERYTHING in AE is them.  Simple.  My kids… 3 topics, three live, three narratives and walks…. Little Henry yesterday at Emmie’s game grabbing onto his mother’s hood, pulling her backward.  She telling him no and “Henry, gentle…” which didn’t work, then me stepping in trying to help which worked even less.

8:35, upstairs in 10…. Thinking of Bobby and his coffee-wafted car, his fuller than full day of work.  Manager at Safeway later, but not before driving dizzy and dazed, glazed writers like me back to their desk.

Second-guessing self for taking this winery assignment.  I could be writing all day today, prepping for the AE story tomorrow.  What do I want with this assignment?  Learned yesterday my sister Taryn left… so why am I there?  For the $23/hour?  The tips?  The free wine?  Is that more valuable that writing time?  Just calm, stay put for the time being.  See what happens.

5 minutes left….  Today, the wine, the drive, this 4-shot latte Bobby unknowingly shove me to get.  The life of a writer, blogger or whatever… at a desk.  Quiet house except for the LoFi… Happy, but missing kids.  Can’t wait to be back in this very chair later.  Going nowhere tonight but to WORK.  

My parents, all their help, sister, Aunt Denise, Uncle Tim, less than a handful of what I’d discern as friend…. Characters in my story.  Telling Bobby about the Maui trip— People like Bobby, that you meet then drive away, onto another interaction.  There’s something there… what. More than me, more than my perception.  THE KIDS.. what are they thinking reading this?  Have to consider that with every collection of paragraphs.  8:44 and 17 second… upstairs soon.  3rd floor.  Brush teeth, freshen… new shirt, new day, new sight and consideration of my life.  Life of my kids’ dad… wow, that’s me.  I’m their father…

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

The kids…. Their faces and words, even Henry with his

communicative attempts, teaching me about me and how I communicate through these lines and paragraphs.  Sometimes I’m laughing, others sad, then reflective, then one of them meaning no cares and only wanting to play and have fun and roll eyes at and forget about responsibility.

Should check into the AE story.  Earlier another AE and I talking about how it’s getting more difficult for us to hit quota, or sign new business.  So much out of our control, no matter how much ra-ra talk is lobbed.

See another of my AE buddies on the chat, send him a message saying we need to calendar a lunch or beer, or beer lunch next week.  Good to talk with the other AE’s, see how they’re—

Or, better to start a new walk and story.  Completely new…

The idea of building, after my buddy Nick’s presentation Wednesday morning on his construction business and the in’s and out’s of working with clients and the type of work he’s doing but now has to shift a bit to a focus I forgot.  Either way… building…. 

Blank.  How I’m feeling now but not in a nerve-wracking or menacing way, no threat.  Like a door opened for the first time.  But then something else comes up…. When is this going to stop, this hostility from that ex and the divorce shit?  Beyond over it.

////////

Definitely a lack of interest in elaborating or writing about that to any known length.  Wine, wine is always more story-worthy.  I’m not saying more than the kids, but definitely more than divorce and scuffling with your ex, or being an AE, or sales.  But wine is so difficult, on levels too vast to tally.  They say there’s no money in wine, and whomever ‘they’ are, are right.

What if I go about it a completely different way…. Write about the Road tot he shop.  But how much will that shop make?  Am I too focused on money?

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

5/27/22

7:10 kids awake and fed breakfast, teeth brushed and dressed ready to launch.  Just have to comb Emmie’s hair.  Good sleep last night for them and even me.  Running today, 5k, and hoping this starts a new running story… like, a REAL running story.  

Espresso and soon another before coming Emma’s hair.  7:11, surplus of time which isn’t common on my mornings.  Must be ‘cause Henry isn’t here.  The little 20 month old is consuming and demanding, sassy and challenging.  And I love it.  But, the little barbarian’s absence assists ce matin.

Running Conde Lane again I think.  Just 2.5k out and back.  Simple.  Easy start to being the runner I need to be – healthy and alive forever for my kids.

7:14, okay go get brush and bring it downstairs, comb while Emma plays.  Make things easy on my princess, and me, and all of us so we leave on time.

I feel the dad role this morning, closely and consumingly.  This is my story… everything, even wine and tech, running especially, realize from my parenting story..

More awake than I have been in recent mornings….. more espresso, let’s keep this Beat complete, loud Now.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Wake with nerves, ones that tire me as soon as I leave bed. 

Couple emails to answer but haven’t touched them.  Call at one with Sales Engineer and prospect, this one I’m not so hopeful.

Consistent characters lining different reactions for some reason.  Can’t explain it, and not sure how to gauge it.  Just lay low, I suggest to self.

Quiet morning, and don’t plan on writing as much initially as I did yesterday.  The nerves stay put… meeting at 3:30, the recurring one I deplore.  Jackie’s baseball game… no game on Saturday thankfully so we can have an eased and enjoyable morning and day.  My birthday Sunday which I keep forgetting.  Why is that.  Seriously it’s not even a priority or registering.

No mood for the AE pages, at all.  Email lands, even less mood.  Take me back to Maui… that waterfall I’d listen to while writing, sipping latte and sparkling water.

Taking self away from this desk…. Vineyard, travel, writing, coming back with presents for the kids, and stories like Dad’s yesterday over a beer about “The Flight to Raz”, about when all the instruments went dead and there was no contact with ATC and he and the captain had to rely on their basic training.  Maybe not that intense, but still rich stories for the kids.

Thinking about them all day yesterday and this morning, now typing… they’re getting bigger, older, more aware of everything.  Nothing I can.  And I shouldn’t think that way, I should celebrate my healthy babies.  Jack’s game today…. Emma with me and I know she’ll want to play on that playground in right field as she always requests.  Their wants and attentions are enviable, seriously.  So simple, innocent, no contamination.

Sent one email… already feel like I need more coffee, I mean espresso.  I’ll make coffee in a minute.  Trying to change the shape and hue of my perception and attitude.  Harder than it sounds.  Or maybe it’s not.

Thinking about too much.  How do you get tot he point of not giving as many fucks as you should or need to?  Sent another email, and I’m bored…. How to light up day, the question as well as statement, thesis.

10:16

Looking around this office, feeling a direct dose of gratitude and humility.  All the good and positive in my story, and it’s a lot.  Paramount being the babies, next my health, family, this condo, this new story….  Didn’t work down here last night after dinner as I’d hoped.  I’m here now. I have to stop doing that, citing what I didn’t do or what I plan to and rather what’s transpired.  Past tense in the present – waking close to 8 this morning and slow to start, tired, recognizing how I hate the lack of energy.  How do I find more… coffee is one way, running another.  How and when can I fit in a run today.  Easy, 5k before 3:30 zoom.  Done.  Make it happen I tell myself.  No excuses, no outs.

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just writing

Kids at school.  The big kids I mean, Henry at Mom and Dad’s.  

He was tired, not happy so I had to lay down with him till he fell asleep and then slid out.  Hope he wakes in better spirits.  Me not sleeping well for a number of causes.  Emma’s bloody nose at 3-something, and Henry head-butting, kicking, slapping me.  Waking me up several times then me repositioning him but he goes rick back to his fighting stance.

I’m tired, and unmotivated for the AE story.  I was unmotivated before the kids got here.  But now….  How am I going to make it through the day?  High likelihood Henry will wake irate and I will have to drive all the way back to Skyhawk to get him.

Nothing exciting to write, except for this latte from Noto.  Had my first breakfast sandwich there as well.  I need to figure out something with incredible speed, in so many regards.

Going back to the #professormikey project and blog, all efforts with that idea.  Starting now, in this chair, here, and in this mood.

Call done with lawyer, feel better.   Put on some Coltrane, and I think I’m ready to work.  You know, do the AE thing.  Feel like I could take a nap, even after the latte sips.  Just say something on LinkedIn that read “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” Story, mine, where it’s going, the somewhat tough spot I’m in now with the AE story and ‘other’, which is all I’m calling it now and forward moving.

Honestly, more honesty.  TRUTH.  Maybe I shouldn’t say ‘other’, and just put to page what I’m addressing and defending against.  Certain monsters… explain more later, maybe.

11:12

Dinner at Mom and Dad’s later then back here for some hangout with kids then bed.  Can’t forget to get something for Emma’s poor little nose.  Last night and especially this morning, feeling the Dad role.  And in the best of ways.  Centered, knowing what I need write about and what’s the anchor in my atmosphere.  Emma this morning asking me, “Dada…. How do you build cities and houses?” I told her the question is fantastic, but not answering with an specificity trying to ready and make lunches, keep Henry appeased and clean in the same set of back and forth glides across the kitchen’s wood.

2 runs in Maui, and that’s it.  Unacceptable.  Running tomorrow after cleaning, just around here.  Maybe 5k, then clean house, then write.  Time to self.  No humans, no social, just me with me.  So needed after the trip and frankly time with my little humans.  This is just the tired talking.

In college, those pictures and room and voices reappearing for the first in…. Alicante, then Colombard, my then I guess girlfriend… ugh.  She did a fine job of ruining that last semester for me.  Or rather, me permitting her occupation and terror.  But more than that, living on campus.  Other students…. Writing with them – fiction, poetry, personal essay.  The pages printed which reminds me I need ink here.  Want to print, and print, and build books.