Tag: #selflove

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just writing

from this morning

A second ago was narrating to self, in past tense, that everything I was doing was a project, an action to be recorded, but while happening.  “Mike put on his sock and couldn’t hold in the yawn anymore.  Once let out he stood up as quick as he could and walked over to the coffee machine, the Keurig, and took the near empty little box of pods from the top where it rested overnight. Only 1 pod left…. ‘Goddamnit’ Mike said.” 

Not sure why my head was doing that.  It does from time to time, but this morning was different.  Even now I can hear it, between ears and behind eyes, “All Mike wanted to do was finish a goddamn book, but it was near impossible he thought with everything going on.  What if he didn’t accept that thought anymore?”  No idea why I’m speaking like this to self this morning, and for this long.  Usually when it happens the duration is maybe a couple minutes.  I’d say this has lasted for a better 20 minutes.

7:14am and no one awake.  Oh…. Except for I think Jack who I just heard move above me.  First couple sos of coffee and I can already feel—  Stopping sentence, written that before I’m sure.

Company-wide meeting later today, around 2 I think.  Another virtual one.  Reports still due.  Will try and get them done by end of day.  Try.  Or ask for an extension till Monday which I’m all but certain I’d get.

No idea what I’m doing this weekend.  None.  Nothing I really want to do other than hang out with the little humans, maybe do our traditional daddy breakfast tomorrow or Sunday (probably tomorrow I expect them to request it).

You know what, I’m letting Mike enjoy his Friday, Fridays. 

Categories
just writing

Typing with a latte as you might guess and expect.

New on.  Commercial now.  Was up at 3 and wrote a little around 3:30 I think.  Will post later.  Driving up here thinking about happiness, and how one captures the degree or type and intensity of happiness they’re after.  The commercials are beginning to annoy me, so TV off and music on.

I watch for a little longer then the Republican gubernatorial candidates start talking and I immediate push POWER.  Off.  Music, save me….  Nothing against Republicans, but politics this early… no.

8:15, caffeine working.  Now Mr. Coltrane.  Probably my favorite track.  If you’ve read my pages, you know.  More relaxed.  Not stressing about quota, or the reports that were due yesterday, prospecting.  None of it.  Just more connecting to the Now, where I am.  

Just realized, today is day 361 of my 365 project.  How did that happen.  Well, I know… time.  No stress over it.  I’m here, this is what I have to work with…. So quiet, so relaxed.  No interest in “working”.  Watched an interview with Jenny Lawson yesterday, had me thinking about essays, humor, how humor can solve things.  

Quick to journal…. Capture.

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Health/Wellness

Courage Ritual

Latte and thoughts, hearing Henry cry for something upstairs.  Both big kids up.  Headed to Sonoma Square in a matter of minutes…. Gas in car first.

Finally found time for a shower this morning.  Don’t know how many days it’s been.  That’s a covid-era thing, I feel.

Little bit of an anxious feel, but I write through it.  Try to.

Running into an old friend yesterday, hadn’t seen her in I think 8 years.  Time remind me that there is more than enough to write in the moment, right now, here, where you are.

Another semester note.  Noted.

Categories
just writing

Morning – Starbucks for everyone in house – Tranquility, assembly, placidity.

My character changes, everything does.  Focused on building Bottledaux today.  Break later is when I’ll run.  At lunch.

First focus, images – photography.  Stories…. From Kerouac to Plath, to Hemingway and Hughes, Sedaris… AUTHORS.  More and more I see BX as a publishing body and marketing & sales lab.  Never wrote it like that… no set aim or architecture around the latter province.

A little after 10.  The whole day, a new book.  At desk, LoFi beats…. Want to drive, take pictures, where….  Just drive.  Thinking blocks the Road and its sensual storm.

The day encourages only elevation and new climate – 

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Holy Contour, a running declaration

Only 3 miles ran, and my pace was shit.

Not used to the hills here, and the heat shot upward in temp as soon as I locked the front door.  Ran 3, walk 1 all the way back.  Over 17 hours into fast, should probably get something for lunch.  Set one appointment with prospect and Engineer, not sure it’ll go anywhere.  Plan for next month, never be at a computer, just walk around everywhere, leave and give out cards, be like a politician campaigning.  This month is done, I’ve decided.  August needs to be ALL visibility.  Everywhere… positive attitude and wishing people well.  New paragraph culture and collective composition.

Got distracted by something, and I can’t remember what.  Think notes on the shift.  Either way, lunch.  Need some.  Have cards ready for meeting with leads group tonight.  Have to stop by bank….  Have things to do.  Keep moving.

3:07, lunch done.  Only ate half the sandwich.  Lost hunger, stomach must have shrunk or something.  Been in this same location all day.  Getting up to leave shortly.

…..

8:23pm, water.  Another night with no wine.  Loved too much how I’ve felt these last couple mornings.  Tomorrow I’m up around 4:30, I’m hoping.

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Health/Wellness

7//29/21

Bed before 10 last night, and no wine.  Had trouble getting to sleep, thinking about work and the shift, possibly traveling somewhere soon by myself.  Writing… what that person said in the leads meeting yesterday about writing, and how that is everything to her.  Actually, it was one member presenting on another.  Either way, I thought the story itself was speaking directly to me.  Mike Madigan’s story speaking to him, telling what direction to take.

6:53, thinking about that David Sedaris interview.  Sedaris and what he does…. This semester, which begins three weeks from Monday of this week.  Not looking forward to teaching over my blog, or zoom meetings – fuck I’m so sick of those.  Breathe, as someone told me to do recently.  Put out a much love and positivity, #pozvibez as I say,  into the world.  It has to come back, I tell myself.  And not that’s the reason I’m doing it, but start thinking maybe certain facets of reality that I don’t care for or enjoy or downright dislike are an echo of something I offered the world.  Just a thought…

Thinking about an Oliver’s latte.  Surprised how good they are.  Yes, I’m addicted.

Love early.

Categories
just writing

Spinning Idiot

Drove out to get lunch, a poor boy sandwich from Oliver’s.  Had half, then decided to head to HQ.  Got there, no parking spaces, got annoyed, came back.  So here I am.  Just reached out to a lead, then another one over email, and feel exhausted from run earlier.  Can’t let it drag me… 5 miles of treadmill work tomorrow morning.

2:48pm, not sure what to do.  There I go with the indecision….  Oh my god I’m tired.  Must have been the goddamn hills.  It’s good for you, I say to myself.  And I know it is.

Taking a break, watch the news, take some notes….  Nothing is happening in the AE world and the more I try to force it the more frustrated and bitter and resentful my attitude molds.  Pause…

But then back.  My mind won’t turn off, it circles and circles, and plays with me.  Or more so, taunts me. Insults me.  “Why can’t you land on anything, Mikey?” it says.

“’Cause you won’t let me, you fucker.” I say back, and yes just how it sounds.

Watching the news, more on the “Delta Variant”.  Jesus, go away already.

Could use another drive, honestly.  To where…..

Categories
just writing

Idea hits me for class, this semester.

I write in journal, beginning to end how the idea will take shape and maintain the 18 or so weeks.  Want this semester to be my last conventional semester, at SRJC or any college.  How do I build this, what I say…?  Taking my time.

Looking out at view, Mayacamas.  Now, this sitting, this table, ME – new experience. 

Remembered that the prospect wanted an email, so just sent one.  See what happens.  Prospecting when it’s easy, if it’s EVER easy, is one thing.  Doing so when things are slow is another… #prospectesk is for tough times, not when sales are just attaching themselves to you like raindrops or slowly descending snowflakes.

Calming… slowing….  I do give a shit, but not that much of one.

Fear becomes my most direct foe.  I thwart it with Coltrane, work, this sentence and the next.  Understanding Mike Madigan and how he arrived here….  Complicated, not really.  Rather candid and direct.

Big list of new leads allocated.  Will get into, in a bit.  Short run today I’m thinking… change phone, can’t forget.

Taking a break.  Watch a little news.  Disconnect from screen.

12hrs, 26min into fast.  Persist.

Categories
just writing

7/27/21 morning

Should absolutely be at 3000 words a day with the shift, my running declaration.  The only reason I’m ever short, and always am, nearly, is me.  Again, a day to be replicated and endlessly emulated.

Coffee here on couch, 7:25am.  Woke at 5, early 5-something and couldn’t go back to sleep.  Eventually did but not for that long.  Will need a nap at some point, no doubt.

Should be hot today so I either need to run earlier or resign to more speedwork.  Just rubbed my eyes and nearly yawned.  Can feel the exhaustion hooking around me head and heart.  Ignore it, I tell myself.  Remember what today has to be.

Jack getting ready upstairs and will be down here soon.

Attitude is your Architecture, I repeat to self.  Who I am and what I am, what I do and how….  A no-so-young writer, needing new experiences.  Well, I have one.  So note everything.  And not just the shift, but all days are new experiences. You don’t need to travel halfway around the world or to the other side of the country.  That’d be fun, and valuable, but it’s not needed if Newness you’re after.

Categories
autre

!!!!!!!!

Caddis Room.  Need make today count in a way I never have.  Blogging, web design… project given new life.  Notes all day – how to prospect, where to start, where I want to go, starting with ME as a client.

Going through old pictures and pulling from past scenes.  There’s something in this day, in this morning.

10:52…. 8 minutes left of uninterrupted narrative.  Have chill house beats playing, think it’s the “Poolside Lounge” list.

Friend Justin from Kamen waving outside.  I go out and say hi, ask him how he is.  He tells me he’s hungry for breakfast and wanting coffee.  Offers to get me a cup after I said I needed another, I declined as politely as I could and we continued small conversation for a bit before parting and me returning to keys.

Back to pictures, ones I just took here in the room and right around me before Justin distracted me to outside.  Building something out of anything… there is creative in all corners.  Everything has Composition.  Everything IS Composition.

That’s my thesis with this business….  Fann’d, like the Poet’s fire.

People walking by.  Races today, should be slow giving me more time for EVERYTHING.