Tag: #selflove

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autre

notes

I want to more challenge conventional essay form.  I will.  I do, with my work, don’t I?

Blue Train, possibly my favorite Coltrane track.  Makes me happy, want to move, write more, have more coffee and keep writing till the goddamn book is done.

What one does for work, always interested me.  And how short life is, what you choose to do for work during your life, if you’re lucky to have a “life’s work”.  Not all do…   I know what I want my life’s work to be.  But I need to be more aggressive in pushing to that reality, pursuing it.

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just writing

Focusing on the Fall semester.

Books, stories, pages, journals, students….  New stories.  New everything.  I’m an agitated rattlesnake at present, but I collect, am calm.  The page assures she’s here.  As does the day, the miles ahead…

Rebuild.  Rewrite.  Re-ME.

Gather self and assemble new Newness in writing.

Henry calling, and I realize the new reality is writing itself.  Seeing myself as more an editor than a writer.  And, honestly, more a reader.  A reactor, a student.  Reading the text and reacting.

The Road.

Listening to jazz today, I’ve decided.  Finishing coffee I made about an hour ago, after the espresso.  No more caffeine for today.

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Holy Contour, a running declaration

Ce matin …

Went over to the coffee machine to make first cup and saw an espresso pod atop its respective machine.  Forgot that I fund one last pod last night and put it there so I’d see.  First double espresso here in home in some time.  One of my errands today, go get more.  And other to-do’s associated with shift.

No pain from yesterday’s run.  One again today for sure.  One training plan I was looking at called for a slow 9 mile run.  Shamefully, still out of my range.  May do speed work again or just run around here, the old route I used to do around the vineyard at the end of Coffey Lane.  Either way, I’m running.  No miles tomorrow with the day at Caddis.  Would love to leave early and run from where I park on second street.  Maybe.

***

Thinking of Kerouac, and his pages, the first time I read Road.  How I felt, what Iw anted to do in reaction other than write….  But couldn’t because of certain realities, blockades.  Those are now removed.  What do I do…. Oregon, soon.  Running.  Trying to play golf which I’ve always wanted to do but, again, blocked.  And I think the block was mostly me, my response to a block rather than just doing it.

***

Bottledaux, taking its shape, everyday, and differently.  Getting into this page in a different way…. My story, Mike Madigan, a deconstruction—  NO, smelting else.  And not an analysis.  THE ENDLESS INWARD JOT.  Yes! All of this is a note to Mike Madigan, and I use that tense as it’s supposed to be removed.  I’m the author and page-turner.  Hmmmm…..  Something to offer in the Fall to students.  Composition, right?  Do you know your composition, your story?  Started word doc for classes.  Still upset the term won’t be in-person.  But nothing I can do.  And with this delta whatever form of covid and it being al over the news and everyone scared again and death tolls being shown on the news like it’s a scoreboard, no chance of being in an actual room.  Have to get more than just “creative” on my end.

Said in the post of the espresso that it’s the “Writer’s fire”.  Didn’t Poe write something on the “poet’s fire?”

Just getting back from finishing a poem I started on the 17th.  Dated it today.  I seek to be more a poet than a “writer”.  Reinstating my self-instruction of a poem a day, any length, for the rest of my life.  Of course, I may miss a day and that doesn’t mean the project has gone to shit, but I’m writing verse until I’m gone.  NOTE THAT.

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just writing

from this morning

7:08am.

At desk, coffee and—

Difference.  Won’t make any notes or remarks on what I’m doing today, or prospecting.  I need a drive.  Somewhere.  Do have a chamber event at 10 or 10:30 I believe.  Virtually of course, people still keeping certain covid protocols and with this new variant that the news can’t stop talking about.  Hopefully that does something, provides some kind of lead or conversation.

Went to be earlier than I have in months last night.  Woke still tired.  Not sure if that’s ‘cause of a sleep hangover or I genuinely need more rest.  Maybe both.  Either way, I’m moving.

Trying to think of I’m doing something wrong in my prospecting but I don’t see how I could be.  Imposter syndrome moves in an encircles me, mercilessly.  Trying to ignore it.  I have to….  Just get out there, like I advised and posted—  See, I’m doing it it again.  The gonna-gonna talk.  Done.

Couple other small projects concerning the shift, and reading…. UGH, I’m doing it again.  What would Plath say, or Mr. Kerouac.  A young writer, which I’m not so much anymore, wanting to take off… needing those new experiences.  The Newness.

Running..  Running is THE Answer.  Absolutely.  Going to be hot today, so run on tread.  One hour.   A solid and committed hour.  Then tomorrow, find a new course.  Not around the Barlow in Sebastopol.  That didn’t work out the way I hoped.  Should I just run around here, Coffey Park?  OR, do more speed work.   Just run, Mike.  Who cares… OH, drive out to Sonoma maybe, run around Second Street where I park on my Caddis Sundays.

Dinner with the kids last night at the Mary’s down the street, making me smile now while remembering it and when there.  Poor waitress, overwhelmed as they were terribly understaffed.

{}{}{}{}

…more of a blogger, actually.  Never thought I’d hear myself or read myself saying that.  If anything, I want to live more and record it all, write less.  I mean, yes, I’ll still write, but not like with the attitude of “I’m a writer not a blogger!”, that I used to have and aggressively nice to anyone who asked or didn’t.

I have to run today, oh my god I have to.  Weighed myself the other day and gained back some of what I lost.  FUCK.  Okay… only straight coffee today, no latte.  Maybe do another 30 minutes on tread then 30 weights.  No, I want to run… and I’d rather not have to wait for that pull-down tricep weight machine again, or have to situate myself standing between two people with the free weights or dumbbells or whatever their called.  Just run, I tell myself.  Cross-training is a boon, but not the whole story.  Me as a runner for the rest of my life and running all over this planet… THAT is where I’m headed.

Reminded from something on social media, one of the bloggers I “follow”, to be patient.  Yes, with everything.  Running, the shift, sitting in my office and blogging, everything.

Categories
just writing

Home. Kids outside playing.

Me inside with wine at desk, trying to work.  Met with old friend earlier, talked about, well, everything.  Haven’t seen her in 9 years, since we both worked together at Lancaster.  Time reminding me again that it doesn’t care of my reaction or ability to translate or appreciate its movement.  She looking the same or better, but I can tell that I’ve and at least in my eyes and my sight from my ability to perceive the self’s visual.

Not just sipping wine, but here at desk as I promised myself I’d be.

Think the kids are playing with… fireworks?  Or some pop explosive things you throw?  What the fuck is that?

It stops and I go back to writing, sipping, more sipping, then thinking… that song by Odezza, “How Did I Get Here?”  I’m here, but how, and the shift, all it entails – much of which I don’t know.  I can’t obsess over it.  I can’t let myself think or dwell or think with any intensity.  My friend today, what she had to say from her experience and—  Don’t want to elaborate or even speak.  Just be here in chair, with this Decoy Chardonnay.

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Productivity

A Set Shibboleth

7/20/21

Site visit done.  Not sure how much opportunity is there, but I visited a site and have a potential lead.  Putting everything into this AE story, I’ve decided.  EVERYTHING.  And I vow to be About EVERYTHING.

Meeting at 11.  After that prospecting.. before leaving this Peet’s Coffee on Mendo, a place I’ve only written once, maybe twice, I want two new leads, fiber-optic only.  I’m going to fight this self-doubt and low estimation of the AE story.  Sell whatever I can, earn what I need to start my own office, then continue in such hue.

10 hours and 44 minutes into fast.  No fasting aims today.  Reall should run, since the right leg feels far better than yesterday.  No tightness, nervy aches or anything like that.  Take today off, I tell myself.  One more day of recovering.  Focus on the AE story.

Will station after meeting, work till about 4:30, then switch locations.  Leads meeting tomorrow, and I’m quite eager to get that story in its set sequence.  Writing more letters, sending more quick notes, and being in the Field more.  Tomorrow, Novato.

Knowing that it’s my character and Mike Madigan’s attitude and approach and translation that needs the attention.  More so than the specifics entailed in the AE story – the tech, the channels of communication, collaboration with a Sales Engineer.  ME… I’m the story.

What’s after the AE story…. Why think about that, at all?  Notes in journal, plan for next few months with markers to hit.  Meeting at 11, then lunch, then emails and looking for conversations, PEOPLE.  Not “leads”, not businesses.  But people, real conversations.

I know how to pull self out of this lull, it’s obvious… attitude and sight.  No fear of anything, and why would I…  fear comes before the result of something most times.  Nothing’s happened.  So make something happen which will change the character’s temperament and inward speak.

People coming in and out of this coffee spot, kids and adults, then people that work here with garbage bins or bags or going outside for their break.  Keep moving…. And if something doesn’t seem as promising as you hoped, let it go and keep your beat.  I sound pseudo-motivational, and in NO way is that my aim.  This is inward talk that I guess I’m sharing…. But reconnecting to where I am, what I am, an AE with a daunting quota. 12 days counting today to get something on the board.  Stay in the sales story… you know what you want and it’s the only way to get there.

10:24, leaving in 10-ish minutes.  Property management people are the conversational focus for today.  See if it produces anything, long or short or any term.  Building on already-present and somewhat developed ideas.  No repetition or circles, only horizon movement.

After a more whole and applicable understanding of life – Where you are, what you’re doing, how you arrive there, and what follows in the next scene.

Categories
autre

Not posting earlier writings this morning. Keeping off-blog.

Moving slow into the day.  And if I don’t sell anything, whatever.

Realizations in what I wrote, sticking to me and galloping through my thoughts like excited horses.  Life and its brevity, frightening but also… I don’t know, encouraging, exciting, exhilarating.  I’m here once…. Going for what I want, what I’ve always wanted.

7:24, been up since 6:40-something.  About to put on shirt, pack bag, head to Stony Point— no, last time it didn’t work.  Go to office, much I don’t want to.  Send emails, look for new business… Something.  Just get out of the house.

Planning the new semester.  Will send email to students at some point today, possibly.  Just an introduction, maybe a light and easy prompt.  Haven’t thought much about it, but I should start a conversation with them.

7:30, now the shift dominates my thinking climate.  What next to do, what can I do, how much longer to wait for certain scenes and developments.  Stop thinking about it.  Stop thinking, PERIOD.  Just move, act.

Getting up, use restroom then put on shirt then GO.  Windsor Starbucks.  Stay out of the office.. be in the street.  Walk around.  Just be OUT.

Mood elevating.  The self-talk assisted I the climb.  Am I completely out of it, no.  Getting there. 

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just writing

Just finished a 501-word article.

Starting a column.

Not giving away any specifics just yet, you’ll see…. And yes I’m following through with this shit.

10:55 and on the Square.  Tables all set, umbrellas up.  Going to enjoy my morning and day.  Stresses not allowed.

Hard to believe I actually packed a lunch, saving who knows how much.  And stuck to my no-latte-guns, surprisingly.  Tempted, but the jitters from the two cups – not even two full cups since I didn’t kill the second – had me thinking more caffeine’s not the best move.  So, sparkling water.

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just writing

Arms tight and incredibly sore.

Emma asks for orange juice, I make coffee.  Just her and I downstairs.  Emma tells me she hasn’t yet brushed her teeth.  I tell her that’s fine, it’s Saturday, no rush.  She then further explains, “When you don’t brush your teeth, THEN you can have orange juice.” I thank her for the clarification and knowledge, she goes back to watching her Saturday kids show.

What am I doing today, besides going one thing I have to do and in no way look forward to.  Never mind the now, enjoy your morning, much as that’s possible barely able to bend arms.  Knew this would happen.

Thinking a trip to….  NO.  And then comes the indecision.  What do I do, I could do this or that or something else….  READ.  The new copy of the Plath entries I bought yesterday.  Been meaning to do the for years, honestly.  The one I used during semesters and in between is just too beat up.  Want to see more of her work, read her sketches and how her thoughts shaped day to day.

Just started a poem, one line, 11 syllables.  Commit to verse, I keep telling myself.  Music –

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Health/Wellness

More ideas, reminding self it will take a bit.

Build blogging business in some significant way, today.  Go to Sonic office, imagine it being the Bottledaux office.  Launch from there to Rohnert Park 24 workout then return and throw self as far into work as you’re able.

Another vision, and another…

What’s happening this morning?  From last night when I had the 2/1/22 thought.

9.5 hours into fast.  What will it feel like on 2/1/22, walking my city for the first time in 13 years.  Will it have been that long?

Time, again loudly reminding.