Tag: strength

Categories
just writing

4:07

Okay, I’m actually doing it this time.

What.

Swearing off words counts.  Altogether.  DONE.  I keep saying 3000 words today, or for 2022 a 1000 words a day average.  Well, the focus is misplaced, kind of like some people’s energies and thoughts and intentions.

Calling the day.  I’m done.  Couple new prospects, but looking at other avenues of production and generation.  Not going to announce anything, just MOVE on it.

Turning on the news in a minute, thought going for a short drive sounds nice.  Actually, no… staying in.  No interest in parking, driving, being around humans.  Not now.  Need music.  Tonight, here in Nook, returning.

Just thought, where is my confidence level?  What is the altitude of my spirit?  Still attempting to measure.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Cliff Pond

Monday.  Not so much the feel though this morning, I have to say.  Go home just a bit ago, and had to restart computer.  Sent in small contract.  Thinking bigger after friend asked me what I have going today and I couldn’t provide much of a response.

Second cup already made, that new kind.  Cinnamon pound cake or whatever.  Vowing to stay in chair till 5.  Short run planned for day, on pavement.  Still feel yesterday’s beach 5 but not in any pain, no soreness.  I just feel it.  In a way only beneficial.

About to shuttle self to shower.  Meeting in less than two hours, shouldn’t be long as there’s not much to be said from my side.  Saving for OFFBLOG…. Wondering what’s next in all this, after not getting the house, and certain traffic still voluminous and active, volatile, dynamite-like.  Nothing in my hands or control, no wheel to steer.  So… that’s that.

Setting aim of 3000 words today.  All on the AE story and what could develop, what Lexi told me today about…. Save for OFFBLOG.  Bite my tongue but maybe I shouldn’t.  In fact, why should I?  Others don’t.  ‘Some people’ don’t at all.  They just pull cannon chains and let ordinance fly.  I’ll think about it.  Don’t want to mimic their ways, but the principle is interesting and somewhat valuable, applicable.

Need to have one list of prospects.  I have too many and am feeling scattered and lost.  Then change it…. Still warming up to the morning and day ahead, 9:10.  70 degrees today, it’s said to be.  Maybe run later, when sun’s setting or about to, in its setting progression.

Laundry.  Have to do it but dreading.  Hate how I get stressed at the beginning of the day.  Flip switch, turn stress OFF.

Categories
Health/Wellness

6:03pm

Just a touch over 5 miles, slow pace at the coast.  Uphill and all trail.  Ready for dinner, Monti’s again but this time with Dan And Sue.  Earlier going over paperwork, numbers, logging of expenses, tracking certain patterns and consistencies.  Looking at pictures and videos from Bodega head.  Fog at first but it burned off.  Couldn’t look at the ocean as I wanted to, the cliffs giving me vertigo and I certainly didn’t want to ruin off one.

Looking over more notes from day, music and running, poetry and the week ahead, tech and projects associated from BDX.  Busy, still.

Categories
just writing

2/6/22

……..

9:26

Slept in a bit and I could fucking kick myself.  No early run as planned, shocker.

Kids still testing positive as is their mom, and I didn’t get the house.  A bunch of shit right on shoulders as soon as I wake up.  Awesome.

Move past it.  Moving run on calendar till EOD.

Why did I sleep in so late.  I’m beyond annoyed, with everything.

Distracting self with thoughts of the week ahead. The AE story and the direction I want to take it.  Have another house to look at— STOP.  Forgot houses for a second.  Let go of everything, see what stays.

Nothing.  I’m pissed.  I wanted that fucking house.  Now back to zero, the hunt and search and looking when I could be selling.

Then strangely I feel more focused than I have in a while.  Not getting swayed one way or another.  New coffee Mr. Kerri bought for me yesterday on our visit to Cost Plus, something I haven’t done in a while, changing the mood and modality of this new MM.  Writing only, no visions of music making or photog (truly the only tempts, anymore).

Coffee finally working.  Waking up.  No more of that Sunday sludge I felt, grabbing my phone to see the time and saying OH SHIT, 9-something.  Actually I’m not waiting for EOD for a run.  I’m driving out to Bodega and will run wherever and however I can.

Found a trail, or path.  “Bodega Head”.  May be restrictions due to covid, but I’ll figure something out.  Run wherever I can. 

Mood returns, but I have to laugh… nothing I can do.  Wednesday they’re saying 76 degrees, Dad says.  Perfect running weather.  People say we need rain.  I don’t. I need warmer weather, I need vacation weather.

10:07

Second cup.  Leaving in about 30, maybe a little more.  Looking at this new cup.  The color and texture and how it looks on the glass of this Nook office table.  And why am I capitalizing ‘Nook’.  Why not?  Capitalization and punctuation are only conceptual, they’re ideas.  The cup delineating a new writing dimension and question, focus on pat and how I here arrived, everything in between and on the side.

More money into jar, $8, and receipts from yesterday entered. Never getting behind as I was yesterday and how underwater and paper-pummeled I felt.  Not today.  Getting away from those thoughts and thinking about the run by the beach… a running book.  What happened to that project, “Holy Contour, a running declaration”? Distractions as usual.  Running, running… not all runs have to be 5+, at least not right now when I’m still trying to get back into the 8-mile lunch shape and condition and form.

Running and ll related thoughts envelop me eagerly and with bright overarching tenacity.  To Bodega Bay….   What the waves will sound like.  Will I need a sweater.  Bringing one anyway, though I probably won’t need it.  Just have to see.  

Shit, it’s 10:19.  Time teaching me lessons harshly this morning.  Getting up, sipping last, headed to kids then the Bay.

Categories
just writing

Coffee.  Of course.  Are you surprised?  Is my sarcasm obvious?

8:29 and back from quick visit, watching her prepare and set charcuterie boards then talking with her roommate about real estate, selling and buying, investing.  Interesting.  More ideas…. The day planned.  Can’t wait to see the kids, and even more eager for them to be covid negative.  They test tomorrow and I’m impatient.  But what can I do. Nothing, I know.

Still no word on Windsor house.  I’m beyond impatient.  Denise said that by 11 I should know something…. My nerves are everywhere.  All I thought about last night while at Katie’s, having such a dinner and little family party at MY house.  Soon?  Who knows. Trying not to think about it and distract myself but it’s essentially impossible.

Think about anything… Sunriver.  Going there this summer with the kids, that new waterslide park.  Running again around Circle 10 and the others close by.  Getting in a run today before the drive out to Sebastopol at 3.

Then I think – ONE THING.  That I want.  TODAY.  Aside from seeing my babies which is by far the most important… just one thing for me.  What is it.  No idea.  There’s no ‘thing’ that I want, and I think much of that extends from being a writer.  Though, I do want to look for — no.  Never mind.  Thought about Sur La Table, walking and looking at stuff for the house, but I don’t have the house and I could browse online, right?

Running.. HEALTH.  Yes, a run today, not on tread.  Somewhere new.  Like….  Where.  Of course overthinking this as I always do.  Won’t have time to get out to Bodega I don’t think.  See kids at 11, leave around noon maybe, go to comic book store for Jackie for his Pokemon cards that I promised.. will have to bring those back here ‘cause I don’t want them sitting in the car tempting thieves or snatch-n-grab assholes.

Lost my thought’s train and vein.  Where was I going.  Where AM I going in the day.  Run on tread, it’s easiest.  Run in Bodega tomorrow, see kids on way back.  Done, decided, moving on.

Couple work things to do today, later of course… no idea what I’m writing.  I’m bored with my own types and lines as I’m sure you are.  Maybe I should go back to bed.  This coffee isn’t as strong as I thought, and I’m sipping slow.  So why not.

Trying to think too much like an adult.  Planning shit, what I’m doing at this hour, enter the receipts into Quicken (which I really should do this morning)… that’s my problem.  Too much fixation on expectation and standards, definitions and perception.

9:32am

Oh my god that took FOREVER.  Receipts entered, budget done, now I can somewhat relax.  Here on, do all receipts at EOD.  Have every expense be a story, like the cards I’m buying Jackie later, and the running gifts I’m thinking of getting myself later… what makes me buy that, and who, what’s the hoped-for result.  What I’m thinking about and thought about entering all the Starbucks and dining receipts.  Making me more mindful I guess of what I spend, how many dollars go here and there.

Still nothing from agent.  Feel like texting her just to know, whatever her response.  If I didn’t get it, well… fuck, okay, onto the next search which I would rather do anything else than have to do but whatever.  “Good morning.  Any word?” Just texted.  Part of me is scared to learn I didn’t get it or someone “outbid” me, the other just wants to get it over with.  This isn’t fun or exciting anymore, if I can be honest.  House hunting.

Not ready to post to blog.  Still no response from real estate agent.  Now I’m just annoyed, honestly.  Focus on the kids, and not just for this.  For everything.  Asking myself what I want to do today, what I want from the day and I’m inconclusive, indecisive… nothing comes to any kind of mind.  No materialization or provocation for actualization.  Hmmmm…. What does this suggest.  No idea.  No ideation.  No ideality.  Weird.

Categories
Health/Wellness

2/4/22

Rose this morning feeling more than motivated and focused on what I need be.  Coffee from Oliver’s first thing, thanks to someone embodying kindness in ways I’m simply not used to.  In Nook office, and leaving for HQ in a bit.  The comical cold calls.  I’ll be honest, I’m excited about them this morning.  Just getting on the phone and seeing what happens and not caring.

Find out about the Windsor house today.  Offers are due by two I believe.  Be in the AE story, Mike… nothing you can do about the house right now, or really at all.  Out of my hands.

Forcing self to switch subjects.  Enjoying my coffee and my Friday removing, looking forward to seeing my sister on her whatever-th birthday.  Happiness… building my new definition and understanding.

10:06

Thinking about curriculum for this AE life…. And not so much selling or repping tech and telecom, but being truly About EVERYTHING.  Minimizing anger, actually completely letting it go, nullifying its definitions in all worlds and respects.

More than just prospecting… but using everything to get to where you want to be.  My aim last year, with everything I was going through and in many respects still am, making President’s Club and beating quota.  Same will transpire this year then I need to have #prospectesk be heard and felt in the tech and business communities…

Quarterly meeting today.  DoorDash cash burning a hole in my pocket, ha ha….  Planning on being back at house at 12.  Actually before… 11:30.  Settled.

10:21

‘Nother coffee.  Redirecting my focus in the AE story, in terms of the technology I speak and sell.  Forcing self to become obsessed with fiber-optic connectivity and what Sonic is and represents, connecting everything in new ways.  Going to find something now… looking for a business in Redwood City… downtown where I’m almost certain there’s fiber.

Guy in the room behind me on a call and telling stories, training, training through stories… talking about belief in one’s self and remarks to people he’s training.

Categories
autre

2:42

Haircut, lunch when home, double espresso then shower.  Couple things I want to do in the AE story then may call the day a bit early.  And why not, it’s slowed.  No motion except for these type and the consent inner flicker of light.  New ideas business and images of this house.

Liberation from anything noosing me.  Anything, anyone.

CNN on in the background.  Makes me think of Tom.  Foreman.  I owe him a call.  Maybe tomorrow night, I’ll text him or message him on IG.  Sure he’s busy with the midterms coming up and the January 6th investigation and who knows what else.  Busy guy, no denying.  That’s something I should reread, his book.  Especially with this running revival in the New Mike Madigan manuscript.

Categories
Health/Wellness

My sister’s birthday tomorrow.  Going over for dinner, I believe.

11:06, writing break.  Submitted contract and communicated pricing and will probably get out another contract later, tomorrow morning at the latest.  And then possibly another one of those small measly ones.

Rand 5.25 miles this morning, finishing just before 9:30 I think.  Latte is breakfast and lunch, and I start the day strong.  Going again tomorrow morning, vowed.

Dinner reservation, 7:30 tonight.  When was the last time I was there….  Can’t remember.  Best day of the week so far, pushing aside all nihilism and nay-saying trots.  From anyone.  ESPECIALLY MYSELF.  So note.. that was not a shot at ANYONE, but ME.

11:18

Thinking a shower in a bit, then heading to HQ.  Need this writing break right now.  What am I thinking about… running.  The half-marathon in Napa, next month.  Oh shit, when in March is it?

Seems like the day is already slowing down. Odd, but welcomed.

So quiet… should I be worried?  STOP BEING NEGATIVE, MIKE.  

Yes…. Getting up, stretching.

Back from stitch and walk to room I’m staying in, aggrandizing self and sight in this chair, the Nook office, morning different.  Character analysis of THIS character juxtaposed to the first three days of the workweek.  No sure I have any firm conclusions or theses, understandings…

The self-rankle is the issue, and what to do with it, how to thwart to deter, or pervasively extinguish.  Importance of this self-talk pillar, enacted this morning with shooting from the sheets and into running persona.  Didn’t get the mile count I wanted but after yesterday’s horrible 1.52 this morning was trophy-worthy.

Mood and mental health, a business… like what Arianna Huffington does with ThriveGlobal.  I don’t know… in deconstructive curve and composition this morning.  Thinking of everything, everything I’ve done and where I am and how I arrived.. looking at calendar and see the recurring Thursday block of OFFICE HOURS, from 5-7.  Still don’t miss “teaching”.  Grading papers, dealing with student excuses, all of it.  The department bullshit and calling me last-minute to teach a section of 1A or B or 5. No… no more.  Now I get to WRITE.  Creative… blog for my life and that’s just what I’m doing.

Old quit I used in class one time, shared with students, from Ralph Ellison – “When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.” Feeling after the run, and now in the office here after the contract landed.

How old will she be, my sister?  Not sure I should say ONBLOG.  May piss her off.  Still though, celebrating one of my favorite humans EVER.  Her winemaking career is the level and intensity of production and recognition that anyone in ANY field would want.  More than admire her or merely wanting to mimic or replicate.

12:15

Just helped Dad put up this bird box at the end of a long and heavy I believe steel pole.  Was tricking standing it up against one of the fence stakes but we did it.  I watched him use zip-ties and then these metal or steel hastening things.  Would love a bird box in the Windsor house, if I get it.  I find out tomorrow, possibly.  Just checked in with my agent to see if she’s heard anything.

I keep thinking about that house and any place I end up in.  My writing base, for the next 10+ years or longer, who knows.  I want to keep it not so much minimalist but spacious and free…. Uncluttered and unencumbered.

Sparkling water.  That sounds amazing.  As does a shower.  Nap?  Maybe….  Or coffee.  Keep going, keep the music alive and aloft.

Categories
Health/Wellness

2/2/22

Not much writing done yesterday.  So behind on word aim it’s not even worth mentioning.

Sending out a good-sized contract later, have a call with a prospect.  Haven’t heard back on small contract I sent out.  May work at coLAB again today.  Want to stay out in the Field and out of the house as much as possible.

8:55

Leads group this morning, uneventful but gave me a couple ideas.  Tired this morning, and not sure why.  Think I got good sleep, didn’t I?  Remember waking a couple times, and this morning right before six and realizing I had about 45 minutes left of sleep and I think I was just in and out.  Never totally asleep.

Don’t care.  Have time to sleep when I’m dead.  Isn’t that what people say?  So happy to not be teaching this semester.  First in years where I haven’t, and I am indifferent.

Run yesterday was utterly failed, just getting over 1.5 miles.  Lower back started to hurt and I was tired from the drive to and from SF, and just not in the mood.

Will drive to San Rafael after 9:30 call.  Walk around downtown and see what happens.  If anything, somewhere to write, maybe start reading some of the Sedaris book.  To be out, walking around…. May leave laptop here at HQ.  The thought of someone breaking into the Prius doesn’t bother me at all, but having a laptop stolen, well, ruins me.

Focusing on SELF this morning, talking to self and leaving any pessimism behind me.  Same with pessimistic or outwardly and obviously negative people.  In conference room, makeshift office at HQ.  Business escalating. Keep prospecting, I tell myself.  Be a prospecting ANIMAL like the Director called you when you started.  Certain concerns not addressed right now.

Life of late like a ziggurat, steps and more steps.  When do I reach the landing, or even surface.  Enjoy the steps, each stair stepped on.  Attempt at “coaching” self and I hate that goddamn word as you probably know.  Spinning head, unsure of what’s next to be said.

Someone knocks on window far too hard to get my attention instead startling me a bit.  Person wanting to talk, she was carrying a shovel and I asked if she were looking for the lost Dutchman’s gold.  No, she answered unamused, giving it to someone who needs it, someone who’s house-poor.  Okay, I said, indicating I need to get back to it.  And we parted.

Story telling me I need get out of the office.  First, the call….  9:13 now, so in 17 minutes.  Sipping second cup, coffee for me more what a shock.

9:21am

Call in 9.  Bored… what do I do to the day to make it, I don’t know.. different somehow.  Drive to Petaluma, or San Rafael.  Somewhere.  Get out of the office.  Go have breakfast somewhere.  Thinking now maybe stay here in Santa Rosa, go walk around those two buildings.  Walk in and say hi, simple.

Categories
Health/Wellness

2/1/22

8:26am

Ready for drive to city for site visit.  Need get out another piddly contract.  $200 MRC, don’t even want to think about it.  So I won’t.

Meeting with realtor on Windsor house, then driving to the city for a site visit for a potential contract not as bullshit-ish as the aforementioned.  Love that word – AFOREMENTIONED.  Looks even better in caps, sounds better too, in my head.

Already back and forth between laptops.  Morning promising a better day than yesterday, but that was completely my doing.  Mood and how I didn’t just detach as I said I should.  Today, different.

Driving across the Golden Gate.  When was the last time.  No idea.  Running when back from appointment, which should be, around…. 4 maybe?  Missed my 4 miles yesterday, so today must be 6.  SLOW.

$40 cash in J4H.  If I don’t get this one…. Jesus, don’t know.

New month.  Sister’s birthday  in three days.  Year passing me.  No time to be delicate or edit or think or measure.  BE drawing, cutting, writing, singing.

Should get out small bullshit contract, be done with it.  May have some breakfast, can you believe it?  Some of the kids’ waffles.  

Don’t tell them.