Tag: strength

Categories
just writing

(100 words, Table 4)

Internet here fucking sucks.  Trying to upload pic getting in way of writing and posting to BDX so I said fuck it.  Posting anyway.

Remember one time my sister, a winemaker, told me not to curse on blog….  Laugh about it now like I did then.  My sister, a winemaker, once telling me she hated writing, giving me a writer writing advice.  No disrespect or slander on my lovely and amazing sis… just a random memory making me laugh on this somewhat bland morning.

Shit, forgot to bring a lunch.  Great.  Do have those two granola bars in backpack.  Lunch!

Categories
just writing

(100 words, Table 3)

Asking myself what David Sedaris would do.  In my situation with… you know.  And other shit.  Like today in the tasting room and getting old and possibly a new relationship, travel, wine, running, waking up earlier…. I follow his instruction of journal writing obviously, but I did that before really following his work.

Not letting self get bored today, and even I do I can write that.  No mood to taste through my friends wines.  Does that make me an asshole?  Kind of, yeah.

Latte done and I’m so caffeinated I want to fight Mike Tyson. Kidding, very much kidding.

Categories
just writing

(100 words, Table 2)

Set up..  Oh, have to turn around sign.  Don’t expect a busy day.  Hope it isn’t.  Want to relax, listen to music, walk around square for “lunch”.

Looking for new music for day, chill but still with percussion, rhythm, true BEAT.

Focus on SELF, new Happiness definition.  At this table, recognizing the possibilities in everything.  How mood is manuscript and it can be RE-WRITTEN.  You don’t have to repeat the voice of others, or even have it playing.

Beginning of day, predictable peace.  Want time to slow for me.  ME.  Deft its natural order and composition.

Hovering in Zen.

Categories
autre

this morning

9:54 and wondering when I should leave for the TR.  Already that time.  That was quick.  For some reason I thought I’d have at least an hour to write here.  Guess not.  I suck at math.

I blank.  I am a blank.  Can’t think of anything outside this Peet’s shop, location on Broadway.  That’s where I need stay.  Older couple sitting in chairs to my right, against the window.  Time reminder.. do everything I want and love, be more AE than I’ve ver been.  And not only with Sonic, in fact less with the AE role but more immediately LIFE, where I am and what I’m doing.

Thinking this way makes me miss the classroom, the students, some with whom I’m still in touch-and-go contact, and others not seen since.  Still dream of teaching nonfiction oat Stanford.  One day… has to happen.

Checked word count, how am I already there.  Lady, also older, against wall to left small table with window, on her phone.  Who is she texting, where did she come from, what does she do typically on her Sundays.  None of the characters I need know extensively or even minutely.  They remind me I’m here…

Categories
just writing

Behind on word count quota progress.  

Oh well.  What can I do?  Have to do math, come up with some plan.  Center on one thing and obviously that’s the AE story and books succession.

Mind out of that for a minute, replaying yesterday in Petaluma with Chris, he a native and giving me a tour of old parts and showing where certain doors used to be – Chicago Pizza for one, the doors on the side that are no longer there and the steps that supposedly went up so patrons could engage in brothel appointments.

Tasted briefly at two small rooms on Blvd.  Again nothing extended like we used to.  Goal was to keep day calm, contained.  Which we did.

No Starbucks this morning.  Espresso and coffee only.  Spent a little more than I wanted to yesterday, especially with the gifts I got the kids at that used video game store/mini-arcade.  Saw the Pokemon characters in the window and had to go in, check it out for Jack most especially.

Only 8:07, all showered and dressed, ready for day.  Should I leave early, go write at the Peet’s on Broadway, or the new Starbucks here on 12 assuming the lobby isn’t closed?  Think I will—  but wait, am I abstaining from sbux this morning or not.  No idea.  Go with the flow, Mikey.

Peet’s.  My decision.  The early drive, might take vineyard shots in the one lot just on the right after Deerfield.  The Pagani Ranch, I think it’s called.  Soon these mornings will be in a house, or townhome.  Hopefully this most recent Windsor spot.  Quiet on the cul-de-sac, coffee and typing at the kitchen bar counter – Composition.  SELF.  Mental architecture new.

January 30th.  2022.  How did that happen.  Month passing faster than… no time to focus on that.  We have a quota with which to war.  Contract to architect in Berkeley first thing tomorrow morning, then walk in territory with AE buddy David.  Run first.  Bed early tonight… Kerri going for a 6-mile train run with a friend of hers this morning and I feel failed.  Tomorrow, this coming week… that stops.  The day might look something like this – 

5AM:  Wake

5:15-6:30:  Run (slow pace, no mile target)

6:45-7:45:  AE writing…. #prospectesk and BDX blogs

8-8:30:  Shower and ready

8:45-12:45:  Looking for new business, start conversations

1-2pm:  Break

2-3:  New business search continued …

3-5:  Day’s notes, LinkedIn, start next day

@@$$^^**

Just an idea of what the day could look like.  Not etched in any stone or wrong or burned into some metal.  Espresso done and thinking of what I want to happen in my 6 or 7 hours in the tasting room.  See more of what you want BDX to say and be… #prospectesk, notes to self but more than that, About EVERYTHING and certainly more than sales.

Thought yesterday while talking to the owner and winemaker of Black Knight— distracted by the thoughts for a second and wandered but now back.  She made me think of life’s work, and what I want people to associate with me.  WRITING… why I was a bit unnerved when my old friend Troy on Friday night didn’t immediately associate me with writing, or wondered why I would think the answer to his question wasn’t writer instead of photog, and vice versa.  I thought writer would be too obvious, but he didn’t.  I don’t know, bothered me and it should’ve.

Listening to a Thievery Coffeeshop mix I found a few weeks ago.  Can’t find it on Spotify so… playing through YouTube—  Interrupted by Ads..  GODDAMNIT.  Back to Spotify.  Need more espresso… single shot.  Then ready for leave.  Hard to take myself ‘way from this track, Land & Sea by Emancipator and someone else.  Love his tone and composition pattern through his tracks.

BDX… seeing the office, maybe in the garage of a new house, park outside.  Taking on a sales and marketing arm or creative contours somehow.  Ideas landing as they often do in the morning, now.  Need that third shot to keep up with them. – Domain registration… hmmm… looking at another.

Found one, a domain I just thought of.  Available.  Not buying now.  Saving this project for tasting room work.  Domain reg, marketing and sales, PR and blogging, creative, publishing… About EVERYTHING.  That’s what BDX is.  Not just one intention or thing.  Nothing wrong with singularity, me still standing by the year’s modality of ‘consolidation, simplification, singularization’.  BDX is singular, but as well anything but.  The contraction has value and vivacity that only now I’m seeing.

Third shot finally made and feel like I shouldn’t have.  The first two shots singing to me and making me sing across this laptop’s keys.  Aside from dreams of a company, small business thoughts of a counter and coffee being made, I realize where I am.  That I’m alive.  That happiness is near and ever-attainable.  It’s not some puzzle or mood-geometric anomaly.  Push certain voices aside, but still observe and study. Notice their house of misery and nihilistic notes continuous.  And they call themselves positive.  Fascinating, honestly.  I decide upon smiles, smiling, thinking of my kids smiling and how I want them to see me.

8:41am

Peace.  Removing myself from the table and Nook office so I can better see and appreciate it. My health, NOW, my kids and their health.  The only importance of importances.  More than ‘a moment of clarity’.  Education… sight, connectedness.  My SE, Ditter, the other night telling me something and now all I see are possibilities, invitations.  In everything.  Can’t elaborate now, but know Sal that this is what I’m feeling.

Life, and so much of it to live— shit, that’s in this day NOW to live.  There no reason for anything other than joy, smiling, recording this.  My life’s work even more than writing is offering happiness and love, music to the world.  Not music as in a track, but… not sure.  Nothing is able to stop this new Mike Madigan draft.  The final draft.  No more revisions.  NONE.

No more sips.  Time to pack, meet the day, see what it says to this newly happy writer.

Categories
Health/Wellness

“A Walk”.  My favorite Tycho track, or one of them.  Relaxed.

Thinking about this house, but have to stop.  If it dominates my thinking and makes even one step into emotional scape the disappointment felt later could interfere with work.

Now what, I ask Self.  10:29, will be leaving more than likely in…. Who knows.

Colorado, going at some point this year.  Hopefully.  Aspen?  Boulder?  Denver?  Where.

Tired of being in the Nook and need clean it a bit.  Espresso cup, Runner’s World issue, post-it’s….  mess.

Looking at furniture, everything from writing desks to a little table where my son and I could play chess.

New story, LOVE emphasis.

Categories
Health/Wellness

9:45am

Day more or less planned.  Thinking more about BDX and me, my role in the company.  Ditter updating me last night on developments at Sonic and what that means.  All positive, all indicative of growth and new stories and character contributions.

House I looked at yesterday has to be the one, and I’m not the only of that assessment.  Looking at it again tomorrow then a decision to be made.  Windsor…. Always thought I might end up there.  Places for kids to play, candy story and restaurants they love.  That playground Emma always wants to visit…..  Not going to say ‘meant to be’, but the story certainly intended something here.

Goddamnit, again the receipts stack up.  Ignore them.  I do, or try, budget again.  Or I could just stop counting.  Letting thoughts compile and take certain shapes.  Is the camera charged?

Lattes… need stop with these.  All the money—  Don’t.  Sip, enjoy, stop counting, be with the morning, the Nook office.  Old pictures, of course most of vineyards and wine industry days, the kids.  Makes me think of when Jack was born, just starting at Kunde and what a fucking mistake that turned out to be.

Everything educating Now-ME.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Still thinking about his question.

…..

Troy.  Used to be married to my friend from the wine world, Melissa.  We instantly dove into conversation as we used to, he seeing me waiting for Ditter, “Is that Mike Madigan?  Professor Mikey?” Walked over to him, quick shake and hug and into his question.

Photography… bringing camera today to Petaluma.  Not my backpack or even journal, just the lens.

Write over on word count for last post.  Have to be count-centric but I need to be.  For BDX and other efforts.

Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts, Aurelius said.  Friend posted this in response to something I posted yesterday or the day before.  True.  Now minding everything passing the gates in my thinking.

About EVERYTHING… everything positive and loving, healthy and truthful.  Some people can’t understand this, they’re merely disabling themselves from doing so.  They’re not so much afraid of happiness but in a deformed and devalued opinion of it.

9:09am

Not letting thoughts go in a certain direction.  Latte, breakfast for Dan & Sue – well, Sue mostly as he doesn’t like the Starbucks offerings.  Getting up, wallet, leave—

Categories
Health/Wellness

Did I even post yesterday? I think maybe once.  Let me check…

Nope.  Wrote well over 1000 words but no post.  Unacceptable, if I’m to consider BDX as a publishing startup/internet company and I’m the head whatever that title may be.

Everything written and published in real time.  Espresso, quiet Nook, day to self where I think I’ll be going to Petaluma for lunch, and maybe a little tasting but nothing extended like our usual tasting mission days.  Dinner tonight with friend and her daughters and roommate.  Mexican spread that I promised from my friends’ restaurant just down Highway 12, literally a walk from here.

Ran into old friend yesterday at Mission Kitchen  & Bar, where I met Ditter for a beer and appetizer, and we got to talking and this guy who has his own tattoo shop asked me, “If you could do anything for the rest of your life and money was not an issue, what would it be?” I told him my first impulse is writing obviously, but said I didn’t want that to be my answer.  “Photography.”, I said.  Then I thought why do I keep going back to that, and why doesn’t this guy know how important writing is to me?  He knows I write, but doesn’t know that writing IS Mike Madigan.  Am I not branding myself properly?

Categories
just writing

notes

While in the shower I thought about me, 20 years ago.  Okay, so that’d be… 2002.  Was living I think with those two guys in that townhouse or condo on Camino Colegio, Rohnert Park.  Would be in San Ramon in my own place just a couple months later.  Was a nice apartment, but weird for me living in the East Bay.  Only did it to be closer to the insurance office where I worked, in San Leandro.  My god, 20 years….  Was a nice apartment at the top of Crow Canyon, water I could hear from room, made sleeping easy.

And life just went from there….  The to write it so dismissively like that, but it went by so fast I can only feel that way, I think.  This must be the exhaustion, not sleeping well and waking at 5-something barely going back to sleep then the goddamn alarm made that annoying chirp.  5 miles, when I should have just pushed to 7.  Thinking about it puts me in a mood and that’s a boon, benefit to this new runner I’m so desperate to somehow become.  

After espresso, promise I’ll leave.  You know what I’m really finding funny as I get older and I think I’ve told you this is my indecisiveness.  Sometimes I’m like FUCK, and others I think I need to capitalize and monetize this quality, especially in this New Mike Madigan post or during-divorce administration.  And yes, I see it as just that.  A new administration.  No, REGIME.  Yes… one free and carefree, somewhat care-less.  Or, entirely careless.  Wel that’s not true because if it were you wouldn’t be so bloody indecisive.  (Love the word bloody’, makes me sound smarter, or somewhat British without being British.)

Wait, why am I not working?  Why am I …