Tag: #beinlovewithyourlife

Categories
just writing

Now what.  Posted to blog, and I’m in the nook…. thinking about the kids and how much I miss them and them working at a business of mine someday.  Did I forget to log something into Quicken yesterday?  Don’t think so…. OH WAIT, gas at the College station.  Shit… will do later, take receipt out of wallet and put on table how exciting.

Oh, I guess technically it’s on Mendo’, okay….  Tired still, even after the long shower and small sips of the espresso.  Don’t think I posted it to blog yesterday but I better not be coming down with a cold, or flu, or covid, ANYTHING.  Don’t have time.

So quiet in here.  Thinking of going to Sonoma early, writing at Peet’s and if it’s crowded then just go to the TR early.  Difference, I remind myself.  Do everything different.  Starting with today.  So then, NO.  No leaving early.  Look for more houses…

But I’m exhausted from the search, not feeling the excitement today.  At all.

……..

Not sure how I arrived there, but I need freedom.  MORE freedom.  In thought, in communication and certain negotiations… when writing, journaling, building business and prospecting new accounts.

That one semester years ago where I lectured on HST’s Fear & Loathing aside other books and the dominant idea was FREEDOM, for all 18 weeks of the term.  That’s my return, that’s my NOW, here in this nook and in my newly laced and noted humor and comedic consideration of my experience and life… Anything can be found funny, and all this shit is funny to me.  At least it is this morning…

Why don’t I have a latte machine here?  Is there a such thing?  Oh, I guess I could make one with the Nespresso, right?  Yeah, but I’m too lazy.  Sticking to straight espresso…. Why am I gong on like this about caffeine and some machine that may not even exist even though I just acknowledged it does.  Why am I sounding so loopy this morning?  Do I have covid?

Categories
Health/Wellness

After Quicken meeting with Dad yesterday going for a drive stopping nowhere.

Thought about maybe getting a glass at Tips or Palooza, but didn’t want to be around humans, hear voices, have to sit uncomfortably close to someone I don’t know and then possibly worse having to talk.  So I just drove, having a glass of J Pinot Gris when finally back in Skyhawk.

Tasting room today, no messaging back certain people.  Want quiet, focus, maybe this is a mood but I don’t think so.  It’s me deciding there needs to be adjustments and as the Enterprise Sales Director says ‘calibrations’.  What those are exactly, to be determined.  No Starbucks this morning, one.  Radio silence, another… then what.  Close up semester, just close it.  Be done with it, and SRJC.  Do miss the classroom, but there weren’t any sections for me to teach anyway.  And how long should I be expect to wait and chase sections?

Onward, much onward.  Didn’t shave.  Not in the mood.  So this is me this morning, edgy, snappy, impatient.  Wondering when a Skyhawk house is going on market… or that one part of Windsor.  Be patient, be patient…. Yeah I get it.  Fuck.

Categories
autre

Leaving.  Antsy, wanting the house NOW.  Patience, I keep hearing that fucking word.

I HATE that word.  But I know it need be exercised and put into practice.  Okay…

Back from bank.  Sparkling water, looking at more houses.

Now espresso.  Inviting and enacting more whim, less measure and method… metic of meta-type thinking, but also…. The moment you’r din being art, story, content, growth ladder or magnet, something like that….

What do I want to do today, what else.  I keep asking myself this, over and over and…..

Categories
just writing

Bulb On All The Way

Didn’t hit 3000 words yesterday.  Now in nook with espresso and thoughts about this entire day, to myself…. Looking at houses, moving money around for house.  Finish an essay, post to blog or….. I need to change some facets of my written form, I know.

7:41.  Earlier than I thought I’d be up.  Tired last night and not sure why.  Maybe ‘cause I didn’t answer the tempt to nap that I felt in later afternoon after company meeting.  Distracted by phone so I put it down.  What can I get done today….. what can I do different…?  Work at a Starbucks later like it were a weekday.  Okay… and work on what..?  Not writing here, more OFFBLOG notes.

About a thousand or so past budget for one project, I think.  Startup mode…. Where’s the Paris journal?  In backpack.  Take out, use new pen my realtor gave me, write plan.  Put more cash in safe…. The house I find and secure will be the startup hub for BDX.  The garage, or small office.  I have kids so I fear the garage could be a dangerous space to have sensitive documents or any equipment.  So no, one of the three rooms.

Would love a nook like this in the new house but odds are greater such won’t happen than will.  That’s fine.  A kitchen counter like the one here, or table, or island counter will more than do.

Distracted again, posting a couple suggestions reminding people of the #professormikey brand and BDX.

Distracted again, remembering I needed to get back to a student about a grade update.  Learned yesterday that when I leave the JC I get NO payout from sick or vacation time.  Actually I think she told me faculty get no vacation?  Or adjuncts don’t?  Is that right? Seriously, I’m done.  Focusing on MY business…. #professormikey needs more love, more attention and development.  More people call me that than my name of just Mike, so…. That says something to me.  Says several things to me, not just one voice or point.

I stop typing then tell myself to get back to it, like a mean and asshole-ish manager in a tasting room.  Huh, wonder who I could be talking about….  Write about it all.  Sunriver, the mornings there and how I’d type on that couch.  All these conversations, business and other…. Getting in front of the camera more, more filming, more media.  BDX being as much a media company as a publishing body. Again, ‘About EVERYTHING’.

Lights, illumination, on all the way – I SEE, EVERYTHING.  The Kerouac quote of the blank page and being able to do whatever you want.  8:04, espresso still in little red cup but not for long.  Texting Taryn, seeing if we’re still on for 3:30 to celebrate her new assignment.  Makes me want to go back to wine, or stay part-time like I am now but with more intensity.. then why not do it?  Ten posts, to #vinovinevin, today.  On anything.  Writing, pictures, media, whatever…. But back to her and her new gig, for Wilson’s book…. On list for day, BUY WINE.  Bottle Barn, no one winery.

Posted to vvv blog, something quick.  I’m more than merely motivated this morning.  It’s something else.  It’s eagerness or hunger, or maybe fear of not getting something done before leaving the planet.  I don’t know.  Don’t need to know…

Starbucks.  Get something for self and parents, why not.  Some breakfast whatever’s…   Immediately I’m pushed by the insistence of kindness, to commit and commit TO nice and loving acts for those showing me the same.  So, up and go…

…..

Back with breakfast for them, latte for me.  8:45.  Quick poem, done.  Need another journal I thought for poetry but then cleaning out the file box I brought over from the other house I found pages devoted ONLY to verse.  More poetry, I tell self.  And angrily.  Forcefully.  What happened to you?

Morning, perfect.  More than just “beautiful out”.  Today is promising me something, many things.  All poetic, all music, all MINE.

No tasting today with Chris, his mother in town.  No plans with other characters, so all me.  This entire day.  Wow, I say to self, when was the last….

Nothing to write, nothing to record.  Looking at houses and nothing, and I mean, really, NOTHING, grabbing me or even speaking softly.  Text real estate agent, and wait.  Latte waking me more than I already was.  Time to address money moment, pay one bill, then another…. Learn to cook, I note in Paris journal as I did the 1948 pages.  In this new life, COOK MORE. Anything.  PB&J, quesadillas, sandwiches, anything… avoid those heft restaurant checks and charges.  Headed into room to count.  Bring journal.  Sip latte first.  Maybe one more short poem.  Five lines…

……..

Cash counted, headed to bank.  9:53.  My only aim is the house.  MY, house.  MY. Office.  Where the real story leaves the ground for indefinite flight.

“Sunset, 4:55…” Dad says.  “Today?” I say.  “Today, that is correct sir…” He adds.  It’s the time of year where Fall dominates everything.  Mood and movement, sentences and sensibilities.  Putting off getting in car and depositing all these bills, why.  No idea.  Thoughts of wine again, selling, pouring my wines in other states, telling stories, the kids helping.

Categories
Health/Wellness

3:31pm, need to get kids soon.

Big kids that is, little Henry staying with his mama having his little cold.

Stayed in for lunch.  Diet Coke now.  Recently started with them again.  Blame my attorney, with that goddamn fridge in the lobby and how she’s always sipping one when I visit.  And I say that humorously and with profuse affection as I’m the one who asked her for the first and afterward joked asking if she’d charge me for it.  Of course she didn’t so now we share the affinity.  

Glad I stayed in, didn’t spend money.  Money I would have spent put somewhere, toward house or wine business idea.

Day hovers with me, looks at me, assures me of the latter hours.  With the kids and after they’re picked up.  Back in this nook.  This new office space, I’m obsessed with it.  Need one identical in the new house.  Talking with my agent here just a couple hours ago has me even more hooked with the idea of properties, starting with this one and soon paying it off with BDX capital then getting another home in Santa Cruz.  Master plan if you would, for me and the babies.. business, family, HAPPINESS and principle mental…

Categories
Health/Wellness

More searching. Hungry, may get breakfast. Like what.

Startup… blog.. people… the kids… wine.  Everything yes connecting but more communicating with the neighboring idea.

Promising self a full written, HAND-WRITTEN, page today.  Paris journal.

Change in pocket.  From what.  Oh yeah, the latte.  How many more sips.  Maybe one, two…. Take one sip, then another.  It’s still alive.

Checking emails, one I missed.  Why others can’t respond to a simple email is funny and maddening, to me anyway.  What they think I couldn’t care less.  Enough of the nihilists.

11:20, and….?  I can’t write a fucking thing.  WHY.  Thinking too much, or just the act of thinking.  Why do I always do that?

Categories
Health/Wellness

Writing break, sending notes to…..

More prospecting done than I thought I’d have logged for morning.  Meeting at 1.  Latte beginning to kick in.

Change in one intention, just a slight to-the-side step.  Nothing significant, or maybe it is since I put it in a post… in any event….

Appointment set for tomorrow with Engineer and new business owned by a new friend.  Now tired.  Want to take a nap.  It’s past 11 though and I have a meeting at 1 here at the house so…. no.  Keep pounding the caffeine.

Get up, stretch.  Count money in wallet.  Check messages.  And then…

Categories
Productivity

Just need one client to start…. I’ll prospect a little today.

Need to treat myself as more of a client than author, or self-published voice.  I want to put more down on this house that I initially intended or was planned.

Wrote company name on first legal sheet.  If those are “legal sheets”.  Transferred money, more to business and house….  Quiet, sipping latte, letting thoughts revolve around my sight and immediate space.  Thinking about the 1A students, what I’ve advised and wondering if I’m following that, at all….  Self-doubt grips me this morning.  It’s fine, it’ll pass, I know.

Posted something on Facebook for the blogging practice, see if it connects.  Then I have another idea on how to get word out, or at least gather prospects.  Stop thinking about it, just embody the work I remind myself.  Speaking to self like SELF is a student, one complaining about not being able to reach past page three and their stuck and it’s hard to write about myself blah blah blahblahblah….  Staying in chair, converting this AE story to something else.  Watch, I say to Self.

9:46… already?  Time just moves as it chooses, nothing I can do but get old and try to work more.  Feeling yesterday’s five miles more than in past.  Why, ‘cause I’m old.  Stop saying that, people close to me always order and scold.  Understood…. Just know it’s in head, in thoughts, literally everyday.

Break for a second, think about texting someone but won’t.  NO.

Writing about wine… need to more, I know.  The SoCo Pinot that I had last night, St. Francis of course.  Spilled the rest out this morning since tonight I know I’ll want something different.  Like what.  May need to go shopping, hit Oliver’s.. find something small production, obscure or weird or just unknown to me and/or others.

Categories
autre

Later, wine and music. Pinot, and thoughts.

Pausing.  No need for others, just the beats, new tracks.  My sister’s Pinot is speaking with new language tonight, not sure why.  Could be my mood, could be the effect of the meeting with the director, his compliments, encouraging me further to do it different as an AE – About EVERYTHING.  Want to give my babies more than just a life, or even the best life – something unusual.  A bright plain of promise for all three – Little Kerouac, Miss Austin, Henny Penny…

No poetry put to page since earlier…. No sure what to note tonight, I’m in too much meditation and inner-mediation.. huh, what award given the time, times..

Another sip for the professor.

Categories
Health/Wellness

New office, nook.

Espresso made of course and I have a client issue to address but not now, not yet.  Auditing calendar first… this week and next.  OH, wait.. WHAT?  Next week is Thanksgiving?  No…..

Yes.  It is.  Ugh… then the countdown to xmas, and the New Year or “Happy New Year” as Jackie always calls it.  Not New Year’s or New Year’s Day, just Happy New Year.  That’s the name of the day.

I will run today.  Putting on calendar, 11am leave for gym.  Hoping for an hour run, but more than likely will just break 30 because I’m so out of it.  Surprised how well I did on the Sunriver runs weeks ago.

Idea of therapy hops in my head.  Self-talk, written self-talk and therapy.  Not going to “see someone”, but talk to self.  What is it you want… what are you doing and are you happy doing it – HOW DID YOU GET THERE.

All this swirling and circling in the writer’s head.  The espresso is strong, and not letting me slow, not letting certain voices near anything Mike Madigan….

Just read something on business, realizing mentality and end-aims.  May work offsite actually, now that I think about it.  Go to the office, or force self to stay here – that may be the more sensible step.  Really what it is, I don’t want to deal with some people and their ridiculous gripes.  Just want to write today, run, come back from gym and shower write a little more and maybe nap for a bit.

Dan and Sue leaving for the peninsula to see some family friends, so the house quiet.  Not that they’re NOT quiet, and I am in their house during all this separation and divorce shit, so I’m not grieving.  Just noting a certainty, the house will be all mine and I need to force self to use it and not be lazy or complacent.

Look at cash in wallet, forgot I hit ATM before 3rd Street yesterday.  Okay…. So?  No idea.  Here in the nook, looking at clock, slowing in espresso sips… thinking about my life, tech, blogging, startup ideas, the About EVERYTHING presence… then what.

How long do I want to be doing the AE thing…?  No idea.

Read the email and it’s addressing something technical which my SE would need to touch.  Interesting I still find it, all of it, the Enterprise Sales Division and how it works – departments within the department, then squads and more specialized squads….  BDX will do the same, I’m thinking.  As soon as I figure out what BDX is.  Marketing, Sales, Publishing, Media… then what.  Wine, Health and Fitness, WAKING EARLIER (nudge, nudge Mikey….), Mental Health.

Me, a writer on my own publishing body.  BDX is About EVERYTHING, I know.  But, the exact form. Maybe there is no exact form.  “Exact form”, what the fuck is that?…. What does that mean?  I don’t know, and honestly I don’t want to know.  I know what Bottledaux represents… TRUTH.  An honest place.  Maybe I am seeing the form form itself in front of me.

Open calendar, put today’s gym visit into time province, then message friend about lunch next week, Tuesday.

Unhooking all negativity, angst, stress and worry, overthought, anything like that.  Celebrating the moment I’m in… this blog, what it’ll become.  The pictures I’m now scrolling through of vineyards and my kids, my parents, wine bottles and glasses with wine in them.. HAPPINESS.  Not what it “looks like” like some want to provocatively post, but ACTUALLY IS.  Denotation, connotation…. Tuesday, my favorite day of late, since this all started.  Not sure why.  Maybe the “Tuesday Truth” thing…

Emailed students while work emails were landing.  Might as well take a peak….

Done.  Now what… Build conversation for 2022…. Post something.  Post something else.  Objective is to reach a place where I hardly ever have to prospect…. I’m focusing too much on that, the word and concept of prospecting… NO MORE.

Espresso done, tempted to get a latte.  Sounds delightful honestly, but don’t want to spend money.  Want the house.. the house I saw yesterday – Well, the second one.  The little studio in the back just called to me with a sharp heart and hone.  I’ll be there soon, and if not there then some structure similar.  Have to be patient, I know, but I’m not.  Ever.

Emailing a prospect in a bit, will wait till after 9.  A latte sounds better and better the more I think about it, but not letting self.  Will make another double espresso and sip slower than with first.  The espresso tradition with me— OH, need to get more of those Nespresso pods.  It’s crucial, it’s needed, it’s ME now.  Like writing from memory, the kids over the weekend and Jack with all his questions, Emma looking at that disgusting potato bug with Dad like she were a scientist.  Never seen her so enveloped in something, so interested and analytical.  Henry with his little sniffles, Jack only wanting to play catch or do something with me. Miss them.  Don’t see them enough, wonder why.  Not going there, not in this entry or any other.  OFFBLOG for that, the book… the long-awaited statement.  MINE.

8:54, another email.  Not important.  Communicating this pricing is, though.  So…. Onto it.  What do I do with the Now, before sending this pricing, I ask myself.  The magic of the meta, I’m always speaking to that.  What is it.  What is right here, in this nook, this new office, with me.  The AE story, an empty little cup, two phones, multiple journals, ME.  The Mike Madigan story and scene.

Need caffeine.