Tag: Mental Strength

…..

Didn’t sleep well, and now sipping quick the espresso.  

Settle in, I tell myself.  Don’t rush… get to know the day.  House to myself, and ZEN.

Not letting some people and their negative notes in my head, PERIOD.

Trying to get in AE character, near impossible.  Should I call out today, take a self-care separation?  Maybe….

Espresso, quiet, sound of heater on.  Thinking of the couple that came in yesterday, both had a couple glasses and we talked about marketing and career moves, possibilities… the pandemic and what that’s done to work.  Still thinking about it, and me in this sales role and how this year has been stressful and more or less unpleasant frankly.

8:49

Here I am.  What can I do differently…. Types of businesses I go after?  The location of businesses, WHAT?

Still haven’t done landing page for AED.  Not my morning… this fucking mood.  Maybe more caffeine would help.  Like a Diet Coke instead of coffee or espresso.  Try that…

Open, Tycho playing… AE friend David asking about the house hunt.  Don’t want to talk about it.  Yes another cloud of stress circling my head and preying on my nerves.  No idea what to do.

Stop thinking this way, for one.

Restarting the AE laptop.  Going to email every lawyer, CPA, and private practice dentist in the Bay Area.  I don’t care if they’re in our fiber footprint, AT ALL.  Make contact, start a conversation—

I’m overthinking this, tremendously.  So I stop myself in my own beat.  STOP—

Diet Coke helping, I guess.  Call with an IT guy in 13 minutes… total waste of time, I’m sure.  Like many of them are.  Why do I put these on the calendar, EVER.

10:29

Couple calls.  The IT chap wasn’t the waste I anticipated.  Re-opened site I’m designing—  OH, that reminds me… that lead from the Social Media consultant friend of mine.  SHIT.  Will call her after I post this…. Could be my first client.  Hoping.  Everything off radar, for now.  Necessity, invention, production, COMPOSITION.

Mood elevating, feeling better, and yes I credit the Diet Coke and my attorney for getting me addicted.

Dinner tonight.. what.  Shit.. have to figure out something.  Simulation for when I have the Mikey Writer Base.  May just snack a little, or make a quesadilla, something simple.  The elimination of Starbucks or Peet’s and dining out has been a game-changer in terms of budget and funds avaihalbe.  Speaking of, budget…

10:35

Stalled.  Rest of day planned… my vision, the story I see for me and this blog, business, wine, running, me and the kids, whatever house… re-drawing, revising.

Too quiet in this house.  Would go for a drive, but where and to do what.

Need a singular road – and that’s this AED idea.  Working tonight on it, no fail.  Early dinner then back to work.

2:53

Couple new leads, all law offices I think. Soaking of, email from my attorney but not letting it move me one way or another.  Some people are just, well, some people.  Moving on, and back into the AE story which is especially quiet for a Monday.  The story of late, seriously…

Going to the story in a sec, to get out of the house.  Get dinner, maybe a salad, then back here and possibly end the day early.  Staying in chair, all night.

Okay, maybe not all night, but till 11 at least.

…..

Back from store.  Have dinner for tonight, and I’m in.  Nearly done for the day.  Assignments for tonight – budgeting, new business, writing… EVERYTHING.  I know the problem, thinking excessively and obstructing self excessively.  Enough… think jazz, music, freed style and sense, sight and walk.  No matter who’s talking.  Ignore them, even if it’s someone you more or less like.

More music to the writing.. and more breaks.  Don’t pressure self to write and be in the chair thinking you have to slap the keys for hours and no ease.

Breaking, watch news.  Another Diet Coke.

4:59

Watching the news and still covid Covid COVID.  It’s like a sticker that one of my kids stuck on the side of a dresser when I wasn’t looking but one I day I walk by and am like, “…the fuck?” Rain maybe, crime in the East Bay.

Finally in the sales mood, and selling myself on comedic consideration of EVERYTHING.  Sales and this quota, how I’m going after law offices because they have money and can afford Enterprise technology at least in my mind but they’re all dicks except for my attorney…. The irony isn’t irony or contradiction, just a beautiful understanding and humorous consideration convenient to me and where I am on this Monday.

Back to the news.. and some white wine. One of my sister’s slutty, couger-y Chardonnays.  Any here?  Let me check…

6:57

Dinner done, in Nook with some Caddis Better Together.  Probably my favorite blend of Chris’.  Thinking of my notes, the one on National Nap Day.  Yes, that’s real, and it was today, so I don’t feel so bad.  Easy to sell myself on that.

Selling, sales… so much funny shit in that reality.  Someone choosing to do sales for a living.  Yes, like me.  Finally in day’s remains hours I’m here I need be.

Music documentary, why not.  Don’t want to force myself to write, and that’s what I feel the inner-inclination is raising and taunting.  Where I am.. all music.  Thinking about the messages, an this obvious.. I shouldn’t say this, or that—  In fact, just shut your mouth Mikey.

What if I don’t?  I mean, at this point, what can they do?

HENCE…. Me now.  Where I am and how I’m writing.  Humor in this.  I don’t take any of it seriously.  How can I, when some people have such obvious intentions to hurt me or mince my character… one minute crucifying me then calling me a “good dad”, and how the kids love me.

The silence is ending.  Thanks to one human in my crew, and the talk the other day.  Urging me to unload, risk “trouble”.

Your glasses fogging?

Espresso, quiet before leaving for Caddis.  The visit to Lancaster yesterday, saddening me but proving what I’m starting to realize, I mean REALLY realize and hold as some life and literary law – people will always change; nothing remains for long; the love and the delusion are temporary.

Lancaster is different, and I think I’m done with that story forever now.  Prices going up, to a point they certain do not justify, and the people there… not what it was when Taryn and I and others were behind the bar.  One person there yesterday from our old crew but she too is different, and not as into the Lancaster stage as she was when the old crew was truth.

It’s wine and people.  There is always change, some shift.  And yes, in the way that I have been using ‘shift’ since late June of ’21.

Thinking about my kids as soon as I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the phone’s screen.  Someone from the old neighborhood trying to call me at 3-something?  Obvious a drinking night or something for them. Me under sheets early, thinking about stories from the wine industry and what it instructs… my tasting room days, tasting weekends with Chris or by myself a couple times since this new life started.  The Starmont Cab I opened last night while working here in the Nook, on documents and having a late espresso thinking I was done with wine but then thought “No, I want to know this character more, so one more pour.” Then a bowl of fruit for final cap.

Arista Winery, 2015… tasting Pinots I’ve never had before.  Both single-vineyard and AVA blends.  Was never really much a Pinot bloke, but the longer I stayed there I became one.  And if not a “Pinot guy” then definitely a lover of the ways it can be translated.  I don’t know… wine and I continue to change in our connectivity.  So where do I go from here?

Well, tell you where I need be… in the Caddis tasting room in about 90 minutes.  Leaving after this paragraph…. My daughter, showing a change of demeanor and attitude yesterday and the night before.  Not sure why….  Not the kind of change I was referencing earlier, but different.  Wonder what it is. Maybe me, maybe my perception.

Healdsburg yesterday feeling different as well. Must be me.  Just crossing Matheson to get to the Grill, I don’t know it was not the like-sensation I remember.  Burger was great, which I never order anymore.  Usually it’s that Gyro Salad.  So it is me…. I changed. I’m changing.  But how.  Trying to note it all… my cynicism in some cases which can be seen as justified.  My worry which often is not.

Me not having had a Starbucks or Peet’s in weeks.  That’s going to change though, this morning.  Soon as I get to Sonoma, my 3-shot latte from the Broadway store.  Was going to write something but saving for OFFBLOG, the book whenever that’s done.  See—  Nope, not following through.  I see—  Almost did it again.

Too much on mind, even before I left he bed with little Henry.  The house, budget, the new business ideas… quota, the AE story, going to Lancaster today with Chris… lunch after or before.  Just all these thoughts and scheduling items graphed in head.  Anxiety in an electrical storm fashion.  Talked to self, just forget it…. Don’t pay it anymore attention or mind, focus or priority.

Now in Nook…. Tonight will be the night I do it, up late writing and working, going through old images, wine or other.  Playing in ideas, when it’s quiet.  Totally quiet.  Definitive sound void.  No humans, adult, kid, or littler.  NOTHING.

…..

Again the date looking weird.  Going to office in a bit, after this post..  

Didn’t make landing page last night like I wanted.  Hoping later in the day before getting kids.

One cup, then leaving.  Running tomorrow, think around here.  After kids are gone of course….  Running, telling myself this morning I’m only writing about that going forward.  AGAIN.

Could run today, a quick 5k then go get Henry and the big kids.  I know the obstruction, the single force… not giving it any presence on page.  No need to.  That validates it.  So I move on, into the coffee and into cold calls I’ll make in a bit.  Not stressing about quota, won’t let myself especially after Jimmy yesterday over a beer telling me stories of when he worked for AT&T and he would lose sleep over submitting orders and how they were processed.  Then a friend of his who retired and did well for himself but not before battling several health matters as a result of the stress.  Including a heart attack.

Not me.  I’m doing my best, I’m sending emails and prospecting as I should and nothing’s happening right now.  Changing topic back to running.  Want to see how many days in a row I can hold the 5k minimum.  Today, tomorrow… Sunday before I leave for Caddis, then if I could run in morning early, and I mean early.

Allergies this morning.  Hate them, more than most things honestly.  Quick shot of espresso after this cup and blog post then out door.  Another note for ‘AE, designed’, arrangement and argument, arrangement OF argument.  What is your statement… what do you want your readers walking away with, what do you want them learning?  Brings me back to Composition and teaching it at SRJC.  The students and their essays and me encouraging them to make the argument more aggressive and borderline boastful.

Starting with myself… these morning entries and coffees, thoughts of my own place and doing the same when FINALLY there.  How will it look, what will writing be like there?  8:41, gotta go…. Sip coffee, take shot of espresso, or have coffee at office, as mediocre as it’s tasted of late.  That’s what I’ll do.  No more Starbucks, but I honestly can’t even remember the last one I had.  Did I go at all this week?  Last evidence of a visit that I can find is 3/1.  Huh…..

Just touched site for AED a bit.  Just a couple things.  Okay, seriously, I have to leave….  Don’t forget about budget, I remind myself.  Take receipts with you…