Tag: Mental Strength

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Slept in a bit.  Alarm for 8:45 but was out from

sheets and pillow at 8:20-something I believe.  Quick meditation, then get laundry from its area.  Still not done, but with clothes for day.  Make coffee, in shower, now some time in Nook. Rain not yet arrived.  Craving latte, some time at the Peet’s on Broadway.

Thinking about the week ahead, Quota, finally seeing my kids. FINALLY.

On drive to Sonoma, book reading only.  Thinking either Sedaris, or something else… like who.  Who do I see myself as today?  Kerouac, no doubt.  My own beat and form of poetics, disembodied or not.  Together here with new composition and conviction…. Conviction in what.  Good question.  Writing in the morning like I always do?  NO.

That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.. break pattern and habit.  Do shit differently.

How I want to be remembered…. I know, not the most happy and exciting of topics, but I’ve noticed on World News on whatever channel when someone famous dies the cut to an old interview where they’re asked how they want to be remembered….

So… do I have an answer?

No, not yet.  Give me a bit on this one.

Noticed lately I’ve been nervous, angry, in a mood, self-doubting.  That’s the problem, and the solve is…. To not.

That simple?

Yes.  Just flipping that switch.  Like me reacting to some people and their goddamn mood swings (like I’m one to talk).  Just, now, not.

They’ll be short and hardened one scene, then the next texting you something meant to be humorous and you’re like, “Where the fuck is this coming from?  The same person?”

Coffee is like a spirit to me.  A “spirit animal”… not sure how, but that sounds layered and nebulous enough to have to mean something….  Laughing at my Quota stress, and how I keep capitalizing ‘quota’.  No more caps, it doesn’t deserve that attention, not anymore.

Realizing I want to be a weatherman.  Seriously….  It’s still not raining, and what happens to them.  They can miss the mark and not make their quota for as many times as possible and… nothing.  No talking-to, no write-up, no re-training.  The best job imaginable… go on screen, point at stuff, use some multi-syllabic words and phrases and compounded-compound words and terms from a text book, and there you are.  The one people look to. 

I swear, PERFECT.

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autre

3/26/22 ::: 7:30am

……..

Could’t sleep.  Haven’t looked at account ‘cause it’s only going to further infuriate me.  No idea what I’m doing today.  Thought about driving to the Square, but no.  Don’t want to be trapped in the house all day, so I have to think of something.  Something that doesn’t cost, well, anything.  Literally something free, and all expressions addressing this say nothing’s free.  Gas to drive there, which today is a whole issue, especially in my new vehicle.

Mad at myself.  The one glass of wine I had when I got home, ONE, Tannat from Foley Sonoma, left a partial ring on my Sedaris book.  Why did I put it there when there’s part of a newspaper right next to it.

Receipts to enter.  Don’t want to do that either.

Found a new playlist of chill or lounge beats.  Listening, then hear Canadian geese.  Loving this sequence of tracks, the feel and BPM, reverb… perfect for this morning, and my mood toward everything.

Stay in the chair, that’s my plan today.  Like I have a paper due… the one time I waited of course till the last half-minute and was up all night writing that paper for the British Lit section with Mr…. Hawkins was it?  Always think of that night and into morning.  No music on, just the quiet and that view from my room of the Bay and me typing.

Making the same happen.  Today.  Left the office yesterday at.. when.  Oh, I took a screenshot.  2:45.  Didn’t make it the whole day, but was there for a few hours.  Giving self some credit.

Was writing in the wrong document there for a minute.  Have too much open.  Maybe today’s a cleaning day… like Spring cleaning but for my laptop, writings, budget—  OH, and actual.  Laundry utterly out of control.

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Health/Wellness

Great meeting in the morning at the 4th & B Starbucks…

then to Field to gather a couple potential leads with the Associate.  Will email them tomorrow.  More and more nervous with how quiet it is.  Can’t fixate on it, just keep moving.  Get out in the field more, I tell myself. Something has to change though, in my daily.  I’ll think about it tonight..

Opened a Bodega Head IPA, needed.  Exhausted from prospecting.  Did a call with an inbound lead earlier, after being int he Field.  See where it goes.  I’m guarded, and cynical now.  Change that, I know.

Thinking about teaching again, but different context.  The #professormikey blog, just put it out there and see what happens.  Could plan some prompts and exercises, see what happens.  No Netflix or news tonight.. WORK.  Staying on the laptop, on the keys.. working.  No distractions, those days are dead, buried and forgotten.

7:46

Back from a dinner date with self, and some wine, I’m in the Nook preparing the actual evacuation.  Calls in the morning…. And of a free mind tonight, and writing freely, unafraid of any reverberation or consequence, or what some NyQuil addict with glasses might say.  Yes I’m angry YES I’m exhausted and mutherfucking YES I don’t care.

I’m free.

I’m immune to consequence or reaction, just as some others are with their corroded chorus.

This is MY kamikaze, my obvious and allowed, allotted jihad.  Feels pretty fucking good I have to say. Why haven’t I written like this before, in this whole thing… the shift.

Pinot from last night—  WINE, writing, my mom, closest friends like Taryn I saw today, grateful in a way that’s above and past and far distant from language.  Like how much I love my kids.  MY, kids.

Oh, am I supposed to say that?

Just told a friend of a friend that I’m a writer in fight mode, which I am.  Like Pac coming out spitting at cameras, or strutting out of the courtroom.

What am I opening after this?  Thing there’s a Dry Creek something open.. or is it Rockpile?  The wines I tasted earlier at MS were more than decent, in fact new and renewing— new shape and feel of wine.  Taryn whom I’m known for years now, always there.  To tell a story, to listen to me, to go back and forth in wine stories and accounts and at times gossip.

Yes, I do it too…

Starting to feel tired, but then I remember I’m still in a trench.  And the other side thinks they rattle me.

NO.

Not permitted to pass any sort of border… even the one who has all laws committed to memory but in no way’s apt to communicate or elaborate or negotiate…. Just an eroded waif.

This fearlessness may be overtaking me compromisingly, but I don’t care at this point.  Why should I.  Some walk with no print, while I’m constantly printed and painted and berated.

Free will… freedom.  Such a hopeful onus and opiate.  Could be the pugilist in my typing, or the wine, or an awesome concert of not-gone honor.

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just writing

Meeting at 8:15 at Starbucks downtown, 4th & B.  Why did I do this….. 

Then out in the field with an AAE after that.  Don’t forget to bring cards.

Taking everything out of Nook office when back.  Finally done with this little space.  Served me well but the pattern and other patterns need be cut.

New thoughts this morning, concerning work and life’s work, what’s next in a multitude of hues, and whatever else I can’t yet massage into a sentence.  It’s early.

Not needing to respond so quick to others’ communications, one thought.  Then another, QUIET.  See what the reaction is.  Spend more time writing and creating than with communication that goes nowhere.

Friend yesterday giving me contact information which hopefully will produce leads… if it doesn’t, I really don’t know what to do at that point.  Working on a project in the event of other events, we’ll see.

7:51, why tf did I schedule a meeting this early?  Good, learn from it.  This guy does have his own business, and may know other business owners, so…..

Changing the character, then the story, then back to character – ME.  Mike Madigan, the new one.  New in what regard.  Well, ways obvious, obvious to me but maybe not readers, or others that have thought they had be properly categorized.

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wine

Trying not to let the stress of Quota and everything else under my skin or in my head or anywhere around me.

But it’s tough right now, I’ll be honest.

No idea how to approach prospecting…. Or other things.  Leaving house in a bit.  No way I’ll be able to work here today, at least for long.  In Nook now… it’s my attitude, I know.

9:16, sip espresso slow.  Had 1 1/2 cups at leads meeting.  I’m over thinking all this, I know.  I say that I think nearly every day but don’t change.  Huh…. shocker.

Writing OFFBLOG in a bit.. other self, talk with self, organize SELF.

Mind exercise… there.  Better.  A bit.

This isn’t working… go OFFBLOG—

Wrote in journal but still feel off.  Need more collection, sight into self and what’s going on.  Pressure of sales and quota, why can’t I just… let it go?

11:38

Finally landed in a state for new business hunting.  Haven’t heard back from anyone, and I’m not stressing or with that angst noose around me.  Taking self out to lunch, I decided. Where I don’t know.  Maybe downtown somewhere, that Mexican place I just can’t get enough of, on 4th.

Calming… focusing on wine and writing about it, my tasting room days and my sister making her wines, my friend and her winery then her roommate with her new winery opportunity.  Writing about  it… what if I could just, do that?  And not just about the wines or the events, wineries or even the industry, maybe not even the people.  But what’s out in the vineyard… what’s here in Sonoma County, and Napa, Mendo and Lake, down in Monterey/Carmel…

Need something, either a new wine or a picture of an old bottle tasted, or a vineyard shot.

Was never stressed about sales when in the industry, ever.  Certainly not at Lancaster, nor at Arista when I’d have fucking cases of Pinot and their Chardonnays flying out the door.  Dutcher Crossing, St. Francis, even at Kunde….

That’s where I am right now. I’m there.. I can hear the people, hear myself talk about my favorite of the Cabernets or Pinots… just where I am.  In wine’s pulse, on that planet. Not here with internet and telecom, wifi and other technologies.  Though I know I need to go all out here to get back to THERE in a way that works for me and can support my babies.

Haven’t left for lunch, think I’m staying here.  Save money, right?  Okay… what is there.  Eggs…

1:42

No tacos.  Stayed here.  That egg sandwich I made a lot last year.  More than enough.  Appointment scheduled for 1:30 with one of the AAEs’ new prospects requested a reschedule.  Thanks the universe.  Not in the mood to talk, at all.

Stress, gone.  Can’t believe it.  Well, I can because I told it to back off.  I made it disappear.  MAGIC.  Or not so much, just a conviction materialized.  I was over it.  And I think the wine thoughts and these pictures helped.  Are still helping.

Not so much magic.  Just thoughts.  But ones useful and determining.  Immune to some people’s expressions.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

HAPPINESS. Imagine that….

From HQ, but not leaving.  This new sight and behavior about me,  I can’t explain it.  Great meeting to start day, have to make one call but will do that from house.  Getting lunch in a bit for all of us.

I’m shocked at the simplicity of this.. this written approach, or writer’s way and handle of attitude.  Why did I not see this before, I asked Dave the guy I met for coffee on Hwy 12.  Who knows, we both uttered.  We’re here now and this is what we deploy.

New friend going through some shit, and the opportunity he sees in it.  More than opportunity it’s certainty.  

WAIT… just had an idea….

Done.  Back to back meetings today.  Firs the AE meeting, then the Sales Meeting at 3…. Might need a glass of wine by then, or water as I’m so caffeinated right now I feel like I could pick up this building and throw it across the street on top of the Kaiser facility.

I don’t need to imagine happiness.  I’m willing it into fruit.  NO— I’m writing it.

HAPPINESS HERE.

That easy.  No human no matter their conviction or certitude will shove me from this new awesome orbit.

Try.  I dare you.

Yeah, YOU.

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

3/21/22 ::: 8:03

Meeting at Starbucks down the road at 9 so I reason 30 minutes to self, for collection on keys and enjoying this espresso… the table, the last days in the Nook, possibly.

Manifesting and mold my own attitude and entity rather than just “energy”.  Making the reality I want and envision form through compassion and love, conviction and LIFE.

Showered late yesterday so I was able to get to this desk or table I mean quicker by not taking one right as I woke, as I usually do.  The quiet here… it’s addictive.  What I see in my eventual base, whence I get there.  Mornings, ALL MINE.  Except for the ones I share with the kids, which I look forward to even more, much more, than those on my own.

The idea of just making something happen, manifesting or simply PLACING it – that reality, the one you always dream about and hope for, and maybe sometimes you complain you don’t have – in your life and total story.

This fascinates me.

Like I wrote before, I’ve heard the term before and more or less dismissed it, brushed it off as some alterna form of thinking, or fashionable metaphysics.  Or something.  Now…. Not so.  I see this as not just possible but an actionable item for me.  And if I feel some mood trying to plant itself and take up residence, I reject.  I fight back, I become Ukranian.

Gorgeous morning, I can see looking across the canyon at the houses partially touched by sun, or at least their downward-sloping backyards are.  It’s more than just the sun and views for me now.  Why didn’t I see this before?

8:21, still time to self left.  Packing light.  Well, more or less.  Didn’t get around to running yesterday so I’ll hit that at lunch or EOD.  Decide on one now…. EOD, so my conscience can be free.  No guilt or worry. —

Stopping myself in whatever new thinking this is about just making something happen, and think of how long I could keep it in practice, and if so what could I REALLY manifest.  Who knows…. Well that’s the thing, I DO know.  What… blogging, writing, running my business from my laptop and phone wherever I wind up.

This is perfect, this is it.  I think I got it – the right way to think about and approach EVERYTHING in the About EVERYTHING… a documentarian approach.  No embellishment, no sass or flash, no gloss, just the REAL REEL of it all.

Look left, see running shoes on floor. Another reminder.  New running life.  Hard to think about it when I’m still waking up.  8:31, packing bag, dashing into this Monday like I don’t think I have. EVER.  Not sure I need more caffeine but I don’t care.  I’m following the story, letting build in concert with this New Mike Madigan page storm.  Manifested, molded, new manuscript and mind….  Thinking and actuation, self-promise to even more be About EVERYTHING, designed.

Elevate story NOW.

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autre

About that hour and how it’s so different and while so many humans loathe it I’m in utter love.

…..

Planning day in head…. Possible lunch with Ditter, maybe around 13:30 or 1, won’t text him for a bit since he had some birthday party to go to last night, friend of the girl he’s seeing… so that gives me a few hours to situate a cluster of running time.  Torn between the belt and one of those Peloton classes or the route I thought about doing yesterday.  Focus on the writing, I tell myself.

Speaking of… the idea for a writing class and prompts associated around the thought of having nothing to write.  Interesting.  So many complain about not having anything to write, and how that’s what’s stopping them.  That’s the best time to write and build, when there’s an empty lot.  I fixate on this house metaphor, and construction alongside and versus composition.  There’s something there… developing this.  Typing versus ink, like coffee versus espresso.

I can’t stop myself.  Over and over the ideas catapult and cartwheel.  For my own story, notes, a new type of #professormikey class.  

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Woke up hoping to see rain, but the streets look same. 

Clouds, gray overhead but that’s about it.  Have to write before running, that’s just my morning pattern and maintained practice.  Light music on, Tommy Guerrero.  Trouble waking up, finding energy.  Noticing this about self lately.  One way to combat, less wine, which I’m doing.

The espresso not hitting the spot as I thought it would.  Not sure I have any coffee left. Through one cup but need to check and don’t feel like getting up right now. Trying not to think about the kids and how my goddamn weekend was taken from me, and then some…. Not thinking about it.  There will be a response.  Especially in book form, when OFFBLOG is given real life.

Started new diet I guess you could call it yesterday, to help with running and conditioning.  Absolutely none of two things.  This too saving for book and OFFBLOG jots and types.  Love mornings and love them more as I get old.  Wish I could get up earlier like the baristas and some of the Field Service guys at work so I could delight in more of it.  Have more to write… 

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HAPPINESS. Imagine that.

Caved and went to Starbucks.  Whatever.  Will put all change in J4H.

Calling a lead I generated yesterday, this morning at 9.  Okay, so in 9 minutes.  Looking for a new side of character as an AE.  The year challenging so far and stressing but I see things improving.  Tired of these lulls in writing and ideas, me sitting down to write and feeling nothing.  Really going to become an unfettered siren of SELF.  The comparison of one character type then another – written yesterday but not posted.

Have to post as soon as I’m done… new rules and disciple for self.  Happiness and FREEDOM, the whole album.  Watching the news last night before leaving for Katie’s house, saw a piece on Growing Up in the Tenderloin.  Interesting and gripping on a number of levels – the African American element, kids being exposed to crime, the homeless and drug issue…. The journalistic texture is what held me, and honestly taught me something.  And not just about writing but  this only life I have – noting everything, and not everything has to be a paragraph or sentence.  Just a quick capture somehow.

8:55, latte, phone call notes.  After this one call, going to office.  Can’t be trapped here all day like yesterday.

Headset on, AE Notebook 1 open.  Okay, I’m in the mode, mood, I’m in character…

First call done then communicating pricing.  Leaving for office soon….  Optimizing me and my place in this story.  Re-reading some Sedaris last night and knowing the sentences need be more free, and of pronounce vehemency.

Not planning morning, nor afternoon.  Do have a couple things on the calendar, but other than that…. All remains in the poetic. 

AE life and all the sales momentums and Beats associated, what I’m inwardly and here communicating.  More than a way with quota… more than Account Executive life itself, or selling any internet or telecom “bundle”… not sure what.  Definition still self-defining, new process and race.

The story of other humans, tying tightly to what I’m seeing and this morning living…