Tag: Mental Strength

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Health/Wellness

Driving to Novato and walking around, in a bit. News off. Coltrane at low volume.

Then I get a text, random, from a conversation… hold on….

Responded and now back to music, the day…. Weekend with kids starts tomorrow.  Last night how visibly and vocally happy they were being here, everything.

Approach this day differently, I say to myself.  Okay, HOW.  I start with wine…. The one I opened last night which didn’t do much to me.  Maybe ‘cause I was looking too intently.  Try again tonight, pair with leftovers from last night, what I bought for the kids.

Thinking, staring at the espresso cup, thoughts on nothing specific.  Office hours tonight.  Going to cancel— OH WAIT, I don’t have to.  Told them there’d be a prompt on the blog to do.  Whew…. Getting tired of the semester, but looking at the calendar, today’s date being halfway through October now leaves only two months in term remaining.  I’ll close it up quick.

Slept well last night, finally.  Another thing with getting old, you need sleep.  Like, really fucking need it.  So annoying.  Not sure how I survived that Sunday night a couple weeks ago with my new business owner… 

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Health/Wellness

10/12/21

Shower, dressed, espresso of course, news telling me about the weather.  How “cold” it is out there.  Not allowing self to work at house or office.  Starbucks or Acre, or Redwood Café, somewhere.  Fighting any potential for repetition or pattern today, ANY.

Already wanting to turn off that goddamn TV.  Commercials annoying me as they did months ago.  7:43, not rushing.  Another sip, thinking.  About what.  A hotel, travel, Sunriver or Santa Barbara.  TRAVEL.  Going anywhere.  Chris mentioning how years ago he and his then-girlfriend went out to the Mendocino Coast a few times, telling me it’s just an hour and a half or so beyond where we were when he told me, which was at Roederer.  Me not having anything close to a girlfriend now, nor do I want or need one, so I thought of taking Mike Madigan out there for a writer’s getaway.

Have told anyone I’ve told anything to about the shift I’m “dating Mike Madigan”.  Keep that firm, stone, carved and confirmed.  Taking this into my sales efforts, into the AE story.  Wrote prospecting targets for the day but will absolutely go beyond that as well.  Not getting interrupted today, no way.

……..

Happiness and its composition entails simplification, consolidation.  That’s what I’m doing, not just with projects and objects but attention and attitude even more crucially.  Just a bit after 8, not yet ready to head out gate.  Relax, I tell myself.  Enjoy your espresso.  Is there a different Starbucks I can go to?  Just need to find new leads…. “Leads 10/12/21” I’ll title the doc.  Make more of a project out of it like I always say I’ll do.  Lawyers, doctors, construction companies, Architecture firms… EVERYTHING.

Writing about sales and not just the comedy but how the stress is SO avoidable.  Especially now coming out of covid.  Know what you sell, which I do AND have a Sales Engineer to supplement knowledge, so it’s on me.  How I prospect and put SELF out there. Sound trite, but it’s absolutely accurate.

Shop for kids this weekend even though Mom took care of much of that.  Cereal, some more snacks.. HEALTHY snacks mind you.  Told Jack I would get him a new football in our FaceTime call last night, as well as a surprise I have planned.  Not stating here as I know some readers are some people, which is fine, just keeping the truth under a silence cloak for now.

Nervous about my flight next week.  WHY???  Like Mom said, I grew up on an airplane. And weren’t you just writing about travel and how much you want to?  Flying into Portland and having a couple hours layover I think.  Hope that have some microbreweries in the airport close to my gate, ha ha….  Looking forward to the running in Sunriver, my route, the view of the mountain, dinner in Bend, the wildlife….

Categories
just writing

Looking through all the pictures from yesterday, not sure where to start, but again a reminder of where I should be no matter what I’m doing.  Even with internet and telecom as an AE, conversations…. Creativity.  TRUE, heartfelt connectedness, connections.  RELATIONSHIPS.

That has to be my beat, the people.  Even more than wine or any tasting experience of winemaker story.

Bottledaux is About EVERYTHING, yes, bit starts with me and my experiences, what I’ve done.  Teaching, literature, writing, wine, running….  Think of doing things in a similar way, using what we have and what we’ve done and not overcomplicate.

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autre wine

8:35am, Skyhawk.

Up earlier than I thought I’d be, given the long day yesterday and the early wake, all the driving and wine experienced.  No Starbucks this morning, just espresso.  Have to set aside money of business and the condo (which I regard as a business expense or office, part of the business in whatever regard), invest like Kyle and Dad….  Going to look at account in a minute.  Spent more yesterday than I should have but not too bad.  Four bottles at Goldeneye, two at Lichen, then one at Smith-Story where I met Allison the owner, then one at 4th Street when back in Santa Rosa wanting to show Chris that place.  I’m here int he kitchen, in quiet no music yet, and about to get into finances… sort through monies and savings aims with this sizable commission check.  Why am I hesitant?

Guess I didn’t spend as much as I thought, leaving more in account than I estimated.  Never been strong with math or numbers but finding now with business and an upcoming real estate investment I have to.

I stop and don’t know why.  AM stopped, by something, some thought.  Chris and I laughing at this counter last night over dinner I set out for us from Oliver’s, talking about life and relationships, his ex-girlfriend, me and the my shift…..  Again seeing that those numbers on the clock don’t stop.  I need more freedom and freed sense of writing and operation as a human.  What that means and the shape it’ll take.

8:56, I’ll leave at 9:45, or maybe a little before.  MY thinking and brain-scape taking advantage of my sitting here, moving me one way or another.  Sunriver, the condo, the AE story, kids being here next weekend (have to prep for that)….  The espresso, taking place of a latte which would have been over $6.  $6 I could have spend on paper plates or something for condo.

LoFi beats, relaxing my head and nerves, seeing again that view yesterday from the Goldeneye patio.  Chris and I walking around property first carrying a little splash of their sparkling Rosé.  My wines, my story with wine centering me… wines I’ll make and the possible shop.—  I get up quick to take a picture of the Sangiovese bottle we opened last night, from Colagrossi.  MY connection to wine and the wine people and owners and winemakers I meet at this age more varied, more musical, playful.  Better for the paragraphs.

Was nearly distracted by something, a project, but pulled self back here.  Why wine… why do people associate me with it other than the industry presence and I’m seen sipping wine before anything else, over other options at a bar or restaurant.  Chris and the bartender yesterday at Starks talking about Whiskey or Bourbon (I don’t know the difference), and I could have not cared less.  I kept looking at the Paraduxx blend in the glass in front of me. I kept staring at the color, smelling, she was talking to me… language from puddle telling me to stay in the wine story and if I leave always reconnect to the singularity of HER.

Categories
just writing

Finally did it. Up at 4. Writing and notes, poetry, music.

Just back from getting coffee, the sun not over that hill stretch to east.  7:26 now, back from getting latte.  Chris to be over at 9 I think.  Should probably check in with him and see.  Feeling tired but ignoring it.  Today has to be its own book, and decisive in my wine story, how Bottledaux will take its eventual and ever-evolving shape.

Normally on a Saturday I don’t have the babies I’d be up at 8-something, all those hours lost and not written.  Today no, something contrasting and beneficially elevating and proscribing told.  Friend telling me about her side business which changes in intensity given season.  She’ll only work in wine, hospitality, her catering business which particularizes in artisanal cheese plates.  And that’s all she’ll do.  Her intensity in her own singularization stuns me, and is part of what has me typing at this hour.

My relationship to my work, my LFIE’S work.  How do I denominate it?  Writing, health, thought… I don’t know.  But I find myself at the counter this morning writing in a way I haven’t before.  And not just because of the hour.  EVERYTHING….  The counter, the sky now, the sun struggling to wake and instruct us for the day.  Nearing October’s ides, time just passing like I always notice.  Ignoring time today, not letting it stick or hit in any significant clip.  Pinot last night, corked and on counter, bought yesterday while visiting my friend Erin at 4th Street Cellars.  She shared stories about being a bartender in Vegas for years, all the money in tips you’d make.  Told her I’ve always wanted to tend bar but I don’t have enough knowledge of anything other than wine and beer to a much more minor extent.  She told me that doesn’t matter and I said I wasn’t serious, just always wondered if I could pull it off.  Tasting only three wines there then went to meeting, which was odd to say the least with how busy it was on Railroad Square.  Uneventful, so here the paragraph dies.

Taking Glad Freedom the new Composition Book with me today.  Reminding self, as Dad urged last year, NOTES… avoid full sentences.  Every wine noted, logged.  Should I take my camera?  YES…. Go charge it.

Can’t find charger, so just using phone.  Goddamnit… will order a new one tonight.  This tells me something – to definitely hold off on getting that sext camera I’ve had my eye on, the Cannon 6 or something.  Can’t remember model number.  Texted Chris asking when he’ll be over… go to Oliver’s, get sandwiches for later, then the drive.

4am, can’t believe I finally did it.  Going to be earlier helped, yes, but it was more than that.  I’m simply getting tired of the repetition of certain day attributes… want difference, NEWNESS, to further be enveloped by my own thoughts and pages, Art.  Be more like the kids…. PLAY.  Why do I have to be an adult every fucking day?  

Why am I thinking about the wine industry?  No I’ll never go back, certain not in any past capacity.  To live through certain characters though like my sister, Jesse or Lainy, Chris or one of my other winemaker friends….  While driving to Starbucks on Farmers I imagined being in harvest, this vintage, getting coffee before heading to a pick in Russian River or Sonoma Valley where my sister is.  I’m out of the industry, I guess, but not.  Write it, then re-write it… make it mine, have it belong to the page.

Budget for day, set.  Not disclosing here, but OFFBLOG.  Moving money around for condo.  Petaluma more and more sings to me, but then Sonoma’s Square….  Simplicity in thought and budgeting approach.  Talking to friend Kyle yesterday over Rosé about investing and business tangents and connected directions, but we always came back to wine… walking into Craig’s winery Colagrossi and watching him punch down bins and he being nice enough to host a tasting for Kyle and I atop a bin’s lid.  I need to make wine, I thought. Or make it with Katie.  OR, she make it and I narrate from there.  Something.

Need to stop typing, get in shower.  Chris to be here at 8:45 and I need to get cash.  Shit.  See what I mean?  Time just evaporates, passes me like I’m not here.  And maybe I’m not to it.  IT.  It’s just an IT, Mikey.  Stop thinking about ….  Clock and its numbers, the calendar, do this then, then that on that day.  Obsessed, sickened, just getting old.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Already deviated from my 10 minute bracket plan. Oh well.

Emailed students, confirmed 2:30 meeting with friend.

Connection, connectivity… people.  They fascinate and sicken me at the same time.  Why… how is my relationship with other humans changing.

Then I get a message that lights me on fire, and not in a good way.  Breathing…

Think of something else…. Sunriver.  Oh shit, and the food truck.  What time is it.  11:49. Still too early.

Wish I could cook.  Need to in this new life.  Maybe I’ll start tonight, go to Oliver’s and cook.  JUST FOR ME.  No one else, regardless of what others infer.

My GOD I’m so fucking sick of humans and their proclamations and defamations, and self-absorption… I could go on, but won’t.  At least not here on-blog.  The book, forget about it… carpet bombing.  Or maybe I won’t, that would make me one of them.

TOPIC NEXT….  My sister, one of my heroes and not just with wine.  She’s like a soldier in so many senses.  Need to be more like her.  More solitary….  Can’t help but feel what I do.  It’s not anger, not rage, just disgust, regret, inward criticism.  Guess I am human… gross.

Don’t think or talk about them, these abhorrent flesh bags.  Ocean, vineyard, mountains.. Sunriver and those trails, the bike paths, how I’ll run everyday along the river.

Humans in here, laughing, encouraging and relieving before but now like rusty nails in my eardrums.  Oh fuck so do I want to have a beer with Kyle at 2:30 or meet that wine industry devil at 5 to talk sales and marketing, DTC versus 3-Tier a conversation I’ve had so many fucking times and have no idea why I agreed to this one.

GODDAMNIT.  I need to calm down, I know… Paris, Yellowstone which I’ve always wanted to see.  More aggression in my writing, in my branding, my voice… EVERYTHING.  That’s the only answer…. Distancing myself from these things, these talking monkey extensions.

Noon.  Lunch.  Food truck time… what’s out there.  Go see.  Okay.

…..

1:50, at house and ready to leave again to meet with friend in fiber territory.  Student texting me blaming me for his being behind.  I am NOT teaching next semester.  No need to… will be in the BLX office so no need.

Beautiful outside, Fall.  Driving up Mountain Hawk seeing trees with their new identities and colors, voices, music… easing.  Not letting anything or any human thing re-shape this happiness and Fall freedom I feel.

Friend wants to push back meeting.  Fuck… see what I mean?  Idiot humans.  Oh, hope he doesn’t read this.  Oh well if he does.  Sorry, Kyle….

Shootout with student over, resolved peacefully more or less.  Got under my skin because I’m feeling like, “Jesus… another human saying I’m the bad guy, that I’m to blame for this and that and how they feel and…..” Definitely following Leah’s counsel from a couple months ago to take a SELF vacation.  Me in Paris alone.  I’ll visit my friend there but not stay with them as planned.

Categories
autre

(ONBLOG)

On Mike Madigan keys now, in office.  Waiting for food truck to get here.  Nearly forgot it’s food truck Friday.. hear people laughing around the office, see smiles everywhere, saw my friend Mariah in HR to get a new hat… today is one of many this week that’s not only been easy but elevating and contributing to this new 12/5/21 target of being int he BLX office.  ‘BLX’, my new abbrev’ for the company.  Not sure why.  Looks cool I guess.

Messaging Ditter, then someone else, now what do I do?  Just wait for the truck I guess, more writing time…. OH, prompt for students and email them.  Will do that now..  Or, after I post this.

Jesus why is it so early.  10:59.

Now tired.  Let out a yawn maybe a little too loud.  Oh well. Meeting friend in territory at 2:30, then have a cocktail hour meeting with a wine conversation at 5… then after that an evening QUIET.  No humans, no voices, no conversations.  ME, Mountain Hawk, that’s it.

59 minutes till lunch.  Planning the remaining time in 10 minute manuscripts.

Students

Wine

Sonic

#prospectesk

Pen & paper

Photog

…..

Zen now.  Another feel.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Still writing and not concerned with word count or anything.  Challenging self to NO time at HQ today, and minimal time at house.  Stay out, in field… speaking of, I should get gas and maybe drive to Novato— left badge and business cards at home.  Never mind.  There I am stressing about sales, again…. ‘Nother thought driving over here, if I can sell internet and telecom, WiFi and all this other shit, I should be able to sell ME.  OR, speak me to a point of profitability.  ‘Mike Madigan blogger’.  That simple and arrow-like, no comma.  Rambling, need to this morning.

Two contracts in, this week.  Trying to get a third.  9:05, I’ll be on the AE keys at, what, 9:15?  9:30?  Class tonight, then dinner.  Get in a needed run, but how.  When?  Thinking too much about it.  Saw someone walking from eye’s corner, headed to register to order or pickup more than likely.  Beautiful gramarye this morning, in everything I see and hear through this track.  No obstructions or interrupts, but I interrupt myself knowing I need be more in the moment….  Latte on a Thursday, thinking about tasting wine with Chris on Saturday in Mendo’.  Philo mostly and I think a little Boonville.  Then what.  No plans.  Thinking a night to self, finally.  Caddis Sunday morning…. Wine now speaking to me, the Cab last night that I bought for just a jab over $20 when it should have been $30-something, the put the bottles in the wrong place and over the wrong tag.  Checker was amiable enough to honor my observation, thankfully.  But where do I go……

Where do I go with wine?  Have it as a “hobby”, but I hate that word.  It’s just part of the EVERYTHING of my story, being…

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Health/Wellness

Mike Paired With Horizon

Coelho talked about Personal Legend I thought driving here to Farmers.  Then Kerouac with the Legend of Duluoz.  Mike Madigan legend finally starting now, or maybe not.  It’s always been there but now I see it.  My relationship with Self building, new architecture and…..

A group of Latino blokes sit across from me at that longer table, sipping their coffee and smiling.  Their happiness is addictive, I type while starting and them and smiling while they smile.  Not sure if they’re on a break from work or on their way to.

Listening to music, certain tracks on the drive as well.  My opinion of the Ae story, shifting… along with the shift itself. Me as an artist, poet bloke or what be.  No sip of the latte yet.. only three shots, already having a double at house.  Mom and Dad readying for their drive to Sunriver, bags out the night before and everything prepared for launch like the old days, like when my sister and I would drive with them.  Two weeks from today, I fly up.  Can’t afford one second wasted while there…. Want a group of pages completed.  Runs everyday, photography… speaking of, going to get that camera.

Today I’m wanting to live madly and wildly and with no restrictions, no barriers, ceilings or walls.  First sip, the latte and her 3 shots agree.  

Men leave and I’m sad.  Smile inward, I say to self.  There’s no reason to do anything but celebrate the day.  Girl in the corner looking at her phone.  Otherwise no one here.  I hear music, additional to the Tycho track playing.  Not sure what to do with it.  My legend.. this, everything from a literary entity and consideration.  Wine, running, the kids, the shift, the condo on the Square or Petaluma, EVERYTHING.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Quick power nap, now espresso.

Good sized contract landing, bringing me to I think 64% for the month.  Waiting on approval on a proposal to ICB.

Just noticed some clouds.  Seasons changing, without any ask of permission or allowance or assistance.

1:52 only…. Distracted by conversations, a couple of them.  Mom reminds me to not stress over quota, she’s right.  And I don’t anymore, remember reader?  COMEDY… like right now how I’m riding high from these two early sales in month then if there’s a dry spell or momentary drought as I call them I’m thinking about re-entering the wine industry.  You have to laugh, you have to.

What now… day still so young.  Jesus, still not 2.  Okay… do something.  What.  Idea…. Another…. Another….  What I write about.  Relationships.  Everything is about them.  Trying to get as molecular as I can with this day, this second, where I am and what I’m doing.

Need a conversation.  With self…. That “#selftalk” I always mention.  What do I want?  Don’t know. Where can I go?  Anywhere, the café in Cotati.  Yes, that is the plan.  Okay, when there, then what?  Write the café, have an association with the people there.  Give them stories, I start thinking but I’m not a fiction writer.  How I react to the people, the walls and tables, memories of me as an SSU student sometimes going there for lunch or to finish a paper, or some smaller assignment just wanting to get out of my on-campus apartment.  Seems like a millennium ago.

What always obstructs or “blocks” me when writing is thought.  Not even overthinking, just general thought.  Returning to conversations, new characters… where are they going, these back and forth words.  No idea, just keep them alive and loft.

No dating, just words.