Emailed students, confirmed 2:30 meeting with friend.
Connection, connectivity… people. They fascinate and sicken me at the same time. Why… how is my relationship with other humans changing.
Then I get a message that lights me on fire, and not in a good way. Breathing…
Think of something else…. Sunriver. Oh shit, and the food truck. What time is it. 11:49. Still too early.
Wish I could cook. Need to in this new life. Maybe I’ll start tonight, go to Oliver’s and cook. JUST FOR ME. No one else, regardless of what others infer.
My GOD I’m so fucking sick of humans and their proclamations and defamations, and self-absorption… I could go on, but won’t. At least not here on-blog. The book, forget about it… carpet bombing. Or maybe I won’t, that would make me one of them.
TOPIC NEXT…. My sister, one of my heroes and not just with wine. She’s like a soldier in so many senses. Need to be more like her. More solitary…. Can’t help but feel what I do. It’s not anger, not rage, just disgust, regret, inward criticism. Guess I am human… gross.
Don’t think or talk about them, these abhorrent flesh bags. Ocean, vineyard, mountains.. Sunriver and those trails, the bike paths, how I’ll run everyday along the river.
Humans in here, laughing, encouraging and relieving before but now like rusty nails in my eardrums. Oh fuck so do I want to have a beer with Kyle at 2:30 or meet that wine industry devil at 5 to talk sales and marketing, DTC versus 3-Tier a conversation I’ve had so many fucking times and have no idea why I agreed to this one.
GODDAMNIT. I need to calm down, I know… Paris, Yellowstone which I’ve always wanted to see. More aggression in my writing, in my branding, my voice… EVERYTHING. That’s the only answer…. Distancing myself from these things, these talking monkey extensions.
Noon. Lunch. Food truck time… what’s out there. Go see. Okay.
1:50, at house and ready to leave again to meet with friend in fiber territory. Student texting me blaming me for his being behind. I am NOT teaching next semester. No need to… will be in the BLX office so no need.
Beautiful outside, Fall. Driving up Mountain Hawk seeing trees with their new identities and colors, voices, music… easing. Not letting anything or any human thing re-shape this happiness and Fall freedom I feel.
Friend wants to push back meeting. Fuck… see what I mean? Idiot humans. Oh, hope he doesn’t read this. Oh well if he does. Sorry, Kyle….
Shootout with student over, resolved peacefully more or less. Got under my skin because I’m feeling like, “Jesus… another human saying I’m the bad guy, that I’m to blame for this and that and how they feel and…..” Definitely following Leah’s counsel from a couple months ago to take a SELF vacation. Me in Paris alone. I’ll visit my friend there but not stay with them as planned.