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Health/Wellness

Writing at the new Starbucks off 12, the one that replaced 12 & Mission.

The one that got my latte order wrong twice on Saturday.  Day just taxing out, on runway, pilot me talking to control tower morning.  Ordered a small medium roast, letting it cool.  Know if I sipped it now I’d be torched.

Last night’s dinner showing me more about the shift, change, how it’s possible.  Characters change, or more so they develop.

Coffee still too hot, putting my left grip on it lightly.  8:23, plenty of time to do what I need.  Waiting on a contract to come in, the small one I sent out toward EOD yesterday for voice only.

Blend last night when at the house, telling me to stop stalling with the book.  Wrote from wine… the vineyard, people, think of the kids helping their aunt on the crush pad…. Little Emmie stepping on grapes with her little brother, then Jack moving bins or pushing something on a rolling forklift or whatever you call those things.

Last night she reminded me of conversations, the ones present and the ones that need be shed.  I’m getting older as I write all the time and for which I receive shit from my parents and other people, saying “You’re not old….”, but it’s how I feel.  It’s what I notice.  And something Dad said the other day about him one day not being able to do something, “It’s just going to happen…” I think he said, makes me more intent to retreat into the pages, my writings – the blog and books.

Coffee at a decent temp.  Two sips, maybe three.  All these baristas… wonder what time each arrives.  I’ve been fascinated by them for years.. the early arrival, their speed, their familiarity with the innumerable concoctions and devices.

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just writing

…I need to re-evaluate how I assess the current stage.

8:15pm, and I see more.  New conversations are one thing, but conversations that have been on page for years and have taken different forms and directions I didn’t forecast… here I am.  Grateful for the night, for her words and time.

Seeing more, feeling more, I’m more me than I’ve been in months, maybe years.  So here I am.  Music here in the kitchen, thinking of the kids and how they take to certain tracks I play in the car.  Even little Henry bobs his head to Jim Morrison’s L.A. Woman…

Happiness definition, new definition here with me.  A book….  another.  Thinking.  Looking at new restaurants in Windsor— Almost forgot about Mill Valley tomorrow.  More developing in the story than I know how to catalog and log, inventory.

Music in all veins and capillaries…. From today in the office to dinner just a bit ago….  Message from new conversation, late but I don’t mind.  Mind everywhere, not wanting to start a new paragraph.  Keep everything singular, one composition, no matter the emotional curvature.  Book done, I know it is, I just have to build it.  570 pages of prose this year, in this Pages doc.

No wine yet, what am I opening… For some reason feel like Zin.  Why.  I’m changing.  I notice the characters around me change just as musicians change, as Coltrane did, Morrison, Joplin, Shakur.  Need quiet… writing late.  Everything starts from tonight, from dinner, from my words with her.  Not a healing, but a honing of consciousness, of conviction, knowing the Now.

After life, demand bullion from it.  Everything, in being About EVERYTHING.  Music…. Sentimental Mood, like Mr. Coltrane.

Taryn messages me, I ignore her.  Not from malice, but focus. On tonight, dinner, Now.

Categories
Health/Wellness

this morning

Calming in this little office of mine within the office.

Going to hop writing spots today… after this, Acre… then back to house.  OR, that one spot but I’d have to pay for parking and I HATE that.  Not thinking about it now.

Listening to Tycho but got tired of it, so now Emancipator.  “Greenland”, current track.  More aligned with my mood.  Need to wake earlier, as I’ve said for who knows how long.  This morning I’m really feeling it, feeling behind and like there’s an answer fluttering right in front of me and if I woke earlier there wouldn’t be this chase.

It’s only 9:20 I realize.  I have time to catch it.

Escaping into my writing, my LIFE’S WORK…. Sent reports, messaged a co-worker happy birthday, now readying for a call to discuss pricing.  Only 9:35, time playing with me, or reassuring me.  That’s there’s plenty of it and everything is contingent on my usage of it.  And, it’s only an IT.

Headed to Marin tomorrow, Mill Valley toward day’s end. Can’t remember the last time I was there.  A wine shop I want to visit, can’t remember the name… makes me think of when I was trying to court them into getting connectivity from me, from one of the circuits we have available out there.

Messaged someone, then someone else.  Need a writing break, even though I’ve technically been on one since I arrived.

Revisiting an idea, not a new one.  One I had at the beginning of the year, about building network and writing a book or notebooks, a series-like, on prospecting new business.  Inventorying conversations….  It doesn’t hit me, but taps me on the shoulder this morning, wanting to get my attention.  Second half of the day, from Acre, I’ll reconnect with these projects… and when I reach a certain altitude, within a year I’m targeting, I’ll have my office.  ON THE SONOMA SQUARE.  The only location I’m seeing for both office and new home.

Have another prospect to call, but am going to wait.  Will do AE meeting from here, or some other side room though I don’t think this one’ll be occupied at 2.

10:08 now, need to produce contract to send.  Will do before EOD.  My mood elevates.  Why.  Thinking of the kids this weekend…. Little Henry feeling much more comfortable in the new house, Emma following my father everywhere, Jackie wanting to stay longer and how he calls to my mom for answers or a snack, help with something…. Just emailed someone telling them I’m feeling positive, more than positive, about this week.

It’s a new week…. Have a call to make now.  The momentum becomes more loving.  Have to work tonight, at my desk like Dad does into later hours.  I’m calling the day too early I realize.

Covering more ground than I thought I would.  Feel like an explorer, just finding out what’s over there, then over there, what I can see for the sake…

Categories
Health/Wellness

Called and left message for a prospect.

Have pricing approved and I know he’ll take it.  Not sure what to do now… stay in chair, again having that discussion with myself.

Another cup, and hearing voices to left from a meeting in the big room.  Quiet otherwise in the office.

Music back on, in ears….  Being About EVERYTHING circling in and around everything I see.. phone and coffee cup, wallet.  Thinking and deliberation has become an enemy.  Should just be writing, living…. Kids this weekend… then after that, work.  Building this blog into something monumental.. its own monument.  Want it to help people…. Focus on Health and Happiness, Mental Health since covid hit and now where we don’t know if it’s fading, or coming back, or some new variant will be all over news and we’ll just be cocooned in uncertain.

Not letting anything stress me today.  Not like yesterday, which was rough except for the later hours, like 3pm onward… beer at Union Hotel, then dinner with parents, then back at house for a glass of wine and some light writing.  The day rewarded me for surviving the stress, or facing it.. something.

Spinning now, indecision.. then ideas.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Here I am, in the office before calls.

New tracks playing in ears putting me in mood for consolidations.  Not making any promises, or saying what I will do even though that’s somewhat what I’m putting on this page currently.  Only reporting on what occurred…. Rising from bed just before alarm was to go off at 7:30, into shower then dress and out door.  No Starbucks this morning.  Conserving cash after taking parents to dinner last night.  Tips Roadside, one of our preferred’s in the county.

Thinking of conversations and what they can do, how they can shape perception.  While waiting for my coffee here in the office, in the break room from one of the two silver and beat machines, I reminded myself of how I want people to see me… a writer and blogger.  That’s how I want everything to happen… everything.  Making and destroying quota, to teaching, to wine, running (which I haven’t done in a while but vow to do early tomorrow morning somehow… EVERYTHING.  Blogging and noting everything.

The stress of yesterday’s occurrences forgotten.  I’m here, in this chair in this office and with this coffee….  New conversation messaging me, no time.  Have to keep concentration and sight on what I see for self.

Just deleted a whole sentence.  Not liking what I’m writing but allowing no such mood or temperament slow me.  I’m in a Friday mood, and aren’t I supposed to celebrate Friday?  Isn’t that what we all want, for it to be Friday.  

No. Me.  I’ve never really been like that till lately like I’ve told you.

Come on, Coffee… do your fucking job.  I have to sell something today, or set up a sale for next week.  OH… the appointment from yesterday.  He’ll sign if I get him a contract, I’m sure of it.  Sales….  Should have done some setting up last night instead of whatever I was doing.  Messaging and texting, scrolling… FUCK, why do I do that?

Have the kids this weekend and need to be militant with time.  Thinking to myself, exactly what do I see…..  Me writing, finishing books, traveling, speaking when summoned or booked.  How do I get there—  Don’t think like that.  You are here once, ONCE… a determining voltage in the day-to-day, the realization that you don’t know when your stage appearance is over.

Now my heart moves faster, and not to alarm me but as if to confirm this morning’s musing.  Contracting Newness as I listen to this electric and ambient track….  Getting through calls, as I do every Friday.  Okay.. know where I’m going to start.  Know what I want.  If I get to 100% for the month before next Friday, I’m taking next Friday to self.  Lunch in Marin, writing in Composition Book somewhere I never have.

Something needs to be re-shaped….

Connectivity.  Being About EVERYTHING….

Again the thought slaps me while talking to my AE friend David.  How to get from Here to THERE… what’s the composition of the bridge?  And if you don’t know why not just jump in the water and start swimming.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Another rough day, challenging, but it settles.

One contract sure to come in from earlier call, and just set up another call with Sales Eng’ tomorrow.  Time for wine, I’m thinking.  But where.  Just got back to house.

Quick break… to check… well, I can’t tell….

Have to spend less time working at home.  Right now I should be at Acre, or the Farmers Starbucks.  Or KIN in Windsor.  Was just up there actually to get some documents and thought about swinging by KIN for a quick beer, but didn’t.  Had to do this call only to have him not pick up.  Called him 8 minutes late.  Maybe he’s like that.  3 o’clock or nothing, fucker.

Know I have to work on my stress and reactive ways.  “Don’t give so many fucks” that one Senior AE said to me at our SF lunch before covid.

What I’m feeling right now, mood and all perceptive shapes… could fill a book.  Could be several books.  Right now, annoyed by some clients.  Some people.  Then, relief that the day’s closing.  Hate that I’m like that now, that I love EOD and Fridays, the weekend.  I should be in love with every day …

Categories
Health/Wellness

notes

Additionally, I’m not letting certain voices, you know…some people… into my day or what I see, how I translate what’s around me, or far.  How I aim for that image of me writing and that’s all I do for work.

We need to convince ourselves of things.  Goals, habits, thoughts, convictions, all of it.  What we want, need.

We give the wrong people permission, sometimes.  I’m of anyone in the world much to blame for this.

Get out of this Starbucks soon, Mike. What the fuck are you doing here?  Why choose here.  I don’t know, habit?  Another…

Categories
Health/Wellness

Cathartic Camion

Starting to think working here at Starbucks is a bad idea.  So just starting the day here.

Have some admin things to touch, and other.  Tempted to clock out for rest of day, starting at noon, and I’m very much tempted and poised to do so.

Shit, just remembered I have a phone appointment at 1.  Okay, 2 then.  Need to separate for a bit, get away from the AE story, recollect and gather self and ideas…

Just sent a note to the direct telling him I’ll be online around 10.  I did it, I did it…. So I guess I’m not posting this line to blog.  Good, this is good for me.

Talked to someone important a second ago and straightened out something that needed such.  More aggression in my writing… thinking Tupac, Hemingway, Plath, Mr. X….  Be more of a loud writer.  I’m too comfortable and too concerned with reaction and I think much of that comes from being a blogger.  Anyhow, I’m here today and I’m new and I refuse to have anymore stress-laced and set days and no more bland cracker days where nothing fucking happens.

I have an hour to self, conscious clear and free and flying.  An azure day of sorts, the feeling I’m getting this morning….  Writing all sentences and thoughts.

Vacation….

My new home, condo or townhouse…..

Wine in Paris with an old friend, she and I writing and walking all over my city.

Waking early like I have before and having something like 2000 words on page before the sun even thinks of introducing itself to the planet.

Mental blocks with two things I have to do today, and don’t know why.  Do them anyway, I tell myself.  I will, I will…. Remember the image of yourself in your new condo typing on a free weekend… running a few miles, then coming home to shower, take a nap, write some more, then have dinner somewhere on the Square.

Nothing changes if nothing changes…..  So, re-shape the whole stage.

Sales, selling… this AE story… on brain.  And why.  What do I want with it, what do I want it to do for me.  And more plainly, what IS it doing…?  Where am I going…. Then an idea, one quite sharp hits me.  Brandish Comp Book and pen.  Notes to self in a sec.  Calming… breathing…. No worries about the day or any new clients or prospective ones, the refunds I need to process and why am I stressed about that?  It’s fucking form.

Then like a runaway 18-wheeler the ease sees and treats me.  Mended.  Have to ditch this backpack except for AE laptop and Comp Book.  Consolidate, be light, free I tell myself.  

These baristas, incredibly interesting in their fast movements and going from one end of behind the bar to other with headset around their crown.  Makes me miss those busy days in the wine industry – the tables and the groups, the sales and how I din’t have to wait weeks to transact.  Friends and new friends, the events, honestly all of it lately…. The vineyard walks, talks with winemakers, the possibility of making my own wine just a few steps THAT way.

Categories
Health/Wellness

At HQ. 11:07.

New lead with an IT partner, hope it materializes.  But I’m not stressing over it.  I have enough dueling with anxiety and stress and just stuck luck and thought these days.  So I stop.  AE Notebook 1, at left… staying here till just before 1 when I’m going to drive downtown and attempt to initiate another conversation.  Planning every hour.. Have to.  Wine in my inner notebooks chanting and chirping at me… telling me to take the rest of the day and write the barrels, the vineyards—  To text my sister.

On precipice of a major decision, writing-wise… stopping before gavel dropped.

Wines last night, an SB I believe and sister’s Pinot.  Yes, text sister…. Done.  And now want a drive, through Alexander Valley or through Russian River.  Thinking of all the tasting rooms I’ve worked at, the people, many of whom I’m still friends with or touch base here and there.  There’s money in tech, I know, but……. Don’t know, just thinking.

And that’s what I really find humorous. “…just thinking…”. What the fuck, about WHAT?  Start doing, being more whim-thrown and wind-blown.

Want a sparkling water.  Or gum.  Or both.

Categories
Health/Wellness

Farmers Lane, latte, things to do but taking time to self first.

Everything today has to be set on and in the Ae story.  I’m getting frustrated again, and why.  I’m at like 96% for month.  Well, 1, I seek to be over 100%, and the rest of the year worries me.  Closer we get to the holidays, businesses starting to tighten belts.  Keep doing what I’m doing like so many tell me.  But I need this AE story to take a different form.  Focus more on me, less on prospecting.. Don’t think about it, that’s part of it too.

8:55, I get a message and barely respond.  Need to stay here in Bottledaux-land..  Meeting with leads group tomorrow, and everything feels repeated.  Had a thought about taking off the day and driving out to the beach, writing there, or just taking notes as Dad and I talked about last night.

……..

More notes.  Less sentences and paragraphs.

Do I teach in the Spring?  Do I want to?  Well, I want the money.

The ONBLOG/OFFBLOG idea and approach in book I find intriguing, on a number of levels…. One level of honesty, then another.

This whole thing with the divorce and collaborating with of course an attorney whom I only met a couple months ago, then my parents on other facets, Dad attacking the financial provinces and other tones… showing me again that life is short, and we spend it on calculations and situations we’d rather not but maybe don’t have a choice.

Was going to be OFFBLOG:  No mood for the Ae story.  Trying to talk myself into it.  Find comedy, Mike.  Find it all a big fucking joke.  And it is sort of, right?

Jesus, it’s already 9:10?  Have to do a credit request, then call one of my beetle-brained clients about a request or change to their services.  That just sounds no-me, so sales-y…. This tells me something, something I’ve said to self before and already know.. a new axiomatic light flickers like an angry seagull just blaring from a harbor post.

Write the AE story more, MORE.. and more humor.  One joke, or just something I’m finding funny, is that I’m going to put off a little more when I’m in AE mode, or on-clock, on the AE laptop keys.