Yes. Me, and what I want. What I will let affect me. What I will let precipitate language. Nurse, helping me. Fuck… was in a meeting too late and she fell asleep, didn’t get to tell her goodnight. But, in this “discovery”, I find that there is an assurance of positive, loving people being there the next day. She always is.. saying good morning, reminding me of our next adventure.
Discovering who is a loon, and who is true. I’m also unearthing the peace in simplicity.. the loft, the drive to SF, picking up my kids early tomorrow and having them play in the loft, getting them their hot chocolates or morning treats.
You know what else I’ve discovered, as a result of Stoic study especially? I don’t have to react. I don’t have to get mad, or be a nasty vile fang of a human. I’ll leave that to others.. I want love.
And FINALLY, holy fuck… FINALLY, after over 44 years of life, landed.
So now what. I have no idea.. Wrote her something but she’s asleep, don’t want to send it. Or maybe I should, and then be silent, back off…. Posting this ‘cause I want people to know should I early go that I felt this. Leaning on writings from Pac and Hemingway, Hughes and others about death and what you want to leave.
LOVE. The only thing I was after.
I have to respond to certain remarks and claims from sensibility of integrity… so…. I don’t know, I’m not mad, or spiteful, but should I just me be a mute?
Discovering I’m a lot stronger than I prior estimated. I know that if I want that, be it whatever – business or real estate, or tech facet, new car or anything for my baby – it’ll be done. And in short time.
I only need a journal.. the babies get everything. Jack often quotes me when at the loft… “Dad, you said we can have anything as long as it’s not unreasonable or egregious.” Love hearing him throw it back at me. His brilliance, I really have to watch it. His wins in any spoken contrasts far out-far mine.