me:  5/13/16

“Invitation”

Realizing we’re the visible ripple of our decisions’ collective puddle.  That is, what we do and all decisions we make constitute our character.  Was just in line at Starbucks, feeling impatient and internally cursing the place and myself for it taking so long, “Why am I wasting my morning like this?” And all mirroring sentiments.  But then I saw, I chose to be there, in that line, spending my money on an overpriced drink when I could have just made coffee at home, blended in some chocolate, milk, whip, whatever.  This morning’s been that meditation I’ve needed all week, valuing what I elect, yes, but being careful with WHAT I elect.

At the end of the semester, time is a dish, a cake.  It has to be proportioned optimally, so we need to premeditate.  Time is sweet, complex and variable, and beautiful, but cruelly candid.  We have to measure, how big a piece to devote to one act, or another.  And, this is something I’m very much still learning.  If we’re to love every last drop of our lives we need to be in a position to do so.  The love won’t just precipitate.  We can’t expect.  We have to demand.  From ourselves.  It will take a while to perfect some pattern or practice, believe me I’m very much still working on mine, but it needs to start, somewhere.  We need to start somewhere if we’re to be seen as a collective body of thought and not just some haphazard ripple-set.

Okay, so simply:  THINK FIRST.  And take your time.  You only have one leap that’s a first leap.  All around me in this Starbucks, people are doing something.  Who knows if it’s something significant or story-shifting they’re engaged in, but it’s something.  I advise to myself, “Make all efforts story-changing.” Why not try?  Why not test ourselves, truly write our own stories and live just the way we want?  I see so many people dread the mornings, Mondays, Sunday evenings just embittered with the coming week.  What if we stop that, entirely and definitively?  Doesn’t even have to be a what-if…  It can just be.

Mistakes are likely, in fact they’re guaranteed.  But I believe they can be minimized greatly if we put ourselves in a role of aptitude, where we feel not just comfortable but illustratively confident.  Moving forward, only, as backward no longer exists in word nor concept.  Things have to be done differently, allow yourself to be addicted to the Newness.  What I elect, is adventure, the crazed and creative days, the madness that so many envy in others but can’t bring themselves to enact.  So here I go, into these final weeks of the semester.  Where are you?

Cruising through my Composition Book, notes from the past 17 weeks, and I’m reminded that time has no interest in waiting for me.  In fact, it appears to shine in its vindictive momentum, curt and cruel.  Aging us all, taking away time to work on writings, our projects for other classes.  Time is time, and it refuses.  It gifts little.  That’s why we should dart at the chance to gift ourselves.  With what?  New starts.  Newness itself.  Reminding ourselves we can have whatever we want, be it an ‘A’ in a class, a finished book, a trip to a distant part on the globe, to run a marathon, ANYTHING.  You have to elect it.  ELECT IT.  It’s more than possible, and if for some reason you think it’s not, try anyway!  Tell yourself it is, ‘cause time doesn’t give a shit.  It will just keep moving, that’s what these pages are telling me.  I find the first day of the semester:  “DAY 1 – SYLLABUS, INTRO THOUGHTS, QUESTIONS”.  That’s all.  Wish I had days that easy now, but here I am, here we are.  Closing the story that’s the semester.  What are you going to do in these final weeks to surprise yourself, gift yourself, to taste some pose of Newness you never thought you would?

Have to be at work at 10, need to stop by bank, which means I only have ten or twelve minutes left here.  See?  Time is tireless.  Just a bastard.  So we need to be tireless, just as relentless with it as it is always with us!  And, AGAIN, I’m not trying to come off as some wise writer or teacher, I’m still learning.  So in many ways this is just a morning meditation/affirmation I wanted to share.  Mind the clock, but ignore it at the same time.  New chapter, new role, new YOU.  Still looking through the ‘Comp’, notes to myself, to do things.  Wound up not fulfilling whatever I promised I do, with most of the margin jots.  That stops today, with this sitting, in this crowded and SLOW Starbucks.  I put myself here with intention, direction, solvent.

And now, questions for YOU:  What are you doing right now?  IS it getting you closer to what you want?  What is one new thing you want to try today?  Write it down.  Write it all down.  Keep a record of your progress, and be better about following-through (unlike me, but I’m trying alongside you).  What are your goals, ones that you know will be challenging and that you somewhat are skeptical you can attain?  And, what is the story you want to write and live?

Running out of time in this place, at this larger table that is usually always taken, that I never get to work at.  But today I do.  Just heard some lady say, “It’s Friday the 13th, and you know what that means…” I was like, to myself, ‘No, what does that mean?’ To me, it’s the first of the month, a new beginning, a new first page.  It’s Christmas, it’s my birthday, it’s New Year’s Eve, it’s Mardi Gras…  I’m not paying attention to the calendar or the clock. It, time, is whatever I want it to be.  This is my meditative morning and day, and I see more.  The Onus is mine, all mine, and I’m expecting nothing.  I DEMAND everything.

(5/13/16)