14:09

Last meeting done, and the day becomes a soft sea.  Just for me.  Gratitude overtakes…. Dad messages me letting me know the kids are at the park and enjoying their day.

Nothing much to log or write about, just how relaxed I am… grateful, and FEARLESS.

……..

19:34

I think dinner just arrived.  Kids wanted Mexican, Lupe’s, one of their favorites.

Allergies bugging me… shit.  I hate them, and they always hit when I’m tired or just want to relax and enjoy something like tonight and “party night” as Jack puts it, with my babies.

Tired, not much energy to write and I hate it, so I’m fighting back by just writing whatever comes to mind… Jack and his pictures, ordered some for this house, my office…. Batting cages, my renewed passion for baseball.

Done with dinner.  Taco salad.  Still tired.  Not in any mood to write anything but messages to the Nurse.

She has me, and I have no fucking idea what to do.  Am I scared?  Freaked out?  No… just don’t know a thing about this feeling or this scene and stage.

What do we look for in relationships, especially at my age.  No idea.  Seriously, have no idea what I’m doing.  Just wanting to share love and kindness, and now meeting the Nurse… I’m a mess.

Trying to figure this out, and I get frustrated with myself having not yet, at fucking 44.

Getting dark, everyone meaning the kids in their usual stations.  Emmie in Dad’s old chair, Jack playing his game, Henry at the 228 bar watching some show where an adult narrates as he moves toys and has them interact.

It made sense for me to leave the wine world, Orin Swift and the downtown tasting room but I miss it.  What about it do I miss.. easy, the people.  The guests.  Two I could name I still keep in touch with, and they ask me what we’re pouring.  Haven’t answered in a while.  Almost afraid to tell them I left.  WHY?

Relationships like this, no definition or understanding, associated with work if you could call it that.