…I’ll have coffee for the students as I did in Spring 2014– my hands type faster now than I’ve ever seen, a fiery adjunct with a determination to end this semester as a bold and meteoric victor, soon to see the Road and soon lecturing around the country and writing on my travels, sipping my red from a high floor in Florida, and coming home to my children with stories. But I need to meet someone first I know. But how? How when I’m as busy as I am? I thought about calling her, or messaging her, but why, we don’t talk that often and she’s busy with her studies, and I’m a mess most of the time with my writings and projects and moods, and disgusting grading. I shove myself to a more Panglossian pose but it evaporates when I peer at the time in the upper corner, right, of this devilish laptop. My teaching blog for the students, ‘maddenedread’, I’m thinking of expanding, maybe… Making more into a brand and something the students follow rather than just a tired blog I instruct them to check out or follow– The ideas precipitate faster than I can type or scribble or in any way log them. Love this feeling. If any negativity’s intent on finding me it’ll have to skirmish through this elevated and hortatory wall first. And it won’t.
Another full-timer passes, says nothing, just walks to her office so assured she’ll have a job for life and what does our struggle matter? Well I’m turning all this. I’m going to make them all adjuncts, and with the brands and businesses I’m building I’ll be the full-timer, the comfortable one; the one not worrying ever and the one looking forward to work in ways they could envisage.
Have 40 more minutes to myself. To write.
Ideas continue their swoops, landing on my thought’s block.
And what do I do but write faster.
The department secretary, or administrator, or clerk, or whatever her title is this month just was in view, in mailroom. She saw me and said nothing and I laughed, maybe even loud enough for her to hear. Not sure.
But I’m building the brand of maddenedread, to read madly and crazily and formulate a more creative opinion on Literature than an academic one– oh, topic for an essay… Can’t wait till I’m on the Road and my reputation building and these full-timers will wish they were me. The dept. chair just passed through, lightly, barely with audible quality and height said, I think, “Hello, Michael..”. If he knew me, he’d know that I hate being called Michael. If Mom calls me so, or my sister, fine. But no one else. This is more evidence of the disconnect between this department and me–
He passes through again after using restroom and doesn’t even look at me. Good I don’t want to be distracted. None of them could relate to what I’m doing right now, what I’m building…