Brick Frame

7:54, already an email in from a client on a change to their account.  In a mood this morning but I’m ignoring it – Drink Coffee, Write Books, Be Happy.  The business plan.  Keep telling myself.

Have to send out zoom link for tonight’s first office hours of semester.  Who knows how many will show.  Just sent link, now I work on self, this mood, the story in general.  8am lands.  Finding happiness in the day, and stopping my complaining, the voice to self of grievance and citation, disquietude and agitation.  I’m over it.  Much of it, I’ll concede, extends from sales and how NOTHING is connecting.  Even with all the leads and conversations I have.  I honestly don’t get it, I’m more than just at a loss.

I’m taking the time for ME, now.  Even enjoying the news and hearing the same story and traffic report every 20 minuets or so.  It doesn’t bother me.

Posted writing from Steele & Hops, from yesterday, just before sitting for these words.  I remember what Ms. Lawson said, about the brain lying to you.  My thoughts are absolutely little fucking liars.  Today is going to be luminous, bombastic, a bridge to fruition of the plan ‘coffee, writing, happiness’.  Felt good to write that.  And isn’t that the point, to all this?  To feel good?  To enjoy your day?  To celebrate even the most minute of joys?

Call at 9:30, then one at 11.  Not that I’m not looking forward to either, I’m just indifferent.   Actually I don’t even know if that’s the right word, I’m just taking everything as it connects and intersects.  Not sure if that’s the right attitude or approach, but that’s me now, what I know.  Again asking self where the stress is coming from, sales of course and the utter absence thereof.  What can I do but what I can do.  Topic next….

Commercial getting my attention, printing on screen “love it or lose it”, and I start thinking about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Life, family, me, my health, this page, this morning… literally everything.  And nearly becoming emotional.  Oh my god what the fuck….  C’mon Mikey, get a grip.  Remember, coffee writing happiness.  That simple.  It IS, that simple.

8:18am, will be taking out the AE laptop in a bit.  And doing so with numbness.  And too with comedy.  Come on, I have to find this funny, right?  I’m stressing over meeting quota during a pandemic, still, and while the shift is occurring.  I have to find this funny, I have to.  That is the key, the medicine, the absolute solver of all this shit.

Earthquake in Haiti, ugh.  Makes me realize I shouldn’t be complaining.  About ANYTHING.  Today, a lesson.  This morning, the first page.  Making this morning different.  The day as well.  I remember something Bob Coleman, my favorite English Professor at SSU, said during one of the many times I visited his office.  “Definitional clarity”, know what the word and idea means, top to bottom.  My word, now, this morning, and going forward – HAPPINESS.  No compromise, no negotiation, no settling.  All or nothing.