Moving money toward condo and business. Setting strict budget for tomorrow’s wine mission which I plan to universally funnel and migrate narratively into Bottledaux.
At Windsor SBUX. Regular coffee, French Roast. Tired of lattes, and they’re just too goddamn expensive. This morning opened eyes when my goddamn alarm alarmed me upward and thought of the kids. I need to be more like them, more playful. I’ve written this in the past but now it’s with a tempo and tenor of “Why do I have to be such a goddamn adult all the time?” Seriously, WHY.
Thought about checking account since it’s pay day and that bizarrely big commission check landed, or should have. Again I haven’t checked. And I’m not going to. I’m going to play, get to know myself better this morning, this new Mike Madigan and his story, why he does what he does, knows who he does.
Last night up late and writing poetry, music… wanting to be on stage reading more soon… and I will. Aim today, or one of them, record a video… and an audio recording. Making SELF more of a brand… honing on the page, the ‘mike madigan blogger’ purpose. Too bright in here, thinking of leaving. Light behind me is not just disruptive but annoying. Ignoring it, trying.
9:11, not many people here. I’m barely here. Friend messages me saying she’s at the gym, at 5:40-something. I need to be in that habit and practice, and maintain it. How, how do I shift Mike Madigan to THAT– Merely by doing and not deliberating. Will work out tomorrow morning, at least 90 minutes. 30 min run then weights after. Promising self of course but will I do it is the question. I have to. Something needs to change, and NOW.
Ordered a burger and fries to the house last night from The Habit. Felt guilty afterward but it wasn’t anything crazy, just a burger avec cheese and fries. Had a little wine with it, and that was it. Of course felt guilty afterward so I promised self that I would log everything I chew and sip today, include water and plain coffee like this. HEALTH…. Getting older, and soon I’ll be like that group of older folks that were at the long rectangular table in front of me a bit ago. They’re gone now, but this one lady with fragile and brittle movement got to me. Wanted to help her move a chair back to where it was but didn’t want to be insulting, so I left her to her exertion.
Writing last night when I should have been sleeping, not sure why I couldn’t. Mom often tells me to stop writing, turn it off, detach and relax in quiet but it’s hard for me, the writing me, especially lately. Smirking at myself, knowing I’m excessively thinking and deconstructing the Now, ME, this new writing and observational consistency.
Should head to HQ, make a few calls, just be there in the office and pretend it’s Bottledaux’s… that my kids have little offices or areas to work and play. BE MORE LIKE THEM. Focus on Jackie’s questions and him sharing newly captured knowledge, Emmie and her smile and expressions of love and questions questions questions…. And little Henry, with his pointing and attempts to speak, crawling around and standing up he and I both knowing he’ll be walking soon.
Man walks out with a stroller, holding coffee in other hand. Couldn’t see baby, but know it’s younger than any of our three. They’re changing, I’m changing, this writing’s changing…. MY relationship with the page, the kids, other humans, new conversations, this me that’s single and not dating contrary to what others may conclude. No disrespect or shot at anyone in particular, as I’ve received words from several. I know what I am now, how I arrived here, and where I’m going. More openness, more exploration of business and me as a writer… me more into ME. Imagine that….
A few nights ago out with a friend far too late, and the one thing that pronounced the time together – again, NOT A DATE – was music. We talked about what we listen to, what we don’t. And me here in Windsor listening to Tycho which I always do but wanting something to the right, or left. One way I don’t know… more freedom in writing. REMINDS ME – email students new assignment and post to teaching blog. Later… no rush.
Drinking coffee slow. No rush for that either. Different tracks playing.. mood moving, calming. Leaving in a bit… Taking more time to self first. Another stroller, another baby, a mom and her morning. MY morning, this one, this Friday, then tomorrow morning when Chris and I leave for wine country north of our own. Will be here then gone. How time works, not caring how we’re touched or harmed. It just moved, it’s just an IT I tell myself, knowing that’s not true. IT’s dominant, in EVERYTHING. No matter how I try to redefine. Sip, pack, leave. Drive, music.