This week’s project: invalidation of any nay-saying, negative notes.
Last week’s project was not so defined, I realize. Week before was to build something, something embodying happiness. This week I don’t speak their language anymore. I don’t hear it, I don’t acknowledge it… even if it’s my own. And if you’ve read these entries or anything I’ve written, or know me, you know I can be in dark corners now and then. And, in all clear admission, I let it happen. I let my spirit sink. Why… doesn’t matter, I don’t speak their language any longer.
6:52, been up since 6:20-something. Home coffee already made, here with desk lamp on thinking about last night’s dinner with Mom and Dad. Thinking about a lot….. new stories about to write penned. And honestly, the storms that I know will land. Others have been through it, I tell myself. People I know. No matter… it’s the story, and I’m with new tongue, and vision… NEW MUSIC.
Last night talking with Mom and Dad, eating concurrently the filet mignon Mom so generously plated, and I started to chock a bit. When a stretch of fat just sits there on in your pipe. First time I’ve ever choked like that, and it terrified me. Though, educated me… life is so goddamn unpredictable, short, delicate and fragile, I don’t know. I need to move now. This week is the one that punctuates the new identity. Seriously the first thing I thought of waking, unable to swallow that goddamn piece of lard and meat.
I’m alive, now, here in this chair with the lamp illuminating my Now, educating me. I’m doing it… IT. The IT Sal and Dean cited. Sip coffee, kids still asleep but oh well, we’ll get to camp when we get there. Not letting self do a full hour on treadmill, only 45. Actually, 45 max.
First attempt at waking kids, neither budging. Will try again…. Only smiling, happiness in such a way that I re-teach self how to even be alive.
8:51 and back in chair. Treated self to latte, 4 shots. Fighting any nap temp. Then I rub right eye. Sip latte quicker. Check email, not much happening yet. Ease into day, I remind self. And not ease into, but get acquainted with. Remember the week’s aim and project…. Not allowing Monday to be Monday. New Music in the room now, new beat and verse syncopation and placement.
Message Sales Engineer, know he has other AE’s with which to work so I don’t expect that quick a reply. Still not 9, now the caffeine works, does its job and speaks to me, raises the writer’s flight. Running later, more than likely after 12. Go to office after getting day started. The aim today is conversations… as many as I can mold. Send reports first, don’t put off as you usually do.
My steps as a writer felt this morning, by the one typing these reactions and reflection. Why not, life is so brief that it’s cruelly curt as I’ve said in past entries and posts.
Reports sent. The caffeine has me gorrilla-like, pounding on these keys like as if a chest. And the ideas and possibilities and opportunities everywhere do same to brain. Notice this entry’s gone on a bit longer than I initially intended. Time to jump into AE sea… About EVERYTHING. Nothing discarded or undervalued or not-appreciated.