Everyone out of the house. Found clothes for day in the disastrous pile of mine in the closet. Now to coffee, thinking about the day. How to reach 200% next month. At 146 now I believe…. and how to migrate this to HERE. Writing and aim and way to measure what I do here with my pages versus what I do as someone selling something.
Jack asking me this morning, “Does everything have a bill?” I asked him to clarify and he meant just what I thought he did – is there a cost to everything. I tell him yes, and that’s just the way it is unfortunately. He questions become more elaborate and specific, more analytical, honed.
Then stuck. Like I said this is happening more and more as I get older… I try just writing whatever comes to head – wine, my sister making wine, the conversation I had last night with the girl at the wine startup, she living in Boston. Me then thinking of teaching essay writing and blogging, journaling, at Harvard. What my sister said, “If you second guess yourself you’re never going to make wine.” Am I second-guessing self right now? Maybe. Sure I am… What should I write, even acknowledging that I’m stuck or stalled, or even “blocked”. that’s contributes to that block. More than self-fulfilling… taking a pill you only complain about eventually. Write about being an AE…. The quota, my aim of being soon completely dependent upon my own leads, those I generate myself.
Coffee has a taste to it, that I can’t categorize or specify. Like a plastic or rubber. That Keurig IS quite old, I remember. Had it since the condo. Oh Jesus, I should probably get rid of it then right/. Get a new one? Love the espresso, just not always in the espresso echo. Sometimes I’m in the mood to just sip coffee, be on a slow drip if you would.
Just checked the word count for morning so far, and thought”Stop when you want…fuck word count.” How many times have I stress the feel and life of writing over counting words to students over years of instruction across several campuses? Ugh, I utter and express inwardly remembering all the time I’ve spent on however many campus grounds. Not a waste, it brought me here. Still… since ’06 playing the adjunct game. Now only one campus of course, SRJC, and I’m near deciding if that’s to die or not. Was supposed to have two sections this term if you remember. Happy I don’t, relieved actually. Just thinking… stop with that. Stop with wine too, possibly. Helping Chris and the other guy…. what if I put everything here. Why don’t I…
Sitting with left side of face in left palm. Am I bored? Already, with day? With something? How do I make today its opposite. Boredom, I mean…. Get brunch on the way back, at that Cotati café, scribble notes. Has to be more than just writing somewhere though… could writing be part of the block? Think it may be…. So then the solution being more living. LIVING.