Its buzzing pushes me to insanity’s zenith while I attempt to write. Here I am, with a long day ahead of me, trying to use what time I have here on the floor with that goddamn fly to my left, going nowhere behind those blinds. Had talk yesterday with co-worker and how she gets up most mornings before 5 to work out. And, she’s stopped with wine, beer, or anything. She’s lost over 10 pounds, she disclosed, changing her attitude and physicality, character, presence, everything. Our conversation could have been, still could be the push I need to do something similar. I always tell myself, scold self throughout the day, “If I would have got up at 4am, all the shit I could have gotten done…” But, no. Last night out with Alice for her birthday, so I had a little wine, but not that much, but just enough to make the 4am call impossible. 7:14 now and I have to hop in the shower to ready for the day— Just noticed myself spacing out, thinking about all I have to do when I just need to focus on this sitting, don’t have much time and need to make more than “the most” of it. Time, time…. Always time.
No backpack to work with me. All things different today. Just the Composition Book. Notes… real notes. Set to be at client’s tomorrow at 11am, Alice to her running group by, I think, 7:30, so 4am has to happen tomorrow. Yes, I’ve written that before and yes I say that this will be the time, ‘I swear I’m getting up early and running and…..’ Well, this time it absolutely will happen. So I can be absolved of my mundane placements— No sound from that fly. Think it met its end behind those shutters. Feel bad for the little bloke, but not that bad. More happy for this writer that now he doesn’t have to hear the goddamn thing.
Coffee… helping me wake, centralize and defend upon my Now. And distracted again, but cleaning this computer a bit. Putting self in more a position to sell writings, which really is my ultimate of ultimate and umbrella-ing, universal aims. The day becomes clearer, my Self as well. This morning and how quiet it is downstairs, wife asleep still, this moment to me, my somewhat sensible self.
Learning this morning that I’m a chef, cooking my menu— I have the ingredients I have, and that’s enough. I can’t just leave the kitchen and go to the store— the burners are on, pots out, knives and boards ready… time to make something amazing.
Should be in shower by now but I want just nine more minutes of brainstorming. Nearly met my goal yesterday of writing a note every hour. Didn’t in the 4 o’clock or 5 o’clock hours, but did all the others. Will review notes today.. where is my little set of pages? Think upstairs. I see the day, the day quite clearly.. may rain, I think I heard someone say but that has nothing to do with this Me, here on the floor of the home office, assured to wake at 4am the next day. Can you imagine how much I’d get done, if I did wake that early? How amazing a run would feel when it’s still hark outside, seeing the sun rise, the sky change into that blue shade my son loves, the one that tells him it’s “wake-up time”… thinking to myself, “Oh, I’m already going, I’m already awake, but thanks for letting me know.” Something to that effect. More than motivated, immensely inspired this morning. Hold to this roar, let nothing disrupt it.