Worked an event with Lancaster yesterday, first day doing such in over a year. Of course had wine and when home was tired. Had some wine and dinner, played with kids, no writing. Do I need to make a writing declaration too?
At Caddis today. Thinking I may stop that as well. Just thinking at this point. Had a dream last night or this morning that I was running, and a long distance. At one point into fog on a wharf or something the another down stairs of a building then through a lobby and into the street during evening. Was running with someone which I never do, male about my age maybe a little older. We didn’t talk much I don’t think, and oddly at one frame in the vision. I was holding my shirt and some earbuds with a longer than usual cord. No idea what the dream means – or maybe I do. What I was carrying being symbolic of clutter and excess, and the guy running was who I want to be as I age. Maybe?
Need to make time to run. If I don’t tonight then I need to every day this week. Times and distances not decided, yet. But I’m thinking 30 min on Monday and Wednesday then Tuesday and Thursday shoot for an hour-plus. Probably just jinxed myself. In fact I know I did, sure of it. Yes… so don’t talk about runs that’ll happen or I plan to do, only note what’s occurred. Didn’t I write that already? Somewhere. Either here or in the ’48 journal.
7:28, need coffee. Surprised I haven’t had any yet honestly. Still waking up, wiping water from eyes, sniffling a little from allergies which I think were my waker. Thinking more about yesterday. Not sure I’d do it again. Does that mean I’m done with LE? No, but may be with wine and its events and business…. Put all focus into Bx. What if I did that?
7:46, first cup made. Big kids awake but keeping themselves occupied, no interest in me. LOVELY. More writing and gather for me, this page and the associated keys. The Dad laptop, give to me last year for birthday. Or was it xmas? Xmas, definitely. Either way, Dad’s gift to me, later telling me he knows how important my witting is to me. All sentiments and memories and association such aside, time to work. This week, at least two contracts landing. Sending out one tomorrow, and may get another later in week. Already worrying about June. Don’t worry now, or ever. That won’t change or establish sales momentum. Focus on the quiet, the coffee, and yes smile at yesterday and working with my vino sisters and some people in the Foley portfolio whom I haven’t worked with since I left wine for internet and telecom. I’m not like the kids, who can just spend the morning playing, not worrying or planning, I need to be this always – working, writing, planning.
Met a guy yesterday who was a real estate agent but also was heavy into music on the side. We started talking about music and making beats, and I told him I’d been fiddling with Garage Band and used to do tracks with Reason software…. Could feel it forming, that temp to make music again and wanting to start buying up equipment again. NO, I told myself as they drove away. Stop letting that happen, the tempts. Well, technically I didn’t and won’t let anything happen. The keys and the journal are all I need, I remember thinking. And books, and music to listen. A writer doesn’t need much, really. I mean, if that’s truly your bullseye, why would you need any equipment? Okay, I can understand buying some recording equipment for readings you want to share, or reciting some of your own works… but drum machines, and midi equipment, software… no. That money would be better placed on a laptop (which I already have), or a website to raise knowledge of you writing (done and done).
Morning spent thinking about my life, and where I am what I’m doing. How did I get here, and what do I hear in this room. This keypad and its music…. Running. How do I do this? What am I doing next with running life/. The coming week. How about 4, 6, rest Wednesday, then 4 and 6 again? That’s 20 miles during the week, and could maybe do 8 and eventually 10 on Saturday, rest Sunday. I never think about wine like this anymore, ever. Even posting a picture on the vinovinevin blog annoys or self-discourages. Wine and I are at that place again, where I just don’t see it as I did – the intrigue isn’t there, the literature that I found when I started the first blog in ’09…. So now what.
Just run, and write about each time out with soles on street. On my last outing I remember thinking “write an essay while running, about running”. The only lines I can remember from that essay were “look down during the straightways” and “stop counting, stop looking at your fucking watch”. Not without value, those little fragments. Not building on them yet. May bring running stuff to Sonoma, run on my 30 min lunch break— No Mikey, stick to the M-Sa plan. And use that Wednesday as a true day of rest and collection.
RUNNING, now my wine in ’09. Running I stress over, lose sleep over and dream about. What wine was and never will be again. Good, I’m too old, and trying to stay young and healthy. Yes I’m at that age. No latte this morning, just straight coffee, and no breakfast. For lunch, fruit that I’ll pack. Different Mike Madigan for these upcoming weeks of running. 42 in 6 day. Only using legs for the horizon, not for stopping and turning to see older me’s.