Why do I always stress so much at the beginning of the day,

thinking about all I have going on?  Not very CEO of me… what would be CEO, to just say fuck it and dive in.  The mode and mood I’m getting self in.  Later in day tending to some new projects involving light web design and blogging.  After all the businesses I’m finding through research and the more I read about them….. well, not going to write promissory notes as I always do. Just going to move.

About to make self some coffee, then do budget, have it zero’d till a week from tomorrow, after I pay self.

Coffee made.  Only have one k-cup left after that.  Need to stock office.  Adding to list.  For today.  Everything measured… the calls, how many I do, where I go with my…. Had idea.  Written.  Prospecting in my old neighborhood… marketing firms, advertising and digital marketing, creatives, property managers….


MAF texts me some reassurance, encouragement.  Sip coffee.  Thinking of where I want to start.  Have to look at map.  But before that, time to self, to write… Using covid as a composer, a frame and new consciousness..  Essays on the pandemic…. While in sales, while at this table or not even table of a desk.  Been stationed here since March… holy fuck is that true?  Need to be more Irby, more Sedaris… more Irby than Sedaris I’m thinking.

Cleaning crew to be here at 9:45.  Have a call with a startup CEO/Entrepreneur at 9:30 with Ditter, my Engineer.  Was thinking this morning of what it’d be like to be a barista at Starbucks, on the morning crew.Getting there at like 3-something.  A former student of mine, and now somewhat friend, works at the store on Fulton and Guerneville.  She told me once she had to be there at 3:30 consistently. There is no option of hitting the snooze button, you have to be up.  You get to see the sun set up for its recurring show and communication.  With NaNoWriMo to start in three days, and me only writing a couple lines, I think of the character an adjunct instructor working a couple days at his friend’s coffee shop.  Having to be there super early to set up, on his day off.

I’m obsesses with waking early, but don’t put self in a position to do so.  And I repeat this.  Interesting.  Again instead of making promissory sculptures, I’m moving, sipping the coffee, pretending.  Have to be in friend’s shop tomorrow, at 3:30…. Or so in the story….

Call in 15 minutes with CEO.  Not sure he’s a fit for what I have to offer, but even still it’s a conversation and you don’t know where it could go.  Written in the #prospectesk project.  Cold outside, heater coming on this morning.  November’s always stood as my favorite month.  When younger I used to be al about summer, now I just love cold and drinking coffee inside writing while the heater hums.  Sign of an aging writing I guess.  

Quiet.  No sounds from Henry.  That little human, growing at a rate that I can’t understand nor do I try.  He tells me to just learn over and over, to play more, to smile at things that someone would see as meaningless or not even mildly entertaining.  Be more of a kid, I know, and if I’m a startup person reinventing himself as such, and focusing solely on tech and wanting to finally be done with the adjunct cell, then I need to be more like the kids.  ESPECIALLY HENRY, learning EVERYTHING all over again.