inward jot


So this motivation Monday…

I just can’t get warm.  But before I go any further with that, this morning I woke more than merely motivated.  I was nearly angry.  Not that I was mad at anyone or any one thing but I was just so intent and still am to make this day what I want it to that there is not another way I’ll have it.  Woke next to Jack on that pull-out bed and spent some time with him, got shaving done downstairs while he watched cartoons and slowly bit away at the waffles I toasted for him, while sipping my coffee and shaving.  Took shower after everyone left and headed to client’s tasting room in Healdsburg for some sales work.  And here I am on campus more than just “Motivation Monday” chirper.  This day has me feeling alive, like I’m ablaze, a ready blaze— blaze at-ready, and more than anticipating the next chapter, stage or moment.  “I don’t care!” I think to myself. “Send it right here!  My way!  Right here!” Only 45 minutes before I collect the final submissions for English 1A.  These semester’s over, I realize.  It’s actually over.  But I’m not stopping nor slowing as some of my “colleagues” are (most of whom I’ve maybe only shared a handful of words with).  I’m sprinting faster, faster… till my legs are weak and even when they are I’m going to keep with this dart of mine, this fierce and nearly-infuriated gallop.  Sip my mocha and think of what else I can cram into December 19th’s twenty-four hours.  Will have to think, but I have some ideas, more ideas, more and more ideas like students during the weeks before finals, thinking about what they want to do for a final paper, or project, or presentation.  But, like I suggested, there’s no finality here.  I’m just getting started.

What I’m learning from today: Start every day like today, even if you’re not in the mood.  “Not in the mood”?  Snap out of it!  Put yourself in a form and character to take over the world, make the world your own, which is what I’m trying to do with this 19th.  Well, have already done in many partitions.  Year almost over and I know I will have ended it on a chord so opus-like that I will ask myself, “Why didn’t I live the whole year that way, with that attitude?  Why didn’t I live all my years like that?” The caffeine’s really speaking to my Now, and me thought it, and it all about my nerves and thought-curves and these paginated blurbs.  And this is a Monday!  The day that so many humans deplore and dread as it approaches.  Can you imagine what I’m going to do with the week’s unread chapters?  Please…  “Motivated” doesn’t even slightly a surface scrape what I’m feeling presently, at the head of this conference table at SRJC, in Emeritus’ building.  Notice myself, finally, no longer cold.  The outside frigid atmospheric grip no longer bothers.  I’m warm.  And it’s my own inner motivation that accomplished such.

Now you try…