Need more. I could never go without coffee. Ever. Some people abstain for a week, or a couple weeks or month, for some stupid cleansing effort, then go right back to it. I’ve never understood that, ever. I mean, why. If you want to change, as I do with certain motions and scenes, wouldn’t, or shouldn’t, it be a complete and cemented lifestyle alteration? If you think coffee’s bad for you, why not altogether quit or have a lower daily consumption? Just a thought… thought broken and distracted by my daughter playing with the idea of standing above the book, making self-confident squeaks and grunts, looking over to me I make eye-contact for a moment then go back to writing. Why don’t I stop? I need to be a dad right now, not a fucking writer. I’ll never get this moment back, EVER. Of course we’ll interact and love and further know each other, but THIS moment is only this moment, in this moment, then it’s gone. So I’m ending the session. I woke at 4, I have three pages. I’m done. I have coffee, I’m awake, I need to be daddy right now. This is something that probably every writing parent deals with— not having enough time to write so they write whenever they can and if they do wake early like I did this morning, they enjoy the wild peace and the silence, the moment all to themselves, but one of the babies, or all, wake and your moment is cut. You write while the babies are up but you feel guilty. You should. Be with your children. I know when Emmie’s older, I’ll think about times like this when I wrote instead of just loved, been daddy. I know I’ll have those regrets. But I want to minimize them as much I can, if I can.
Em’s content now, playing with the cars and putting them in one of the plastic containers. Taking them out, putting them back in. All at 9 months.
Downstairs again by self after playing upstairs in her room for a bit. Started crying, wanted mama for feed. Now, again, it’s just me. 6:08, still dark. No light indication, yet. Still sipping. But I’ve slowed. BUT, 4AM lost this morning. I drove avec startling speed. New me. I am surprised, I’ll have you know. What else can I do with the day? Well… what do I want?