Tired and not 

in the mood to write.  Or do anything.  Not even— ugh, not a mood so much as it is exhaustion, with my habits and ways and what I want to change.  Have to edit everything I wrote yesterday at the dam, in my car…  sitting in the conference room with only my laptop, bag and papers in the adjunct cell.  Other adjunct said she needed some time to talk to a student, which I deduce infers privacy but if that’s the case then why the hell is the door open?

She tells me she’s done, so I come back to the cell and start typing, and even more confirmed that I’ll only do one class in Fall.  Hoping for a 1B, that’d be amazing.. be known as the writer of the department; the adjunct that only teaches ‘cause he wants to, not from having to or a need for the money.. he wants to.  He wants to empower students and share ideas and encourage students to make ideas their own.

Coffee, getting cold but I still sip.  Payday in 4 days.  Budgeting like mad, not getting that couple-days-a-week gig at the tasting room as I don’t want to (not sure I brought this up, so nevermind… just know it’s my decision, something was offered I’m merely not pursuing it).  My third job will be me, my writings and selling them the same way a painter does his work.  And all from necessity.  I’m not inventing anything, as the expression promises, but I’m certainly doing something, I’m moving, “hustling” as some LOVE to say repeatedly, repeating their own self-indulgence and putting it on an inexhaustible repeat.  Annoying.

She left, the other adjunct, leaving me, just me, me and this coffee and an upset stomach.  Is that from the coffee?  Hard to tell.  Still have to inventory writings— no, I’ll just start with today.  One thing I’ve seen about the winery’s management crew, they are poignant and precise with inventory tracking.  I the same need be.

About to check my checking acct, which I don’t want to do, but I keep thinking to myself.. self-awareness, self. aware!  And you can’t budget without being self-aware, and honest with finances.. so let’s see…..  Not bad.  Not where I want to be, but not bad.  Even have enough to pay myself… a little.  Need more income, and that will come from my printings.. or somewhere from my writing.  No more jobs, no more pouring, no more “hours”.  More pages!  More readings!  More ME!

Went over numbers.. think I’m in a positive place.  Thank the Craft.  Last week, financially, was the most stressful that I can remember.  Just have to learn from it, watch expenses, budget, BUDGET.  Even the $4 I have in wallet will be budgeted—

Had to go outside to listen to voicemail from Alice.  Lovely outside, and I’m reminded I will cancel my gym membership, FOREVER, and run around the Autumn Walk Studio.  May get in a nap, more than likely not, and not sure I even want one.. but for sure a run, shower, prep for 1A.. maybe print some ideas rather than just throw them to the blog.. what do I as a 1A student want from my professor tonight?