10:52PM. Mom and Dad’s house, Jackie asleep, me done from day, delayed and decayed, energy-wise, and I enjoy my cap, an AV Cab. But I look forward to sleep, deep rest to recollect– the day only annoyed me, all the questions and looks and remarks and overanalysis of wine. It’s only bloody wine, I wanted to yell at them, gawking at the vinaceous puddles, why do they do that, have they never had red wine before? What’s their deal I ask myself just watching them sip then looking back down at the menu, just dizzying in their spins and things, revamped in my core– poems now, like the three I wrote today on their dime– first sip of this AV Cab that Dad was sipping, me earlier enjoying the cuvée I made in ’12… Typical AV bordeaux; leather chocolate cigar box espresso, just what I need after a day like this. Was tipped $100 on a barrel tasting tour, which made me happy, that not happening often, if ever.
I’m reaching a point where I’m hesitant to tell people I write, which scares me, I never used to be like that– am I ashamed or afraid? Why is this age, 35, contaminating my cognition as it does? Kerouac didn’t let that roar so. So… What am I doing? Publish anything, and everything, as my character Glenn recommended, as he did with his drawings on napkins– you’ll read when the novel comes out.
I’m dreaming of my coffee in the morning, already, and when home my mom will watch the little Artist and I’ll shower and dress and then write for I hope about an hour, I hope.. with more coffee than I should probably have.. just keep writing till another book’s finished, and another and another.. and Self-publish everything. Had a conversation with someone recently about what publishers do to the writer’s work, and it’s devilish. Ball for one begun, and it’s all me, completely with this release sequentiality.
And then, I feel relaxed, just in the moment, a Zen, an Equalized ride piling in my personhood. Love, shores, views, celebratory scream in me.
I see me as a professor as leadership or I’m leading something and I don’t want to anymore. I want to be completely sovereign, Autonomous, I only want to lead mySelf, no one other, river in tow with my flame and I go. And the Cabernet’s gone, a fellno, and me alone, with thoughts and worries and what-I’m-gonna-do’s for Monday. I’ve seen nothing, I haven’t shaken faults, and not anything chopping..I need to be more Beat, BEATEN. I could go in tomorrow and quit, just leave, but I wouldn’t do that to Mary or Dwight– I can’t do that to characters I value– well I value them all, but there are few, FEW, I spare my fury.
Lunch today, Palooza, a beer and that chicken sandwich– and I had a whole half-day ahead. Why have I done this to me my character my story my waves and standing or sitting. They’re snakes, all of them!