Santa Rosa.  Luckily was ahead of schedule as the 8:30 visit was another AE’s.  Back and just now getting to my coffee made early, now cold and I don’t mind at all.

Snack Shack on Saturday:  Put on the friers.  At first I was like, “Fuck… really?” Almost immediately was behind and didn’t really know what I was doing.  I have fried ZERO foods in my life.  But, started getting into a groove and beat of my own, started to enjoy it.  Got ahead of the orders and was even excited when I’d see a 1 or 2 or whatever quantity by “Fries” on the laminated order form, marked with the appropriate erasable maker.  There was few minutes where we had a rush and I was a bit behind but eventually caught up.

Checked time, 1:17.  Less than an hour to go.  Sad I felt, seriously.  I was owning it, smoking it my own from the first feeling of overwhelm and frustration and regret that I agreed to spend my Saturday in a shack.  Did it for my kids, I kept telling myself in those beginning moments but eventually didn’t have to ‘cause it was mine.

Told this story to Mom and Dad later in the day and Dad said something like, “You should approach everything like that…”, or something.  I get his insistence, and agree.  But, with the AE story, there’s more going on.  Going to have to make a decision here before too long.  I don’t want to continue to slow down the team and have them carry me, and I don’t want to disappoint Mark.  Especially after the Maui trip where we had more personal interaction and now I don’t want to upset or disappoint a friend, more so than a direct-report.

The coffee cold, just what this writer needs.  Will have to head back to Santa Rosa soon, for meetings.  May grab lunch at my favorite Mexican place right before.  Actually that’s a fabulous idea.  No music in office, just quiet but I think that needs to change…. Emancipator.

How do I turn this around… the Ae story, sales and prospecting, everything.  Tomorrow, in Field all day.  Starting in Novato, then Petaluma, Rohnert Park, then Santa Rosa if I can squeeze it in.  Or maybe the’s too much.  I honestly don’t know what to do… changing topic before my mood and mental manuscript deteriorates any further.  I know I’ll get through this, but when.  My honest question.  The stress is permitted by me I know, but it’s hard to quell it or disregard the reality’s complexion.

Should have written last night, but watched the Warrior’s game instead… then a movie, messaged some friends… the utter opposite of what I intended.  Tonight I vow on everything I love and value and aspire I’m in this chair, in this office—  Oh wait, having dinner with Ms. Kerri and her girls and roommate.  Okay, then don’t stay long.  Get back here and work, organize, stay in office… project atop project.  WRITE… finish this goddamn book.  Get to that place, that vision of me here only writing… an AE for M-E.  Something clicks….  Coffee working, inciting me.

Trying to get to a certain place, form a certain mental shape but the arduous plight is such is wearing me down.  Trying to laugh at it, but can’t find it funny.  Not yet.  12:27… should get going, go have lunch.  Put AE laptop in bag and out the door.  Not before posting this…. Anymore, I’m writing more about me.. diving further into my character and trying to find out where this beaming curvature endless of happiness is.  It’s there, but buried under anxiety, preoccupation and self-doubt.  What Ms. Plath said was the great killer of creativity.  Shame on me…

Putting self in #professormikey vocal, toward myself.  Why are you seeing things this way… is there something you’re not doing?  The divorce shit… that’s only conceptual, and there is NO threat to me whatsoever from those people, nor to my time with the kids.  So, solved.  But this AE story….  Go to the meeting, try to walk away with something valuable.  Listen….  Observe.

If I were making my numbers now, I would not have anything like the stress I feel now.  Is it time for a change?  Am I not a sales guy, character-wise, anymore? Am I changing as a character?  What IS happening to Mike Madigan?

Was about to copy and past and post the above, but the snack shack symbol, showing me the next actions, how and where I turn.  What I say and write next.. what I do here in the office.  Keep the friers loaded, always be cooking something.  Keep moving… never be empty or still. Make it up as you go…