Back in the tasing room at Caddis today.  Valentines Day but that has never meant anything to me, ever.  Want to be behind the counter, in the world where it all happens.  I’ve been sheltering and avoiding and hiding long enough.  Aims for when there, writing of course, play more with these descriptions… see how crazy and silly and just far I can go with them.  “Newly-cut cantaloupe”, one for yesterday’s Chardonnay.  Forgot to put that on blog.  Oh well I think, then think more…. More freedom and urgency for… notice I’m only half-sitting in this chair, why.  What do I want to do, where do I want to go.

Henry on my lap.  Not happy I’m at desk.  He turns around and looks in arch back at me.. now able to reach for my face.  Tries to say something.

Alone at desk… what do I do.  Write wine, write something, write an essay, quit teaching at the JC and build as an AE for something more… something like my own castle, mammoth edifice.  Learn French finally, and be more fluent than someone lifelong on Île Saint-Louis, write it ALL….  I’m indecisive this morning, not knowing anything.  So, then, STOP.  Follow Emma’s voice upstairs.  Do something for her.  Like what.  Here I go, again….

It’s Valentine’s Day.  Should get myself something.  Like what.  I still flirt with the idea of photog, getting self a new camera.  True, I have two, but they’re more of everyday use.  When would I have time to use them though… good question.  So hold off.  Don’t want to spend anymore money on wine, that’s for sure.  So…. Invest in ideas.  Set the money aside and sequester it.  Don’t touch it.  Gift self a new business.  Or… put it aside for the startup ideas.  And, more and more I think it, something non-wine.  Giving life to ideas and not taking forever to do so.  Like writing, but….. multiple amplifications past and beyond.