Xmas eve eve. How did the year pass like this.

Not sure what I’m going to get done, or how many conversations I’m going to have.

Back from little walk, and now… what.  8:21.  Something about this latte is off.  What do I write, what do I write I keep asking myself which is funny to me especially with how much I urge students to NOT do precisely that.  Feel like I’m lessening as a writer, not having written really a thing over the weekend.  Now I’m writing, and maybe I needed a re-group as a character.  Maybe this is some otherworldly gift, or charm or something.  That’s how I’m seeing it.  Essentially decided to NOT run at lunch, nor eat, but write, somewhere here on site.  Either in the ZEN den, or….  Or maybe I do run, run for like 4 or so miles, then come back for more of this page collection.  Not sure what I’m aiming for this morning, with this sentence…. But I’m writing, thinking already about the next semester and how I should have it be paperless.  Completely submitted through email.  Never done that before, but I need the semester to be different.

Need my own office.  And soon.  When people around you talk as they do, not doing anything wrong but nonetheless talking, you’re pulled from your work.  Your story.  Your narration. You don’t want to listen but you do.  So what do you do but think of other pieces, other essays you want to write and promise yourself you will write.

Writing holiday cards for clients.  What do I say.  Don’t want to be too extensive, don’t want to be too brief.  I’m struggling this morning with my own struggle.  With my own day, my own motion and movement here in the office.  I should get OUT of the office.  Go walk around Petaluma, or San Rafael…  Hmmm… there’s an idea. 

Ditching the last sip of the latte.  Going to have REAL coffee in a second.  Want some gemutlich feel in this morning.  Shit, have to send reports in a minute.

Done.

Christmas cards…. Can’t remember the last time I hand-delivered xmas cards, to anyone much less co-workers.  Have a couple for my MDU friends in other building and one for someone, two people, here in this building with me.

Now cold again… goddamn it.  Why did I only wear this thin hooded sweatshirt then the thicker Sonic hoodie.  Definitely need that coffee, a drive, to Marin.

Might make myself a new business card.  The old ‘mikemcrEATe’ one I still have way too many of is, I don’t know, boring for me.  But that’s an expense.  So is the wine blog.  Everything costs I’m learning in business.  But that’s business.  Why do I keep saying busine—

Going to try these cards again…. Okay….  Happy Holidays from the Sonic Family to Yours!  Thank you for your business and…..

And what.

See?  I hate these fuckin things.  How about just Happy Holiday from our family to yours, kinda thing.  Oaky done.

Decided.

Delivered cards to office friends, shit I forgot to get coffee.  Needed now.  That latte, you know… I’m quitting Starbucks.  For real this time.  Don’t laugh, I really am.  Invest in some new coffee machine for home, not the Keurig.  And I hate how I can never remember how to spell it.  Need something fancy, like from Restoration Hardware, or Williams-Sonoma.

Cold outside.  Don’t want to go out again, but I will.  I should.  Novato.  Downtown.  Why am I overthinking this, or even thinking at all.  Too many voices around me and I need to get out of the office.  Take my backpack.  Work in field..

When there are distractions, voices or other, just keep typing.  Again next semester in thinking.. when are grades due for the last term?  Jan 3rd.  Plenty of time.  That’s what I always tell myself, then I do them at the last minute or turn them in late and have some twit in A&R give me shit.  Not this time, I’ll get them in ahead of any timeline.

Whenever students tell my they feel like this, as I do now, not knowing what to write or like there is nothing to write, write about, I tell to use the meta—where they are and what they’re doing.  And why am I not doing that, just that…. In the tech office with seemingly every person in here talking about something not work-associated, and who could blame them with xmas in just two days—actually, what are we doing here?  The laughs get louder, me only wanting to drink coffee and write, get some reading done… it’ll get more quiet later in day.  So anyway, the meta’s manuscript, or magic.  Right here, in the office…. The caffeine’s declination begins to squeeze me, massage my form and composition into a lazy lap and noose.  I resist as best I can, try to be “productive”, but somehow get subdued, arrested by a not even present inaction.

More ways to incorporate writing and who I am in the classroom into what I do here.  Was up this morning right around 4am, but let the sleep tempt push me back to the pillow.  Goddamnit  I now say to self needing a walk and that cup of coffee, the Sonic coffee.  Need to go for a drive, visit three clients one of which is in S. Petaluma.  Could hop over to Novato easily, walk around downtown….  Planning is the problem. I see that now.  And not just see it but intimately and IMMEDIATELY feel.

Have coffee.  Now…. 9:33.  Should go for a drive.  That’s absolutely what I need.  Just stop in and say Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays.  Just get out there. 

Hungry.  Only had that egg-white bite this morning, one of Emma’s and the rest of the one I gave to her that she didn’t finish.  Cards on desk, plenty of people to call.

Decided yesterday in the tasting room that I do want to follow-through with the wine shop aim.  Every day set an aim, something humble and realistically attainable.  Day 11 of Second Pass at Second Hundred… and I write the wine shop, or start writing it.  First, no physical address… all online, blog, ‘vinovinevin’.  This idea, another gift to myself.  Want the shop as well to stress temperament in wine enjoyment… so many say “Drink Responsibly.” Just to say they said it, like that box is checked and filled and done.  But is it?  Treat wine like ART, like a character, like life… which it is.  Day 11 of project, Day 1 of wine shop.  89 days to bring it to life… start writing.  3000 words a day.  Can I?  Not a matter of ‘can’.  Have to… 3000 words will bring anything to life.  ANYTHING.  The next question someone would ask and demand is “For how long?” My answer, till it happens.