At school and tired from dinner. Just a vegetarian burrito but still feel a bit of a food-tuned slowness coming over me. I ignore it. Chew gum I bought in cafeteria. Have books with me for night but not sure how long I want to stay, to be honest. Just talk to them, tonight. That’s all. Just talk to them about their Plath observations and thoughts on their essays. Not planning anything tonight. Nothing. Everything on sight, on spec, in the moment, bottomless from the bottom of my mind.
Couple minutes before 6:30. Long day, but not really. Woke just before 6 with Jack, started shaving and didn’t have to iron any clothes so I was ready rather readily and with speed that doesn’t show most weekday mornings.
Want tonight’s class to be exciting. Theatrical. I say that a lot, “theatrical”. How about animated, interesting or engaging. You know what I mean. You know what I want from tonight’s session. Yes…. Rubbing my eyes… UGH, I think, Why did I have that burrito? Focusing on moment. My stomach has 30 minutes to digest everything and lose this full feeling. Phone sounding, reps still in field, doing their thing, canvassing. Feel bad I’m not there with them but I have to fulfill this, this obligation, this last semester.
Feel me get into professor mode, what to say when at class’ front, facing all the registered characters for the class I’m meant to “teach”. Work… make it your own. Don’t look at it as a task, but what you’re made to do— NO. Who you ARE.
Have so much to grade and the stack keeps rising, heightening its attack and talk. Another swarm to land tonight. Life of a teacher, adjunct professor or instructor, whatever they want to call me today, this week. How is it that they decide? How is it that anyone or any institution or company can call me something, give a title or identity without me signing off? You might say, “You did when you took the job.” Okay. Though, I never agreed to a title that’s ever-changing, and I never agreed that anyone or any THING can decide when to change it.
Day catching me as it nods into night. Feeling a bit more awake. A bit. Part of me does want to get coffee, but that will harm sleep. And I’m going in circles in this quiet conference room and wasting me time to self, this time to build and collect and prep if I choose to. I don’t. I leave the day’s page blank and we as a class will fill it. Idea by idea. That will be our collective prompt.
Feeling like a professor now. One who will be teaching independently by semester’s close. Tell myself to stop thinking so excessively and I do. I stop and just write, not in the Plath book. Tell myself which quotes to offer but then retract as that’s a promise, a plan, a step back. I just walk into the class being me, lecturing on writing and reading my loved author, and how they see her. What’s their assessment of Ms. Plath and what she notes and narrates through her contemplative turbulence..