08:44. Here at winery, and in a bit of a mood. I turn to comedy, making fun of myself, and saying to self how trite it is that I’m living to the Gemini stereotype of duality. I snap myself out of it, embrace every fucking task I have for day— tour and tasting first thing, make cheese plates and pour wines, check on cave, make sure all is sightly, pretty or whatever. Part of me wishes I went back to sleep and then the other side— See? So fucking predictable.— is proud of itself, glad it woke early and just started writing, storming inside like outside with the rain pouring, performing its odd music.
Today I’m competitive. Vowing to do my job better than all around me perform theirs. So there you go. My aim for day: pretend the wine I’m selling represents copies of my books… going to put myself in the vision that selling the wine is selling me as a brand, MY personal brand. This is my winery and I’m going to approach it and see it and actuate all accordingly. Now my mood elevates.
Nearing 3,000 words for day. Okay… then what. Then what? Keep writing, of course. No vineyard walk today, but writing at lunch. May walk around crush pad for pictures…. “This is my winery… This is my winery…” Echo and echo and repeat and chant to self till I’m a different Mike. I’m teaching myself to make the moment more mine… more command, more owning the onus. Love this realization and when I see scenes this way. Nothing with muffle or muddle my mood, as it is now… photography from yesterday chirping and chanting in my head like Emma does when she first wakes…
Sounds from crush pad. No voices. Quiet of this cubicle room.. bland, putrid, but reminding me that the position I have here at Roth is beautiful… promising, will benefit my teaching and writing in ways I still have to see, fell.
Letter to self, and you, ever-encouraging reader— Breathe. And smile. And if confronted with any even hint of nay, turn to YAY. There is nothing that will happen today that you don’t allow. Everything needs YOUR permission. Your ‘OKAY’. The power and presence you have is enviable. So, don’t charge at your day, but measure… stroll confidently. Make all of it yours, your own, part of your story. You’re the author, don’t you see that? If you feel yourself tempted by some mood or nihilism, make a joke of it. Humor not only heals, it repairs, redirects, reassures. Take a breath, take a moment, take a string of moments till you see what you are and will always be and that’s your own… the author.
If anyone thinks they can control me or my mood, I have to laugh. How could you ever think you could control, or even manage another human being? I mean, I know there’s the work context, assigning duties and what be, but truly managing the person, their Personhood, their spirit, what makes them a person. How is that possible? Sitting here in front of office cubes, I realize wildly it’s not. So I start my day…. Close laptop, put in bag, grab coffee… To tasting room. To sell. Wine, my book, books, me. Au revoir!