Anything I write currently will be negative, as not much sleep from Emma’s little cold, so now I’m that dad who wakes and doesn’t want to go to work but has to.  Started sipping some coffee I just made here in home, wife told me to pack a lunch but nothing to pack, so I have to either get some lunch something at sbux or Dry Creek.  Either way, money I don’t want to spend.  As a parent, this is part of the game, I’m seeing.  I can’t just call in sick, and I don’t want to really.  Or at all.  Scheduled to walk a vineyard this morning, so that’s pictures and new characters and who knows whatever other thoughts spring through and all around me thinking while walking those rows.  It’s a vineyard off Canyon Road, up in the hills, and one I’ve known about for a while now—  rubbing my eyes.  Hate being this fucking tired.  Hate that it’s bringing me to negative steps.  So I stop it, stop myself, I don’t need to be negative.  Soon as I get home, readying for bed.  No wine, small dinner, and upstairs right when Alice goes.

Hear my neighbor start his truck.  Could be worse, could have to go where he is.  He’s a guard at San Quentin.  He doesn’t see vineyards everyday.  He doesn’t get to take a break from a cozy office that has a vineyard view to go out and walk in that vineyard, then get called into owner’s office and hear her tell a story, then write about it.  I have no grounds for any complaints or bitterness this morning.. whew…..  Needed this sitting.  Nearly just left after Cathy took the babies (Em staying at her house.. shit, have to call her daycare and notify).  So thankful I didn’t.  The Story wanted me here.  And I think, “Hats we parents have, so many.  And when you think one’s off it somehow finds its way back to your hear.”  But I’m here at my desk, writing myself through and out of this turbulent and virulent mood.  There… it’s gone.

Need to call SRJC this morning at some point, connect with the community education guy, see what I can cook with him.  Want to teach, that much I know, but not be led by nose from campus to campus.  Remember, no more Mendo, no more Solano.  If SSU called me, it’d have to be immediate, guaranteed and with the assurance that I’d have assignments in future semesters.  And if they called, that’s exactly what I’d say.  I’m not filling in just for a semester.  I know what they’d say…  “We can’t guarantee anything.”, or, “That’s not how it works.” Yeah?  Well, I guarantee you that I won’t be helping you out this semester, that’s just how I work.  Not negative!  Actually, this is an actualize positivity, in my confidence and in that I’ve learned how their game is played.  I’m done playing.  Anyone wanting to teach at the college level needs to think long and with cold labor if they want this in their life.  If you have your heart set on tenure, you may be setting it in a spot to get broken open, split.

7:44AM.  Leaving.  Treating Self to sbux, then up to Dry Creek.  More calm, now.  Composed, breathing, in my yay-say quake.

In office, after vineyard visit and tasting of grower’s homemade wine.  Well, yes, here I am at my desk.  A bit more awake, but the mood threatens.  Fuck that mood.  I’m positive.  I’m going to design a sample sight.  Put photog’.  Just to play with and show…  More media.  More vid and photog’… just play and have fun with it.  No I’m not an expert, I’m a writer and I’m not even an “expert” at that.  I just do it.

Thank god for this coffee, otherwise I’d really be in an energy hole.  Rut, muck, pit.  Just stuck.  This is not easy, functioning when this tired, I’ll concede.  But I’ll work my way through it.  At lunch, no eating but a walk in the vineyard.  Maybe this extremely exhausted state will benefit me somehow, provide a similarly altered perception that will be a boon and boost creativity somehow.  My mood falls further but I try and write through it.  Goddamn this exhaustion.  Yes, I need another vineyard walk, through our property here.  Somehow spin it uniquely, shoot a video and not narrate the same fucking thing I always do—  “Wow, the grapes look great…” or “Beautiful here in Dry Creek, today…”.  Ugh, annoys me just reading that.  Maybe I should go to a winery, do a tasting.  No, can’t do that ‘cause I’ve recently hit all the spots around us here.  At least I get this momentary quiet with no phones and people around me.  Not that I mind the people I work with, they’re lovely, all, I’m just in need of some words, some of my own syllabic pulses just for a minute to help me get through this tired.  Poor little Emma, hate when she’s sick.  And I feel frustrated with her when I know I shouldn’t be.  Part of being daddy, but I look down at her asleep on my should and my frustrations fly away like they weren’t supposed to be there.  And they weren’t.

The Story, continuing to pester and test me.  With a call from SSU this morning, offering a class that wasn’t at all aligned with the availability they demanded from me.  Then, they emailed me another offering, that was T/TH when I need M/W.  Not getting angry, irked, or even mildly bothered.  I’m laughing.  It’s funny at this point.  Helps keep me awake.  I win either way, as always.

No walk in vineyard.  Had to surrender to hunger and scurry to Dry Creek for one of those “Poor Boy” sandwiches, which is a ridiculous qualifier as they cost I think $7.  Co-worker said, “You need to be a rich boy to buy one.” True.  But not, as I’m no where near rich.  Not yet anyway.  2:10.  Have a feeling this is going to be the slowest 2 hours and 50 minutes of my life.  I do feel a bit more lively and engaged with day, but who knows that could be short-lived.  I’m keeping with my yay-saying jigs and smiles, attitude and everything.  Not thinking just doing.  Here at the desk I do what I can, creatively.  Hopefully Emmie will sleep tonight so I can wake early to do what I wanted THIS morning, which was work out and write.  Tomorrow, tomorrow I tell myself again looking at the clock and barely any sizable island of time has by me drifted.  Still bothered by Sonoma State transaction that started this morning but has lasted much of the day through emails and calls, and other shit.  Back into work, hope it helps.

2:48PM.  Like I said, slow.  Soooooo slooooow.  Significantly more tired.  Mood worsening with each type of these letters.  So much in head but not enough energy to think of it all.  One thought I hold to: stick with bottledaux.  This is the project that will get you lecturing and traveling, teaching out of state, country.

4:17—  had two sips of Syrah, now a bit more mobile and connected to my day.  Can’t believe I survived.  Only hope Ms. Austen sleeps tonight.  Goal, have beer by myself at Dry Creek after work.  Quiet, no writing, just meditation and that beer.  My table, my moment, MINE.