At SRJC, and a lovely full-timer just said hello to me and asked if I was going to the retreat this Friday, which I didn’t know about. And I know what they’ll say, there was an email. And if that’s their response then I’d cite that’s a prime justification in me caring less about the profession. Why not invite me personally, face-to-face while I’m here as when I’m here I’m always HERE, in this bloody conference room or that adjunct box they let me use. She was so sweet, Jackie, in her approach and regretted I couldn’t come. Just heard a new adjunct tell the FT’s in the mailroom that he commutes to Chabot, and SSU in addition to teaching here. He lives in San Rafael. He’s younger than me by a few years I think. Oh, and how I regret that I’m only seeing the flaws of this adjunct thing now, at 36. But I’m here in this realization and moving onto greater things. Talked to one of my other clients this morning and invoiced his company for a piece I wrote, the one on the grower. He mentioned other work ahead, possibly. I can only stay positive as a writer but pretend I have nothing and am starting at square one, moving and moving and staying motivated in wine’s world and story. Will revisit the Merlot this nuit, and open something else– OH, the Chard I bought yesterday from La Rochelle. Clean and visibly vocal fruit, convincing in its varietal stance and interpretation.
Have to start prepping for the 1PM section at 12, in 50 minutes.. have to order biz cards, but launch mmc site first.. much more positive day so far. Had the chance to go see J again at school since I forgot his blanket and mattress cover, and pullups, which was a wondrous mistake to make, quite beneficial as my mood was even more risen. Need more coffee of course and keep thinking about wine, its evolution and how it changes. May go out on another pick with Glenn this Friday.. not meeting with Ben, but am with Chelsea in A.M. Will visit a TR or two, get some bottles to study, focus varietals only.. SB & ME.
And on my path to being a winemaker and wine writer and blogger professionally I can understand my life and LIFE principally, elementally and intrinsically, better, more inclusively and expansively. Wine wants me to follow it, into new chapters and narratives and conversational momentums, dispelling all facets negative and anti-life.
More full-timers file into the mailroom and laugh loudly without worry, unconsciously bragging their security, their non-worry. And good for them, it’s not mine anymore, that attention, that need, and that resentment toward them.. true I convey the reality but only for the book and sharing my story and how I’m changing. More past pictures looked at and it’s obvious.. wine’s always there, and I demand it always be there. Oh my mood today– “This is what Life IS!” I in my core and being blare, and no cares, only care for the wine I’m now studying and the wine I’m to make and what I’m segueing toward as a character. Jack and my little girl will one day survey this chapter and know, climatically conceive and deeply hold that all this is for them and their mother.
(9/23/15)