8:27AM, 10/13, in my Mendo office, or the shared adjunct hole, and I can’t get the rubric sheet to print. Another tech scuffle.. the other computer wouldn’t work, either. Tired, mocha already wearing off and I’m making today a quick day, one entirely quick as I’m needing to get all the grading done, all of it, get completely up to speed. Tonight, a no wine night, I won’t be slowed, I’ll sip that decaf I bought and grade fiercely, at least 40 items. Yes, across the classes. The next big paper lands, or is handed in, on the 22nd. Stresses me to think of all the grading I have before me. Not next semester. Right now I’d be at home with the family, watching Jack run around with his cars and planes and trains and whatever else he finds. This morning, Alice said in a message, he woke sad, asking for me. This layers even more conviction that I’m doing the right thing in not teaching here next term.
Still feel yesterday’s 13.1. Upper legs, right knee, right foot, lower right of back. Need a break from it, definitely, running that is. This laptop, low in batter might, so I’ll be using the new Comp Book for entries today. No contributions to novel or magazine, just journaling. Maybe that’s what I need, frankly, just true freewriting…
12:08. And now, I don’t wait for students to not come to the office hour but rather take the time to further collect, and think of the design I want Life to take for me, and how I plan on writing it. This laptop’s going to die, with only 19% left in its Beats. Same plan I think for the 1A sections.. office hour and workshop whatever ideas they have on the next paper. Just made an add to the novel, now I return to the new Comp Book, to list my wants in this design I speak of– The campus here feels strange today, like there’s not too many here, like I don’t belong here, like I’m too removed, like it’s over. And it is. And Alice and I have talked about this, the centralization of my teaching. This is just too far. SSU though, if they ever contact me, could work, but only for one section I’m thinking, not two, no more of this 4 class blizzard while I’m still at that winery.
Think I’ll survive the day. Just had a couple of the items I packed for Self, snacks at Alice’s insistence. Could use more caffeine, though, and right before the 1A. Right now, I hear nothing, no students or teachers or janitors or anything, anyone. I don’t like this feeling, this desolation.. but it puts me beside and into Zen. Moments like this are where I can more understand Self, what I want and how I plan on playing the next day.
Not sure I’ll run tomorrow, maybe will start again on Thursday. Maybe. And if I want to take a week off, or just short of a week then I will. 13% left.. leaving for paper, the realest writing and means of discovering dimensions to Self that I know.. what real Lit is, the realest or scribbled practice.