I don’t know if I have writer’s block, or I just don’t know how to fucking write anymore or what they fuck it is, but I hate everything I’m writing.

Just posted a piece, or “article” I guess you could call it to Medium and I hate it.  Can barely look at it.  When I read over it, I didn’t like or dislike it. I just felt it was… eh.  I don’t know if I felt anything.  What would I tell a student in my 1A or other class?

Teaching myself to write all over again.  Feeling panicked, knowing I lost track of where I was in the 100-days project, the second pass.  Passing on it, entirely.  Focus on the writing, I tell myself and anyone reading.  Start over.  Write only essays, books, and a couple entries here and there.

Nearing the end of my day, which is technically at 4 but may leave at 4:30.  Have to pick up both Emma and Jack across town then head home.  Tired, and I know that’s part of it. Waking earlier than I have over the past two weeks with my leads group being on hiatus and kids being out of school, so no need to wake that early.  Today I did and I am absolutely feeling it right now.  That’s slid and dug itself into mood.  And I second-guess self.  So I embrace and reject it at the same time.  Have some new leads to scroll through, but maybe I can do that tomorrow.  No, I’ll do a little now…. But the writing. That’s what worries me.  Why am I struggling with it?  Why am I BLOCKED?  Don’t I make fun of students who claim WB?  Yes, but now I can’t.  Not anymore.

No TV tonight.  No netlix show bullshit.  Freewrite.  About anything.  The wine I pour, about this blockage I feel, about how I keep telling myself I’m going to learn French this year but haven’t even looked at one word.  Learning a language is WORK, and this is a blog about work, right?  So what’s the problem?  Paresseux….  I’ve been just that, Paresseux.  Which means LAZY.  I never want to be known, seen, spoken of as such.  So, I’m diving into a French vocabulary tub.  Can’t right now, as I’m at my main work way at Sonic, and need to go through these leads.  Wanted another contract today but I don’t think I’m getting one.  Fine, I will tomorrow.  Don’t have too much on calendar, so I’ll just devote the day to getting ink from somewhere.

And again I get that sense, of intensely disliking everything I’m writing.  What do I do….. I’ve always considered myself a writer before anything.  I’m really having this issue now… wow.  Wine… stick with wine.  Wine solves, and mends, but it also slows.  Well, when you sip it, yes.  What about just writing about it… owning my own shop, or winery, or both. A shop with my label on some shelf.  I can feel it now, this is certainly the exhaustion.  I’m not convinced this is writer’s block, maybe it’s something far worse. What if I can’t write… oh FUCK.  I should read that productivity essay or article or whatever again. 

No I shouldn’t.  Just leave it alone.  Start writing EOD report, comb through those leads, and leave.  Call the day.  Day, DONE.  No more laziness, no more questioning.  Write wine… write about wine, sipping it in some vineyard, or in your shop. Keep moving, be productive if only for the sake of so.  Same with writing… if you hate what you’re typing, all the more reason to keep on keys.  Don’t you tell students that?