1/30/19

Mike feels anxious and undone, untied, of unusual vibe at day’s beginning.  He arrives in office and gets coffee, sets lunch in fridge across the floor, dives headfirst into everything.  He turns his back to the anxiety, to what stresses him, quite simply.

Mike notices himself writing in several locations, different journals, post-it’s, other straying pieces of paper.  STOP! He tells himself, angrily and yes angrily, like a tyrannical manager or high school gym or math teacher.

He puts one of the journals back in his bag.  Thinks about a bite of the cereal he brought, getting more coffee.  He reasons spending nothing till he’s paid, on Friday.

Keeping self busy and ahead of schedule.  Moving.  Present.  More than aware, simply in some trite and too often marketed mode of “self-awareness”, but present and confirmed in your identity.

Going all in on Self, thought while walking to get coffee.  Not aiming to be any kind of keynote, but writer.  Essayist.  Standalone pieces of writing, ideas built and composed and put to page for generating more ideas and character growth in whomever reads.  Or, ideas for character growth and story accumulation.

Latest coffee has thoughts in rapid revolution and movement.  Promising nothing, questioning nothing.  Only motion, only growth.  Knowing Now more than any before period.  FREED, as stated in blog’s log line or introduction, title bar… whatever it’s called.

 

10:36.  A few moments to collect.  More than a few.  Time abides and indulges the writer, if the writer allows.  How to allow…. Acceptance, embrace of the Now.  Study your Now, be a scholar of the Now.  Seeing all surrounding and not so much assessing it, but rather adoring it, adorning yourself with all elements on either side.  Each sight is significant, all voices compound and collect to contribute to your composition.  To be a scholar of self and your Self in your Now isn’t to matriculate at an institution but to study your own movements and moods, and modes.  Write everything down.  Try everything.

Equation in all day.  How to solve, what to multiple, to what do I just a bit add, what to subtract.  Thinking such right now, at this desk.  And what for lunch.  Can’t do Texanita, again.  Shouldn’t go out, period.  I won’t.  I’ll eat at desk.  Get pasta from breakroom across floor, eat quick then clock out to write in one of those thinking pods.  Or not.  Not sure what to do.  On lunch now.  Just clocked out.  Why.  Don’t spend any money I tell myself.  Just ate pasta, but still hungry.  What to do, what to do… Why am I giving this the thought that I am?  Leadership, so many are into leadership… “LEADERSHIP”.  Leading Self, that’s what really holds, that’s what rewards and gets you closer to your There.  Leading Self out of this lunch stall, this ‘what do I do’ drain.

Thinking of driving to Starbucks.  Get out of office for a tick.  Get a latte.  But that would break the no-spend mandate for day.  Not if I use change… and there I go, again.

Went to sbux and bought a latte, with change.  Carried with me $6 in change but only used about $4-something, as I only asked for three shots, not the morning 4 recipe.  Training new-hire, later.

 

I’m turning around this day.  Well, I already have but doing it more now with this three-shot mocha–  mean latte.  In my vehicle, of my Self, teaching self from day and every conversation transpiring in the hours of the day.  Sleuthing more knowledge, more information and understanding of where I am and what I’m doing, the prose of the meta, the story of it, this IT.  At a desk, whereas just last July I was pouring wine at that winery.  Which had its gems, don’t misunderstand.  But, here I am.  I’m here.  More than present and “aware”.  Even more than in a umbrage of understanding.  I’m provoked and taught, enlivened by Now.

Not at all what I was this morning, not a single sliver of that uneasiness.  Writing down points to hit in tonight’s meeting, tonight’s session and ideas back and forth and deconstruction.  Not at all a foray, this form, me in this form, forming a new Now.

1:34, and I’m closer to training.  Interesting, training someone.  Feel like I’m training self.  To be a stronger speaker, teacher, person, father, worker, business owner, thinker, runner, one knowing their Now, one wanting to travel, be free, fully FREE.  The latte speaks to me like Hutcherson’s mallets, Coltrane’s sax, Miles…  Notes, everything, now 1:36.  I’m instantaneously and with no awareness seeing time as something else, each minute need be written.  Each minute a book, a bridge, a voice, student and teacher me more free.

 

Santa Rosa, CA.

Want the location to change.  Need to make it change.  Self-publish everything.  Spend no money.  Save.  Share all content. Charge nothing, nothing.  Kamikaze of composition.  The motion says enough, words nearly not necessary.

Want the location to soon read ‘Paris, France’, and ‘London, England’… ‘Madrid, Spain’.  Everywhere, Everywhere…

 

Mike takes a second to stand, stretch, look around the office.  He feels dominant, moved closer to his There, more apart and in control of his Now.  He snacks on some almonds, then one of some healthy bar he packed for himself a week ago but forgot was in drawer.  No more need for caffeine, the clock was enough.  Each minute and set of numbers that presented themselves to him, more than adequate, more than what he needed to move it all forward.  Everything.  He’d go wherever he wanted.  Where thoughts were, where they landed and flew from.

Papers everywhere, no cares.  Mike sees it all as opportunity, an opportunity he created and vows to each day approaching have replicated.  By his perspective and perception, Personhood and valuation of Now.

Sentence.  Ones to self.  Wrote more, another and another, till something was said to end day in some mythical sequence, scribble set.  Jots compile and Mike reads them but only for a micro-blink and eyelash movement.  There’s something else being said, right to side.

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mikemadigan

Writer/Blogger - bottledaux.com

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