At Sonic, thinking about the drive to SF. How I make it different. How do I do my job differently today, in some creative dash and direction, decision. Not sure what day it is, into my placement and life here, but I’m more than connected and convinced of everything I’m doing. Coffee from yesterday on desk, of course cold, from that I sip after the 1.5 or so cups I had in home. Feel the early wake. 4:50-something. Took screenshot of time but don’t want to waste time pulling from pocket, phone. No… stay in character, stay in composition stride. A little tired, just felt it for first time this morning. Have to call SRJC to see what classes are left for me. And if nothing, then that’s confirmation that I need be atomic, hydrogen bomb-like with my independent work. The blog, teaching, lecturing on journal art and practice, habit and maintenance, Plath and Kerouac, words and philosophy…. Putting self in the atomic act preemptively. Done.
Learn from everything, I remind myself of my own lectures and thoughts offered to classes over years. A tech company, teaching me how to be not just more a writer but more a teacher, more a journal keeper, more into my surroundings and me and where I am and what I’m doing. Not bringing laptop into field. Just paper, pen, in Hemingway trend. Find coffee spot, continue in jots. Agin feeling tired, in this break room with my cold coffee and people walking in and out starting their mornings not saying much looking at the fridges for something to eat and not being so easily appeased. She grabs something, not sure what. He still looks. I still write. 07:49. Will start for desk at 07:55, I guess. I’m indecisive, as I’m overthinking. I am. And that’s another thing I remark over and over, semester to semester— overthought is writer-death, as well as goal-death. So why do I do it.
Cold coffee, not antagonizing. At all. Stopping not to spill out and get some hotter than hot, utterly smoldering and hell-poetry cup for meeting with Tasha. Las night asking class, “What does the main character want? Why? What’s missing?” Only now, a bit more than 7 months till 40 do I see what I want. What was missing and that the wine industry could never provide. Here. At a tech office, working for an internet company, firm, group…. I’m learning. These seats more than me feed in my tireless knowledge need.