day page

09:09

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Freewriting.  Freely to be free, in writing and life, what I see and wha tI observe everywhere from the coffee shop, here, to the winery.  Today I’m not settling.  Not settling on anything, not any more.  I see what I’m doing and where I am and I don’t much like it, if you must know.  Not at all.  Not one bit… in fact, I’m in a position of resentment and pity for self, but then after seeing what I’m doing I’m strangely empowered.

I shouldn’t be in the tasting room.  Not anymore.  Not at my age.  Okay.. so what’s the remedy?  What’s the plan? Mom recommended serious strategy, lately.  And I start with this page.  This one page… and for all us, it is.  Even if you’re lucky enough to be where you want to be, and you roll around in nothing but tranquility, how did you get there?  Study, and share with others.  I’m not depressed, or sulking, or wrapped in self-pity and the woe-is-me tow, but there are adjustments to be made.  And soon.  That’s all I can say.  Learning from… I have to.  And, see the humor in it, in the wine industry and how so many promises are made and not much delivery materializes.  I learn.  I learn that I’ve let that happen.

Told my friend yesterday that I won’t be with the company much longer, and he said, not to be cruel or judgmental or one-upping, “You’ve been saying that for a while.” I agree.  But, today, I start acting.  We have to act, if we’re to actuate and delight and take flight in the life we want.  This morning me teaches, and I merely wanted to share, notice what I note and you’ll see something, I hope.  I’m in class, this morning, learning from the world around me and the morning itself.  My daily page, here, writing while people walk into the Starbucks here in Windsor and order what they do and go about their day.  I find what work does to us, both to our detriment and joy, immensely educational.  We allow that to happen, yes.  And, yes, you could respond with, “You have to work, Mikey, we all do.” True.  So true.  And that’s where the beatic facet sings to us.  But I’m wondering, why not just work for self but dictate the makeup and momentum of our working life. That’s freedom, like in this freewrite, what I sense and inhale sitting here in the corner typing feverishly as I am.

Just heard myself self-doubt.  No more.  Just try, just fly, just leap and see what lands in the proverbial plate life set. My Now, in a meditative modality that I can’t ignore.  I have to keep with this, follow where the thoughts take me.  Life is more than short, it’s as I say ‘cruelly curt’.  Life, Time, don’t care about my qualms, about what I have to repair.  These are notes to self, to your self and mine, I like what I’m doing in this sitting, this morning.  Not liking something in your story is not the problem.  The problem precipitates from inaction.  I’ve always known this but never appreciated it like this morning.