5 – After All That Grading I Just Want A Nap

img_9131No joke.  That was one of the more sizable stacks I can ever remember grading.  But now I have an hour to write as I rushed self to finish marking the papers in 60 minutes.  Counting this week and the two following, only six meetings left.  Yes, it’s that time in the semester where we all start counting, fullies and adjuncts alike.  Had an interesting conversation with a full-timer on the way back to Emeritus from the café where I treated self to coffee and blueberry (muffin), where he said in response to my question ‘What are my chances of getting something full-time here?’, “Slim.” Cold-faced but also caring.  This is a gentleman who’s been rather civil to me for a fullie.  We walked back here to Emeritus and he told me about casting a big net, applying to something like 30 colleges is what he did.  He lived in Chicago at the time and applied in Washington, I think Oregon, and obviously California.  Reminded me of the ‘perfect world’ conversation Dad and I had that one time, “Would you write or teach?” he asked.  Talking with this man cemented my conviction, that my days as an institutional instructor of English near their end.  Going to teach in other ways, ways which will entail less conventional assignments, and certainly less grading stacks.  Still can’t believe I got through that as effectually as I did.  Have to push myself harder as a writer— more discipline and less assigning homework that will only get in the way of writing.  I mean think about it, that stack took ONE HOUR of writing time away from this writer.  Never mind.. never mind.  Just move on, I know.  I want to travel and write about this world from positive ebbing and centralize and singularize further my narrative.

Coffee at left, barely touched.  Moving quick enough as it is, so why sip more.  Why not.  Still have to plan for first class, and 1A two hours later.  When will I have time to do that?  No time for anything today, I feel.  But I’m here writing, so I have time for that.  I need Newness, new experiences and observations, a walk around campus maybe.  Haven’t done that in a while.  Or, have I ever done that just to do that?

What are my chances at becoming a full-time writer and blogger?  Not at all slim, in my measure, or even loose estimation.  Taking notes for first class, and the coffee outruns.  Slowing my sips.  Want composure walking into class after not seeing them for a week, and some of them longer.  Now there’s no way I could nap, or even doze off.  The point to all this, or any of it— to understand where I am and what I’m doing, and if I want to do it anymore.  At my age, certain anchors need be cut, and I need to just sail with the tide given.  But, I decide creatively in these waters.  That stack was a joke, and so is the other.  How many of the students reflect on what I mark, the marks I make.  Does it, my evaluation, leave any kind of mark or minuscule impression in their thinking?  Have about 45 minutes, but tempted to just go over there now, to my room across campus…  Leaving this room to be in another, traveling already so why would I apply to distances?  Maybe I do need a couple minutes of lowered lids, just a couple, enough to collect or rest or just separate from all this decision talk.