2 – Day Before Thanksgiving, Campus Nearly Empty…  Why Am I Here?

Good question.  Told myself I wouldn’t buy lunch from the cafeteria, but I had to.  Think I burnt something like 1170 calories on this morning’s run.  Something like that.  So, of course, I’m starving like a cranky wolf who’s searched the Yukon high and low for deer or buffalo.  Can hear full-time instructors in the next office over, left, other side of wall, laugh like drunk hyenas.  They probably didn’t even meet with students today, ‘cause they don’t have to.  They’re full-time.  I bet they’re drunk, or at least buzzed.  What.. you’re telling me none of them have a bottle of something somewhere in some file cabinet or desk drawer?  You’re kidding yourself.  One of them has to.  I would.  But I’ll never be full-time, and that’s fine.

What am I doing here?  Meeting with students, doing my bloody job.  I met with three, last class, and I’m hoping some will show for my next section, 3-5PM.  Made today optional as I get it— many will be traveling, and, more than the travel issue, their heads aren’t here, or wouldn’t be here had I made today a mandatory meeting.  So, it’s optional, more eased for everyone.  No, instead of sipping on whatever the ‘fullies’ on the other side of this wall are, I have my grilled ham & cheese, side of regular fries, unsalted.  Trying to be a little health-honed, wherever I can.  Today was a running day, where I asked myself over the 10 miles and nearly 1200 calories a continent of questions, provided answers where I could but now can’t remember, so I start over.  “What am I doing here?” To teach, exchange ideas, be of help for students that want.  And yes, enjoy some quiet, some writing time, taking the institution’s money and using my paid time to finish thoughts, articles.  I should take my job more seriously, as an adjunct?  Oh… and my belting neighbors in this department, the fullies in the next quarters?  Are they serious?  Not sounding too intent, more buzzed, careless, too self-assured.

Finishing lunch, I have more questions for myself like, “What do I do after meeting with the 1A students?” If any of them show.  And, “Will I be able to run tomorrow?” And, “Will I have any time to write, tomorrow?” No longer famished, but I can’t supply any answers, so I just go on with the questions—  “Should I take myself out for a beer if none of the 1A-ers show?”…“Why didn’t you cancel classes today, have them meet you in this shared adjunct office, have them submit an opinion as to the fullies being buzzed or not?”…“Now that lunch is done, what do I do besides write?”…“Why am I still hungry?” Exhausting, these circles I’m putting myself in and just letting go ‘round ‘round, ‘round ‘round ‘round.  Feel like I’m the one who’s drunk.  This never would’ve transpired had I not come to campus.  Pleased that I did.  Asking myself, “Please, would you not take this all so seriously?” No answer.

(11/23/16)