to eat something. Haven’t had a bite all day, and my head’s getting a bit light. Writing collateral for winery, haven’t been for a walk yet. Have to be in early tomorrow for monthly meeting… And the writer has not much to write. Maybe I shouldn’t write today. Maybe I should say “Fuck my 3 pages”. OR, not. I need to keep writing, as I urge the students, put into practice what I everyday promote in the classroom. Low clouds burnt off, and I need a walk, for sure. See what’s happening on the crush pad, or just go for a walk and not talk (had that idea earlier).
Two co-workers left office, and I’m alone. In this inspiring quiet and the view of the vineyards. Just a slight still from the joys of collateral. Still drinking the coffee I bought earlier. Yes, straight coffee, need to break the mocha motif. Yesterday’s had my stomach quite irked, and, I wanted to do something different. Be out of character, break with dullness, only reach for Newness. That Newness, again, I talk about with the students. I will carry my Carpe journal with me when walking, but no talking. If I shoot a video, it will be more than short, and, I vow, no narration. No. Talking. If I enjoy quiet I need to hold to quiet with myself as well. Today’s been quite instructional in its drum rolls and other chord subtleties. Seeing more of myself and the near-future writing I’ll do on the road, what I’ll read and speak— The ideas I’m to share.
I don’t even want music right now. Just this quiet. Had the thought again while driving from babies’ school to property that if I change enough about myself there should be a reactive change in my cosmos. For example, if I gave up wine, and beer, for an indefinite time block, something beneficial would come from that. 1, better rest (not that I drink enough to disrupt my sleep but I know that if I for a stretch completely eradicated wine and beer from my hours, I would rest more wholly). 2, better concentration. And, 3, showing myself that I can do it, that I can test myself and ace the shit out of it. So I sip this coffee again, listen to the running/bubbling/gently gurgling water of the fish tank, and breathe. Moments like this have to be logged, and used fully.
Hunger again distracts me and tells me to go eat. But I’m not in the mood, not yet. I can’t let this time slighter away from me. What else can I test? Me waking up at 4AM tomorrow to write and work out. Not go for a run, just do pushups and planks and other exercises downstairs and write in between efforts. I don’t know, not settled on a plan and maybe that’s my part of my problem. The quiet again helps, looking at my vineyard frame, through those glass doors. I’ve worked in offices before but none even close to this kind of healing hold. Need a vineyard walk, though. And no talking. I may not even write while stepping, but just truly walk.