a writer:  post 018

Chardonnay…..

In glass, finally, and I’m having doubts about my 100/100 project.  I should be writing in it now, but I’m self-doubting, and I don’t like the confines, the numbers, even if self-imposed.. so I then think, no set projects, ever, just write— fine, that’s what I’ll do.  So this changes things a bit, well actually quite a bit, mammoth manipulation if you would right now.. but then I think I shouldn’t surrender but of course I should.. I hate plans and I hate anything too controlled.. I look for and type for total autonomy, if you don’t already know.. now I feel clinquant, glimmering and beaming in promise, and I think of scrapping the whole life/biz plan document on this laptop.  It’s just another document, another thing to maintain, another list to check and watch and check-off.

A writing life isn’t one that just unrolls or unravels for you.  You have to execute the expository, but the writing life I’m just now seeing only months before turning 30-fucking-7 that it’s under no command or expectation realistic to expose any hidden gems or truths, easy treasure maps.. I’m just thinking, remembering my life before marriage and babies.  Just thinking, that’s all.. thinking of how Mom and Dad raised us, with essentially zero flaws.  How.  How did they do that.  I’ve already flawed more times than I want to think about here..  Idea for New Yorker piece, on adjuncts, the professor life.. Should you or shouldn’t you.

The TV in the other room, Alice watching while nursing little Emma, life life life.. moving more than I want it to.  So I’ll capture it all, I think.. then another idea, for lectures, the semester coming up.. killing the biz plan.  Live and write in moment.  Tell my students to listen to your inner music, and write it down, even if you don’t like writing, just write it down— again distracted by the movie Alice watches, but the music in the scenes (a modern musical, I think, or something like that..) is motivating me to write more carelessly, to not care, and like HST I was pushed to this, by the system and all the jobs I’ve had, and being an adjunct (like at Solano this past term), just write and be a real writer— the unplanned, just singing, dancing, living, loving.  Writer bloom and blossom and embolden in such mentality; not care, at all, and why should you.  What does living carefully and safe do for you?  And, most punctuatedly, what does writing safe and so planned and measure do for you?  From now on, I’ll write what I want about the education system and wine industry, HOPING for consequences and fallout.  Let the criticisms come, I’ll dodge and confront, in my selective volition.

Checked my email, then went to social media.  I blame the Chardonnay.  So many self-forwarding wine “experts” taking ‘selfies’ with people.  And they want to be seen as authorities?  Some to seek when in need of wine “consultation”?  An idea I’ve never understood, ‘cause why would you need CONSULTATION on wine, a beverage, something so personal and just to enjoy with family and ones loved, something meant to be so easy and inviting, you need a consultant?  And how much of an expert can that consultant be if they’re taking more selfies than writing, demonstrating that prowess in writing, in pages.. truly educating the populace with their oenological sagacity?  Believe me, I’ll write more on this later.. oh the ideas keep in their precipitation.