Want to sit for a thousand words but I’m not holding myself to anything. I’m strangled by time and obligation, and tiring of the patternized words used. A new keyform for me hopefully. A slow surmise of sorts. Told my students that if they’re bored or still in their writing, or “blocked”, then they should do something crazy. But what can I do now here in this home office with my son upstairs asleep and me just here looking at The Bell Jar, and the papers I still have to grade. Next week, digits doubled for term, and soon I’m liberated on my front.
The members today, at their party, for the most part content and conversational. Me, in awe of the wines poured and the surroundings, another ride down the hill on the back of that tractor, or on the flatbed bed pulled by tractor.– I realized on the way down that tomorrow has to be the day, where I wake at 5AM, no matter how tempting it is to go back to that pillow, under that sheet.
Last night’s Cab me calls but I dispute its beckon. Thinking of myself as a winemaker looks interesting from the eyes out, from the vineyards in. Hard to punctuate what I feel and what to say, sing, but it’s on page. Maybe I’ll remember to explain and expand later. Or maybe I won’t. The house is quiet now and I feel I have to type in the same volume and octave as everything else so I don’t stir anything or anyone, little Jack. More I think about teaching, here in the home office and how the full-timers are so sure, some adjunct too, that they’re experts when it comes to form and stories, literature be it poetry or narratives or short stories but have never even self-published or blogged anything, infuriates me. But I return to my moment, this office, or room as soon as you step in the Autumn Walk hut.
What if I decide to teach nothing next term? I won’t do this, of course, as I’ll have two babies at that point, but it’s just something to think about. I can’t enact the craziness I encourage of my students, or at least in this vein. My mood sinks, as I realize I’m weighed down by my age and place in life, my maturity if you could call it that and how I am, just me, this Mike– goddamn it! I just want to write crazily and travel and not look back at anything or anyone, come back home to my babies and tell them everything I observed and lived, read it to them from the journals. I still can, right? Desultory directions only encourage the writer, and the characters around me yes drawing them and drawing from them, everything I can gather and when I think I’m stuck I’ll embrace and enact the crazy in Mike– Frankly, I’m just sitting here on this couch just as I did in the condo and wonder how I should write, how I should change and if change is the bloody solution. “Solution? Solution to what?” I don’t know really. Just helped Ms. Alice prepare a mechanized swing for Ms. Emma. And now the whole wholeness and immediacy of another baby in this house constricts me, yes pleasurably but does constrict. Alice went upstairs and I back to this couch to finish my thoughts but I lost them. They perfectly strayed.
Why am I forcing myself to write on this couch, my scribbler sarcophagus; innate and inane and immobile. And as a writer, I have to ask: “WHERE is my writer story set for, and WHEN?” And I’m not just addressing or entertaining time with ‘when’, I’m talking about character development and me in my zen factored with Personhood and so many other existential variables. I love the meal of journey, thinking of it.. just imagining the here-to-there-ism of it all. And writing along the way, everything, from the fold-down trays on the planes to the clouds you see below the wings, those passing mountains that you swear you’re the first one to optically ingest, to the wine they have onboard– atrocious, yes, but you sip anyway, you don’t care, this is an adventure and you’ve never done it before so you throw yourself in, quick and lovingly; the angel’s spin to a musical nondigital bliss– I’m curious what I’m capable of, terms of testing my written and studious, vocational, efficacy. Tonight I watched a show with Alice but as soon as it ended I noticed myself relaxing with her and not doing much of anything but idling, immobility– that won’t complete a MS, and Ms. Emma nears in her landing. So I rose from the couch to Alice’s irritation and made for the study. Where I began this entry, reading a new book, and now I sip the rest of last night’s Hawley, and forget about all chains, readers who might intersect with these lines and think “wow he writes only about wine, how boring,” or, “What is the point to this?” I don’t mind, and I don’t mind them, pay them even a small cup of mind, not even one of the tasting room’s regulated 1 oz pours. Life is mine and it’s finally talking directly to me with rich stage-worthy dialogue; monologues and soliloquies and sharply stark sentences propelled into the audience’s space, leaving more space for growth and written diarist escape.
I formulated something by happenstance, or maybe not happenstance but by inadvertent intent, meaning I intended it but didn’t know I did; some subtexted dance of the Unconscious– Rescinding certain thoughts, and just going for characters, this new one, not so new, and her name not important in this type but I know her, readers will want to know her, and she will know herself better after I write her.
Only a little wine left. I study my character, the wine’s more so. It’s more interesting than me. I’m writer to it, revolving now around it, that little purple Cab puddle in the coffee cup (was too lazy to reach up and get a wine glass)– It doesn’t care about me, it’s the celebrity. I’m paparazzi.