Not in the mood to work on apps today. Today’s supposed to be a ‘day off’. And do I want to teach at Marin? At this point, I’ll take a FT post anywhere. But I don’t know if that’s the right attitude to have either. I’m unusually inventory-oriented this morning, considering everything I want in my life, and what I want taken out. Do I want to apply for several colleges, or the ones I really want? Rather than Marin, I’d much prefer Solano, as I’ve taught there and enjoy the student culture and faculty. But it wouldn’t hurt to be an adjunct at Marin, or be on their roster, right?
I just want forever away from clocks, orders, order, the policies always convenient to Them… I want my Life. And I want it completely Literary.
Was just repeating to myself, “I know where I’m going, I know where I’m going.. this isn’t forever…” And I’ll keep chanting this till I’m there.
Beautiful outside, from what I can see. Think I’ll work up at Mom and Dad’s, since they’re in Oregon. I’ll let that view from the dining room push me. I know what Dad and Mom are doing, precisely now: reading the paper, enjoying their coffee in our warm Circle 10 base, looking every couple seconds or so out at the snow, completely eased. And good for them, they deserve it. They’ve worked hard all their lives. And Dad, refusing to do anything other than fly, when many odds were against him set.. that too I’m repeating to Self. He never settled, and neither will I.
Bills paid. Or most of them. Want to transfer some money into the Schwab1 acct. I’ll get that square checked later, when looking out at the hills behind their home. Just have to bring a coffee…
Oh, and return to my french studies..
8:46PM. All Marin material submitted. For both adjunct and FT. Have some time before the next deadline, Solano (25th). Will try to finish everything Wednesday. No plans after class, and it’ll remain that way. I will also make it a point to write from some spot on fourth, as I did the other day from Cellars.
Tired from the day. My story takes a significant shift with Wednesday; everything from the Solano app to my book.. this semester’s novel. Hungry, and would love a glass of anything red. But I’m distanced from vino, tonight. And tomorrow’s eve, as well. Thinking of how Nadav spoke of my passion last night, still turning between my thoughts, overwhelming much of my visions at the moment. That’s the only place I should be, the classRoom– but I’m not going down that path with this session, please note. I’m thinking of Plath, what I’ll offer on ‘Bell Jar’ next class.. what else can I do? Get into the heads of the characters.. how they’re feeling, reacting to each other…
First thing she saw, a little rhythm of drops, leaping cautiously from the sill’s top to a small ledge. She thought about calling in sick. She never did. Today, they wouldn’t see her. No. She needed a day. A whole day. What would her excuse be? “You know what,” she thought, “to hell with them.. I’ll just say I can’t make it in. They can’t ask me questions. And if they do, oh well.” She wanted them to get mad, be short-staffed, be pained. They deserved it. Especially him, with his muddy mind, constant passes.
The phone rang, rang. Rang… “Dickerson’s Grocery, this is Matt, can I help you?”
“Matt, it’s C——, I’m not going to make it in today.”
A silence, broken by whatever papers he was shuffling, juggling. “Okay. And why.”
She couldn’t believe he actually said that. A response from the hog.. what would she say? “I’m sick.”
“You sure you can’t make it in?”
“I’m sure. I’m sick.”
“I really need you here. We’re gonna be short today, and there’s an event up-valley…”
“Sorry,” she said, loving it. All.
He cut short the call, hanging up.
She hopped back under her puffed sheet wave. No guilt. A victory.